12/6/2017 – Isengard

PENCE: There’s a lot of fallout about the move.

TILLERSON: A lot of people are very surprised and upset, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: Couldn’t help it. Soft tacos. The devil’s work on the colon. Colonic exorcism!

PENCE: Not that kind of, um, movement. Sir. 

TILLERSON: Also, ew. 

PENCE: We’re talking about your recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital. 

TRUMP: Why are people taking everything I say so seriously? Was joking about that. Trump jokes best jokes. So funny. Just the best, believe me. 

TILLERSON: You’re the president, sir. The public takes everything you say seriously. 

TRUMP: Well this changes things. 

PENCE: I’m glad that you are beginning to recognize the gravity of your actions and-

TRUMP: Didn’t know I have the ability to move capitals. Boom. Trump power up!

TILLERSON: I don’t think that works in all-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. China. Moving capital to Golden Palace Dragon Wok on Independence Avenue. Better egg rolls!

PENCE: I don’t think that’s how it-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. Mexico. Moving capital to Antarctica. No need to build wall now. Too far!

TILLERSON: The authority associated with your-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. North Korea. Capital moved to South Korea. Successful invasion!

PENCE: Mr. President, I-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. France. Moving capital to McDonald’s on 46th street in Manhattan. Guess why. 

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

TRUMP: I have a wetlist for assassination targets. 

PENCE: *Sigh* because of the french fries.

TILLERSON: And the french toast. 

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: So regarding the embassy in Tel Aviv I’m assuming you want to still move it to-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. America. 

TILLERSON: Wait. I got this one. Mar a Lago. 

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You. Such an idiot. Just the worst. 

PENCE: I didn’t expect that one. 

TRUMP: New capital is New York. According to the Globalization and World Cities Research Network, New York and London are the only Alpha double plus rated cities in the world according to socioeconomic, cultural, and political influence. Washington. Three categories down as an alpha minus. Therefore, need to centralize power in global hub and undisputed U.S. hub. Streamlining urban efficiency!

TILLERSON: I have to admit that is the beginnings of a sound, logical argument that-

TRUMP: Also home to Trump towers. Trump. Most powerful person. Trump Tower. Most powerful place. Like Isengard but with gold plated toilets. Classier hobbits!

 TILLERSON: And that’s the end of a sound, logical argument.

PENCE: What’s a hobbit?

TRUMP: You. Such an Uruk-Hai. 

PENCE: ….thank you sir?

TRUMP: Sure. 

TILLERSON: Sir, about Jerusalem, I-

TRUMP: It made sense to recognize capital of Israel as Jerusalem. This recognizes a de facto reality that Jerusalem is the center of Israeli life and culture. Also, it serves notice to Palestine that their century-long assault on Isreal and Zionism as an idea have no place in modern society and therefore place the Palestinians on notice. It forces the world and the Muslim world in particular to recognize reality. It’s an ugly truth but a necessary one if we’re going to to achieve any long-term peace both in the region and in the world long-term. 

TILLERSON: Dear Lord that was brilliant! How did-

PENCE: Ah. Broken record. He achieves perfect clarity twice a day. Followed by-

TRUMP: Also, Jerusalem McDonald’s are the best in Israel. So good. So kosher. Tel Aviv. Sounds like a planet from Star Trek. No Klingons!

PENCE: Followed by that. 

TRUMP: Need to tweet. Jerusalem. New Isengard in the Middle East. No Uruk-Hai allowed. Stay out Pence!

PENCE: That’s…good? 

TRUMP: Sure. 

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12/4/2017 – Vermin

PENCE: Mr. President, I understand your general dissatisfaction with the FBI, but do you think it was worthwhile to call them out on Twitter. 

TRUMP: FBI. Who cares. Stands for fumbling bumbling idiots. Can’t hear a word I say!

FBI: *Ah-choo!*

TRUMP: Trump bless you. 

PENCE: That…wasn’t me sir. 

TRUMP: Who was that. 

PUTIN: Dat was Eff bee eye. Eees comical. 

TRUMP: Who said that? 

PENCE: It wasn’t me!

FBI: Me neither. 

PUTIN: Can proove nothing. 

CIA: Didn’t say anything.

ORB: COVFEFE

TRUMP: Ok. Had enough. All you voices. Can’t see but can hear. Trump ears believe me. Hears everything. People saying “Trump is amazing” and “Trump is the best ever”. So True. Just the best. Peerless!

PENCE: Yes sir, no one can truly compare to you.

FBI: True

CIA: Accurate

PUTIN: Eees true. 

ORB: UNDENIABLE

TRUMP: OK. Last time. Voices. Put names to them. Identify. Go. 

FBI: We’re….the…

CIA: Roaches. Just us roaches. 

PUTIN: Yes. The Vite Howse. Eeees crawleeng vith bugs!

ORB: A VILE INFESTATION

TRUMP: That’s better. Can deal. Don’t mind bugs listening in to what I say. 

PENCE: Clearly. 

TRUMP: But all you. Have to go. If there’s one thing we can’t have around here is disgusting vermin infesting the White House. No place! 

PENCE:

FBI:

CIA:

PUTIN:

ORB:

TRUMP: What? 

12/1/2017 – PO Box

PENCE: Disastrous news Mr. President!

TRUMP: You have a twin brother? 

PENCE: Worse! Flynn turned!

TRUMP: Flynn. 

PENCE: Yes!

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: He was your former National Security Advisor. 

TRUMP: Knew that. Just taking a dramatic pause. 

PENCE: Well, he’s not pausing. In fact, he’s acting. He just pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI about his contacts with the Russian ambassador. 

TRUMP: Boom. Great news. In the clear!

PENCE: He’s admitting he lied about not contacting the ambassador when he actually did. 

TRUMP: Un-boom. Not great news. 

PENCE: He’s cooperating with Robert Mueller now. 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: The special prosecutor who’s investigating any ties you may have had with Russia. 

TRUMP: Totally untrue! No Russian ties whatsoever. Fake news! 

PENCE: Well that’s a relief. 

TRUMP: Hold on. Phone. You. Phone guy. Speak. 

PUTIN: Hyello. 

TRUMP: Poots! What’s the good word?

PUTIN: Total vorld dominashun. 

TRUMP: That’s three words. 

PUTIN: Eees Russian exchyange rate. 

TRUMP: What do you need, Poots? 

PUTIN: Your-anium. 

TRUMP: Whoa. Slow down comrade. Only Melania gets to see that. Personal business!

PUTIN: Nyet. The uther your-anium. The kind that makes big bombs. 

TRUMP: You got it. Package in the mail. Send to your PO BOX? 

PUTIN: Da. PO Box. Putin’s Office. Eees best place. 

TRUMP: League of Legends tonight? 

PUTIN: Vord eees bond. You gank, Putin spank. Proschay. 

TRUMP: That was Putin. On my phone. My personal phone. 

PENCE:

TRUMP: Great guy that Putin. Always demanding Uranium but man can play a good game of League. Almost Trumpian!

PENCE: Meuller is going to prosecute you!

TRUMP: Why? Have no ties with Putin. All ties. Made in China. American ties. So good. So quality. So Asian. Foreign patriotism!

PENCE: Not those kind of ties!

TRUMP: You. Too tense. Probably too much Uranium. Need to get rid of it. Putin. Great guy. Willing to take Uranium off our hands. Problem solver! 

11/30/2017 – Rubs Off On Everything

TRUMP: This tweet. Going to be so good. Just the best, believe me.

PENCE: I hesitate to ask, but what exactly are you going to tweet about, sir? 

DeVOS: I have a couple of suggestions you may wish to consider!

TILLERSON: I may have a couple of ideas to highlight your success, Mr. President.

PENCE: As do I, sir.

TRUMP: Already made up my mind, but in the words of the NRA, shoot. 

DeVOS: Unemployment is at an all time record low!

TRUMP: Boring. People should be working. Even the lazy jobless. Redundant!

TILLERSON: The consumer confidence index rose to 129.5, sir, its highest since December 2000! 

TRUMP: Of course it did. Trump confidence is rubbing off on consumer confidence. Trump. Rubs off on everything!

TILLERSON: ….ew. 

PENCE: We could stress how you are imposing stronger sanctions on North Korea, sir, while noting that you had a positive diplomatic engagement with Chinese President Xi JinPing! 

TRUMP: Problem with Chinese tweets is 30 minutes later you want to retweet it.

DeVOS: 

TILLERSON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Chinese tweet joke. Just the best. 

DeVOS: HA!

TILLERSON: Quite humorous.

PENCE: Haha!

TRUMP: Ugh. You three. Can’t even fake laugh. More suggestions. Go.

TILLERSON: What about the record high in the stock market? 

PENCE: There’s always the push to emphasize the GOP tax cut. 

DeVOS: OR HOW CTHULHU LORD OF DARKNESS SHALL ONE DAY REIGN OVER A BLOOD SOAKED PLANET OF MISERY

TILLERSON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

DeVOS:

TILLERSON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

DeVOS: America! 

TRUMP: You guys. Good news but boring suggestions. Already have Trump tweet planned. Makes me look good. Trump already looks good but people need to be reminded. Refresher course!

TILLERSON: Well then obviously you’re going to mention your success with the fight against Radical Isl-

TRUMP: Going to mock Matt Lauer. 

TILLERSON: Got to admit – I wasn’t expecting that.

PENCE: Got to admit – I was. 

DeVOS: Got to admit I-AM A HELLWITCH FROM THE NETHER-I mean I had an inkling. 

TILLERSON: Just…for our own education, Mr. President…why Matt Lauer? 

TRUMP: Makes me look better by comparison. Lauer. So handsome. So pompous. Acts like he’s such a great guy. Turns out he’s a sleazebag misogynist who hits on women and then abuses his power by bullying them into keeping their mouth shut. Can you imagine anyone you know acting like that? 

PENCE: 

DeVOS: 

TILLERSON: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

DeVOS: 

TILLERSON: 

TRUMP: I have the hotline to Putin’s Siberian prisoner camps.

PENCE: Hillary.

DeVOS: Elizabeth Warren.  

TILLERSON: Rosie O’Donnell.

TRUMP: Boom. You three. No need to buy parkas. For now. 

TILLERSON: How have you handled this the entire year? 

PENCE: Remember when you thought I was joking about leaving your soul at home? 

DeVOS: WORKS FOR ME

11/28/2017 – Pocahontas

PENCE: Mr. President, the Navajo Code Talkers are here.

TRUMP: Never heard of them. I’m greeting indie rock bands now? Unspringsteenian! 

PENCE: Actually, sir, these folks used their Navajo language to send Allied secret messages during World War 2. 

TRUMP: So they just sent messages doing that hand to the mouth “Heya! Heya! Heya!” thing? Dangerously simple!

PENCE: *that’s not the only thing that’s dangerously simple*

TRUMP: Who said what now? 

PENCE: Ah! They’re here! Mr. President allow me to introduce-

TRUMP: Already know their names. You. Chief Double Down. Probably own a casino. Can appreciate. Probably not as classy as Trump casino, but good try with your inferior native american attempt. Can respect! Trump casino, best casino believe me. So good. Just the best. 

PENCE: *sigh* and this is-

TRUMP: Dances with Acoholism. Probably downs two bottles a day. Indians. Tremendous drunks. Not like dots on the head Indians, but still just as brown. Can respect!

PENCE: I am so, SO, sorry gentlemen. 

DANCES: It’s fine, Man with Head of Snow. We expect nothing less from the Whitest of White Men. 

TRUMP: Whitest of white men. This guy. Knows me so well. 

CHIEF: It is an honor for you to meet us. However, I would have preferred not to have this ceremony in front of the portrait of Andrew Jackson, who signed the Indian Removal Act and banished my people and our cousins in spirit from our ancestral homelands. 

TRUMP: I figured it would be good because this guy is on the twenty. Can’t do it under Benjamin Franklin because he’s not a president like yours truly, and when’s the last time you guys have seen a hundred dollar bill? Even you, Chief Double Down, probably only see it in chips. Not the same!

PENCE: And now the cameras are on to capture this moment for eternity. I don’t know how it could possibly get any worse than-

TRUMP: Ok. Speech time. 

PENCE: Well there’s one way. 

TRUMP: You guys. Indians. Not like dothead Indians who drive the cabs and know computers and are doctors. Our Indians. American Indians. You’re the guys that people had to play when everybody picked cowboys first. 

PENCE: And down the hole we go. 

TRUMP: You guys. Fought in World War 2. Good job. 

PENCE: Looking up!

TRUMP: But probably let the white guys do the real fighting. 

PENCE: Aaaand looking down…. 

TRUMP: So we’re here to honor you guys for talking in codes. Don’t like. Best speech direct speech. Let everyone know what you think. That way they can know who you are. Total clarity!

PENCE: …off the rails…

TRUMP: You guys. Real Indians. Not like Senator Warren who pretends she’s an Indian. Pocahontas. So bad. Just the worst. Using that to advance her career. 

PENCE: Impact in 3…2..1…

TRUMP: If she wants to pick a fake Disney cartoon character as her heritage, she should go with Little Mermaid. Not Sleeping Beauty because she’s ugly. Maybe Mulan if she wants to pretend she’s smart like the Chinese, but may be confused as a North Korean since they all look alike. 

PENCE: Impact! We’re in flames! Oh the humanity! 

TRUMP: What are you going on about Pence?

PENCE: I was just thinking that perhaps we could…um…dramatically change the subject to discuss the code talkers! 

TRUMP: Can do. You guys. Talk so people can’t understand a word you’re saying. Speaking but nobody gets what you’re going on about. Can’t relate!

PENCE: That last sentence just exploded in my brain.

CHIEF: I understand Mr. President. 

DANCES: We simply wanted to serve our country.

TRUMP: You guys. Like this is your country. Good imagination! Everyone knows you live on those reservations. Shame on you for living in restaurants. Taking up the good seats!

PENCE: I have no idea how this could possibly get worse.

TRUMP: Anyway thanks for coming to Washington. You guys want to go see a Redskins game on Thursday?

PENCE: We’ve hit rock bottom. 

TRUMP: They’re playing the Cowboys. Just like the old days!

PENCE: Correction. NOW we’ve hit rock bottom. 

11/23/2017 – Thankful

TRUMP: Uggghhh. 

PENCE: Sir? 

TRUMP: So awful. Helped him out with his crimes. Got him out of trouble. No word of thanks! On Thanksgiving!

PENCE: Sir I’m sure Mr. Loser Ball is actually very-

TRUMP: Talking about that Turkey the one I pardoned. So ungrateful. Selfish poultry!

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: SO…Mr. President, it’s Thanksgiving. Is there you anything that you are tha-

TRUMP: One. Being Trump. So good. Just the best. Two. Not being you. Can’t imagine that existence. Probably hell but  paler. Three. Money. Just the best. Trump money best money. So classy. Four. Being President. Can do what I want. Could do that before but now when I tell people what to do they don’t say “Yes Mr. Trump”, they say “Yes, Mr. President Trump.” Natural evolution. Four. Poor people. Make me feel even richer. Financial relativity! Five…

PENCE: We’re going to be here a while.

11/22/2017 – Loser Ball

TRUMP: Need a new response. That insult won’t stand. This guy. So awful. 

PENCE: Of course sir. 

DeVOS: What’s going on, Michael? 

TRUMP: This guy. Very stupid. So ungrateful. Selfish!

PENCE: Oh it’s the President. He has a new enemy. 

DeVOS: Who is it? North Korea? Iran? Wait, not Putin?!?

PENCE: LaVar Ball. 

TRUMP: You. Told you not to use that name. Use new name. 

PENCE: *Sigh* Loser Ball. 

TRUMP: Boom. 

DeVOS: Who is Lav-

PENCE: LOSER Ball is this egotistical father of this rookie basketball player called Lonzo Ball. He’s an average player but the father is pushing him for maximum publicity to the point where even the Kardashians would be embarrassed. 

DeVOS: Why are they fighting? 

PENCE: Mr. Ball’s other son traveled to China with the UCLA basketball team and got in trouble shoplifting. The president negotiated their release and he’s angry that Mr. Ball didn’t thank the President immediately. Instead Mr. Ball responded with insults on TV.

TRUMP: Loser Ball. Just the worst. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s an egotistical guy who has to brag about his kids and use them to be the center of attention at all times. 

PENCE:

DeVOS: 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

DeVOS: 

TRUMP: What? 

PENCE: Oh, nothing, sir. It’s just that-

DeVOS: You were mentioning something about Twitter. 

TRUMP: Need a good response. 

PENCE: Loser Ball just tweeted sir. He said, um, “What up wit dis so called Prez. He not my boy. Obama 4 life cuz!” And then there’s a bunch of emojis and the hashtag black lives matter. 

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. Tweeting back now. 

DeVOS: Isn’t there an important bill, or an international crisis that-

TRUMP: Here we go. Just tweeted. “Loser Ball. Just the worst. Not in Trump league. Trump league best league, believe me. Lonzo plays in NBA. Trump plays in WNBA. Winning Now Best…Always…League. Tremendous. Just the best. So good. WNBA champ!” 

 PENCE: Mr. President, the WNBA is an actual league. 

DeVOS: It’s the Women’s National Basketball Association. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: So you…just tweeted that…you play women’s basketball. 

TRUMP: 

DeVOS: 

PENCE:

TRUMP: 

DeVOS: 

PENCE:

TRUMP: You. Almost funny. Had me going. Everyone knows women don’t play basketball. Athletic inferiors! 

PENCE: Sir, I don’t-

DeVOS: Of course. You’re absolutely right, sir!

PENCE: Why are you letting-

DeVOS: It’ll just take less energy. 

TRUMP: Uggggggghhhh!

PENCE: Sir? 

TRUMP: Loser. Not you, loser. Loser Ball loser. Just replied to my tweet. 

DeVOS: What did he say? 

TRUMP: “President be like I’m mister THANG! He thinkin he such a BALLA but Trumpidope don’t sweat my JOCK he no playa he just straight up TRIPPIN yo!” 

PENCE:

DeVOS:

TRUMP: Hashtag black lives matter.

PENCE:

DeVOS:

TRUMP:

PENCE: I’ve got nothing.

DeVOS: No idea. 

TRUMP: Loser Ball. Scary stupid. Just the worst. Grammatically challenged!

PENCE: Coming from you, sir, that’s saying a lot. 

TRUMP: Boom. Exactly. 

DeVOS: You’re awful, Michael. 

TRUMP: Agree on that Betsy. Pence. Bottom of barrel, only slightly above Loser Ball!

PENCE: Around these parts, that’s a compliment.