10/20/2017 – Crazy Train

TRUMP: Uggghhh.

PENCE: Something bothering you sir? 

TRUMP: Other than the very concept of you, yes. Still can’t believe I’m catching heat from Representative Wilson.  Put General Kelley up there. Talked about losing his soldier kid. Can totally relate. Once Donald Junior didn’t tweet me back for 15 minutes. Turns out he was using the bathroom. Nervous parent!

PENCE: Yes, sir. I’m certain the experiences line up exactly. 

TRUMP: Don’t even know what this Rep Wilson looks like. 

PENCE: Well, I can just turn on the TV sir, ah. There she is. 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: She’s…

PENCE: Black sir. Yes. 

TRUMP: Ugh. Listen to you. As if I care about there. Everyone’s black compared to you and that solar panel skin. Not shocked by that. 

PENCE: Well then what is it sir? 

TRUMP: She’s a cowboy. 

PENCE: Not exactly sir. 

TRUMP: I thought I had Texas in the bag. 

PENCE: She’s actually from Florida sir. She just likes wearing those cowboy hats. 

TRUMP: Uggghhh. Listen to you. Burying the lede. Why didn’t you tell me that? All makes sense now? 

PENCE: What makes sense, sir? Because just looking around here, I can’t believe any of this makes any-

TRUMP: She’s from Florida. Craziest state ever. Filled with the Seal Team Six of lunatics and nut jobs. Like if Guy Fieri was a king and Florida was his domain. 

PENCE: Understood sir. 

TRUMP: Like if a genie gave Steve-O three wishes and all three of his wishes were to mess up Florida. 

PENCE: I…get the analogy sir. 

TRUMP: It’s like Catelyn Jenner had a magic wand and-

PENCE: SO Mr. President, shall I get the PR department? I’m sure we can use the military experience to leverage credibility for General Kelley in his support of your-

TRUMP: Boom. Done. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Trump response. Amazing. 

PENCE: What…did you do? Actually let me rephrase. What did you tweet? 

TRUMP: Tweeted tweet. It says Representative Wilson is from Florida. We know that means. Wears cowboy hats, not in Texas. Crazy Train!

PENCE: I…can’t believe it. All the responses agree with you. Even the Antifa folks here. 

TRUMP: Power of crazy Florida. Greater than Power of crazy Antifa. No competition! Florida. Worships a giant talking mouse. Biological abomination!

PENCE: Apparently I can’t disagree. 

TRUMP: Then again Antifa worships Hillary and Bernie, so Florida may have to up its crazy game. 

PENCE: Sir, Ozzie Osbourne just replied to your tweet something about a lawsuit for quoting Crazy Train. 

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You. See if he’s touring in Florida. Can use insanity plea. Sharon! 

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10/18/2017 – Nostromodamus

PENCE: Ok sir, up next is the mother of a Marine who was killed in Afghanistan. It was a sniper that got him. Unfortunately the Marine received a head shot. 

TRUMP: Tremendous. Trump soothing nerves. Showing compassion. Trump heart, best heart, believe me. 

PENCE: …wish it would stop.

TRUMP: Stop what? 

PENCE: The, um, deaths of the Marines sir. 

TRUMP: Marines. So brave. Signed a contract. Contract with death. Could happen. Hazards of the job. I’ll let the mother know that. 

PENCE: Mr. President, that approach…didn’t exactly work so well last time. 

TRUMP: Totally worked. Told the mom that he knew what he signed up for. Was saying he knew the hazards but did it anyway. Brave in the face of obvious danger. Marines! So brave. 

PENCE: Yes. Well. That makes sense but…maybe for this call you could use a little more…tact? 

TRUMP: Have tact. Trump. So much tact. Trump tactiest president ever. Believe me. 

PENCE: Ok, she’s on the phone, sir. Now remember. Tact. 

TRUMP: You. Marine mom. How are you doing? Ok enough about you. Want to tell you about your son. Took one to the ol’ noggin. Brains. Blown out. Not Trump brains so no big loss. Trump brains best brains. So good. Believe me.

PENCE:

TRUMP: She’s crying. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Probably so grateful to be talking to me. Overcome with emotion. Can understand. Talking to the president. Not just any president, but Trump president. Trump president best president, believe me. 

PENCE:

TRUMP: Good. Stopped crying. Your boy. Marine what’s his name. Doesn’t matter. Listen. Sure, you think you’re missing him now, but he knew what he was doing. Knew he could have died at any second. Then he did. Predicted the future. Like Nostromodamus. Should have used that superpower in Vegas. Could have made so much money. But instead he’s dead. Such a waste. Money left on the table!

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Crying again. Makes sense. Most people cry when they hear my voice. So overcome just hearing me. Voice of Trump. So magical. Vocal Merlin! 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Ok. Gotta go. You. Sad. Boy is dead. But you’ll get over it. Hey, he’s not worrying about getting shot anymore, so why should you? Feel better. Hanging up on you. More important things to do now. 

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: OH MY GOD. 

TRUMP: Knew you were going to say that. Trump. Total Nostromodamus. Predicting the future!

PENCE: It’s Nostradamus, and are you insane?!? 

TRUMP: Two things. One. Pretty sure you’re wrong about Nostromodamus. And B, we’ve worked together for, what, 3 weeks now? You know I’m clearly insane. Insane for being Trump. Being president, sure, but more about being Trump. Trump insanity, best insanity believe me. 

PENCE: I predict I’m going to have a stroke. 

TRUMP: You don’t need to be Nostromodamus to see that. You. So pale. Like you saw a ghost who saw you and ran away because he thought he was seeing a ghost. Melanin-free horror!

10/13/2017 – Virgin Islands

TRUMP: Met the President of the Virgin Islands.

PENCE: Yes sir.

DeVOS: Mr. President, I-

TRUMP: Awful guy. Couldn’t stand him. So egotistical. Just the worst. Thinks he knows everything. Totally wrong!

PENCE: Of course.

DeVOS: Sir, you do realize-

TRUMP: Realize I’m dealing with a dimwit who can’t handle his own country. This president. Worst ever. Need to fire!

PENCE: Couldn’t agree more, sir.

DeVOS: Michael, you do realize that President Trump is also technically president of the Virgin Islands.

PENCE: Completely.

TRUMP: You. Pence, right? Get my tweet phone. Need to let America know how clueless the Virgin Islands president is. Worst president ever.

PENCE: Right away sir.

DeVOS: Mr. President, I have to-

PENCE: One more word and I let the CIA know about your Thursday night blood sacrifices.

DeVOS:

PENCE: And the afterparty.

DeVOS: FINE. But the coven will one day have your soul. I swear it.

PENCE: Have you forgotten where I work? My soul is gone already.

TRUMP: New tweet: Virgin Islands President. Total failure. Worst President ever. People should impeach immediately. Out of office!

PENCE: Great tweet sir.

DeVOS: On second thought, keep that soul. It would probably just poison the coven.

TRUMP: Need to meet next with the President of American Samoa. Probably an idiot. Have to expect the worst. Guaranteed just an awful President. The worst, believe me.

PENCE: I can guarantee it sir.

10/11/2017 – Berkeley

PENCE: You wanted to see me sir? 

TRUMP: Not at all. You. Repulsive to look at. Like a bizarro world black hole. Just sucking in all light until you become completely white. Then add your horrible face and robotic posture. Just the worst. Not like Trump. Trump looks best looks believe me. So good. Just the best. Beauteous visage! 

PENCE: I’ll rephrase. You wished to speak to me sir? 

TRUMP: And here you are. All Trump wishes come true. Like a genie lamp that’s a billionaire. Wishes already answered!

PENCE: *Sigh* WHAT…can I do for you sir? 

TRUMP: Need you to do something for me. 

PENCE: Of course, Mr. President! How can-

TRUMP: Houston. Swamped. Florida. Terrible property damage. Puerto Rico looks like a war zone. But it’s Puerto Rico so can’t tell difference. California. Literally on fire everywhere. Korea. May start world war at any minute. Mexico. Still Mexico. Need you to do something for me. 

PENCE: I’m happy to be of service, Mr. Pre-

TRUMP: Want you to deliver a speech at UC Berkeley. Riots start. You show how offended you are. Tweet old picture. Victory!

PENCE:

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE:

TRUMP: 

PENCE: Um, sir, I think that might not be the best strategy or use of my time for a couple of reasons. 

TRUMP: You? Use? Come on. 

PENCE: Just humor me for a second here. 

TRUMP: Seeing as you’re kind of a big joke, go ahead. 

PENCE: *Sigh* Ok. Well, first of all, you already asked me to do something similar when I attended the Colts-Niners game last Sunday, and that turned into an epic disaster. 

TRUMP: One that led to the NFL owners and the commissioner demanding the players stand. Ugly success!

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Go ahead, make a joke about me being an ugly success. 

PENCE: Darn it. 

TRUMP: Boom. What was the other reason?

PENCE: Well, Milo Yiannopoulos already tried that with a bunch of conservative speakers and it was a dismal failure. 

 TRUMP: Milo? What’s that, some sort of Muppet? 

PENCE: No, no. He’s sort of a…conservative provocateur who has some intelligent points and is very persuasive and well researched but all he really cares about is his own publicity and oh no Dear Lord.

TRUMP: Milo. Love the guy already. So good. Sounds like a mirror image of me. Just the best. Going places!

PENCE: He’s a gay Greek Jew from England. 

TRUMP: Milo. Horrible person. Just the worst. Couldn’t be more different from me if he tried. Going nowhere!

PENCE: He thinks you’re the best and calls you “Daddy.”

TRUMP: Milo. Great person. So smart. Just the best. 

PENCE: So…you’re ok with a homosexual Jewish foreigner calling you Daddy? 

TRUMP: Have you met my kids? Probably an upgrade. All comers!

PENCE: Good point. 

TRUMP: Not you. So happy we’re not related. Separate gene pools!

10/6/2017 – Soon

PENCE: Sir, you’ve been making some cryptic statements lately.

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: It means things that are obscure and slightly menacing. 

TRUMP: Already knew that. Like Obamacare. Makes no sense and could kill you. Dangerously craptic!

PENCE: Cryptic. 

TRUMP: Look Thesaurus Rex, stop worrying about my superior application of vocabulary and just get to the point. 

PENCE: Well, you’ve been making some cryp-I mean-vague statements about our opponents that have people worried. 

TRUMP: You. Examples. Go. 

PENCE: For example, during last Thursday’s dinner with senior military officials and their spouses, the subject of North Korea came up and you said that this is “the calm before the storm” and the room went quiet. 

TRUMP: Two things. One. Don’t be that guy who does the air quotes. Looks like a cry for help from tiny hand rabbits. And B, of course the room goes quiet when I talk. Trump talks, people listen. Everyone else is ears, and Trump is all mouth. Trump. Biggest mouth in the room. Can’t be denied!

PENCE: So…what did you mean by the calm before the storm then? 

TRUMP: You’ll see. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Cryptic. 

PENCE: Yes! Stop it!

TRUMP: Can’t. Trump dramatic tension best dramatic tension. Hitchcockian! 

PENCE: Speaking of Psycho-

TRUMP: Careful, future ambassador to Siberia-

PENCE: Not you! I…meant President Hassan Rouhani from Iran. 

TRUMP: Decent save. Judges score it an 8.7.

PENCE: Well Iran actually is another one! You said the Iran deal is bad, you plan to decertify it, and other things are coming. What other things?

TRUMP: Things. 

PENCE: What kind of things? 

TRUMP: Other things. 

PENCE: *sigh*…Sir, while I acknowledge your right to withhold key content, it’s usually in the best interest of your administration to maintain some level of clarity in your communications. Especially when you are discussing foreign policy with-

TRUMP: You. Didn’t hear a word you said. Was too busy tweeting. 

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Oh no. What did you-Oh, hi Sarah.

SANDERS: Mr. President, the media is going wild over this new tweet you sent. As your acting press secretary, could you please elaborate? 

TRUMP: Already forgot what I tweeted. Probably something amazing. Trump tweets best tweets. Just the best. So good, believe me. 

SANDERS: You tweeted “Russia. Soon.”

PENCE: Oh Dear Lord.

SANDERS: Aaaand according to the Joint Chiefs we are now at Defcon 2. 

TRUMP: Uggghhh. You tell those joint chiefs I don’t care where pot is legalized, time to leave their def beats convention and get back to work. 

SANDERS: He’s serious?

PENCE: He’s serious. Just go with it. 

TRUMP: New tweet. “Syria. The timer has begun.”

PENCE: Sir!

TRUMP: What? Letting them know it’s 20 minutes until Cops is on. Cops. Great show. White guys arresting Mexicans. Not the hot ones, just the ugly ones. Send them back. Deport. Unless they want to help build a wall. Can respect!

SANDERS: If this keeps up my hair is going to look like yours, Mike. 

PENCE: If this keeps up my hair is going to have a stroke. Along with the rest of me. 

TRUMP: New tweet. “Cuba. Say hello to my little friend.” 

PENCE:

SANDERS:

TRUMP: Talking about Wee Man. New midget ambassador to Cuba. Friend of mine. Tiny diplomacy!

10/4/2017 – Puerto Rico

PENCE: Ok Pence, President in Puerto Rico, here we go. 

KELLY: He can’t screw this up, can he? 

PENCE: 

KELLY: Really?

PENCE: Really. 

KELLY: Ok. He’s at the podium. 

TRUMP: You. Look at you all. Puerto Ricans. In Puerto Rico. Reminds me of when I was in New York. But more Puerto Ricans there. Population dynamics!

KELLY: Jesus Christ. What a disaster.

PENCE: No, no. For him that’s a good start. 

TRUMP: Ok. You. Hurricane Maria. 16 deaths. Not good. But better than Katrina Deaths. Should be proud of yourselves. Puerto Ricans. Always doing things at a lower cost. Economical!

KELLY: It’s like a car wreck. It’s horrific and I can’t turn away. 

PENCE: Oh you’re going to love what comes next.

TRUMP: Puerto Rico. Needs help. Give and take. To get help need to give help. Don’t be like San Juan Mayor Cruz. One minute, so complementary of me. Correct to do so. Trump response, so tremendous. Just amazing, the best, believe me. Next minute, Dems telling her to complain. Ungrateful!

KELLY: Did he just make this all about him? 

PENCE: Hi, have you been around the last 9 months? 

TRUMP: Needs to be a community effort. You want help? Help yourselves.  We’re politicians,  not public servants. Lazy misconception!

KELLY: How could he possibly go any lower?

PENCE: Wait for it…

TRUMP: You want help? Here. Trump helps. Got a bunch of paper towel rolls here. Should fix everything. Two-ply, so generous. Trump genersosity best generosity. Don’t want to touch any of you, so I’m tossing these as far away as possible. Really far. Trump throwing arm, best throwing arm. Major leagues!

PENCE: There you go. 

KELLY: How…how have you managed all this time? 

PENCE: Easy. I always expect it to get worse. 

TRUMP: Was going to bring T-shirt cannon, but thanks to that Las Vegas shooter and the liberals complaining about gun control again, wouldn’t look good. Bad optics!

KELLY: Like that? Is that rock bottom?

PENCE: No, I think he’s got one more in him.

TRUMP: Totally understand your suffering. Feel your pain. Like a billionaire ibuprofen pill. Anesthesia! If anyone needs me, I’ll be back at my golf resort with full power and plumbing recovering from my private 90 minute flight. Trump suffering, but can overcome. Resilient!

PENCE: And there you go. 

KELLY: How have you managed all this time? 

PENCE: Easy, just leave your soul at home.

TRUMP: Want some authentic Puerto Rican food now. Where can a president get a taco around here? Indigenous cuisine! 

10/2/2017 – Two for One

PENCE: Mr. President, are you ok? 

TRUMP: I don’t know, Michael. Between the devastation in Puerto Rico and now this mass shooting in Las Vegas, I’m beginning to question the meaning of it all. 

PENCE: What???

TRUMP: There’s this mantle of leadership I’ve been tasked with. How does one man, despite overwhelming power, ease the concerns of a nation and more or less state that he’s going to deal with Mother Nature? No man has that power not even a president. 

PENCE: What the hell??? 

TRUMP: And then the recent news of that shooting in Las Vegas. The first thought that comes to mind is, “how can we take this horrific, evil action, and not associate it with terrorism?” That naturally leads to an internal debate about whether we’ve been miscategorizing Islam all along and just seeing things through a Christian lens. Now I know what you’re thinking-

PENCE: I think I’m thinking I’m living in Bizarro world right now, but go ahead.

TRUMP: Well I’M thinking what is the unifying theme across all of these events? Puerto Rico? Las Vegas? Harvey? The Antifa riots? Health care? North Korea? Well, Mike, one thing comes to mind. 

PENCE: You’ve had a stroke. That must be it. Or this is one of those teen movies where you’ve been hit on the head and-

TRUMP: Well, Michael, the only thing that DID hit me on the head, or IN the head rather, is the unifying unmet need across all of these factors. 

PENCE: And…that is…

TRUMP: Compassion for your fellow man. 

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Get the hell out of here, Alec Baldwin.

BALDWIN: HA! You got me Mike! No seriously screw you and everything you stand for but good job seeing through that!

PENCE: I have to admit it’s a pretty good impression, Alec. Oh! Mr. President! Sorry, I was, uh- 

TRUMP: You. Only thing you’re doing is redefining useless. Major success! Question one. When did we get the mirror?

PENCE: Mirror, sir? 

BALDWIN: When did we get the mirror? 

TRUMP: Talking mirror. Good stuff. Can complement myself and hear echo. Two for one praise!

BALDWIN: Talking mirror. Good stuff. Can complement myself and hear echo. Two for one praise!

TRUMP: Question two. Why is the mirror running out of the Oval Office? 

PENCE: It’s…one of those fancy Ikea mirrors? 

TRUMP: Ikea. Great store. Big fan of the Blorgfl line. Can’t stand the Strood. Too pedestrian. Swedishly classless!

PENCE: I miss that mirror. 

TRUMP: OK. Next up. Need to link Puerto Rico and Vegas shooting to O’Bombs failure. Add Hillary. Two for one scapegoats!