3/23/2018 – Hippo Ripper

TRUMP: You. Caucasian flunkie. Read that back to me. 

PENCE: *sigh* ok…”Biden. You. Wimp. Big mouth. Can respect. Weak old man. Can’t respect. Will go down hard and fast. Tomorrow. Behind the bleachers. Let’s finish this. Boom.”

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: Are you…sure you want me to send this to Mr. Biden sir? It seems so…so…

TRUMP: Manly. I know. Naturally. Trump too much man for Biden. Don’t want to hurt him but a threat’s a threat. Have to counter threat. Take care of things. Nip in the bud! 

PENCE: I…just don’t think your fighting Joe Biden is a proper response to-

TRUMP: Not fighting him. 

PENCE: But your message-

TRUMP: Just says to meet behind the bleachers. He shows up, Seal Team Six roughs him up a bit, I issue warning, problem solved. So good. Just the best. Puglistic education!

PENCE: I used to fight you on this stuff, but I’m just going to nod passively and say “Right away, Mr. President.”

TRUMP: Uggghhh. You. So passive. Like a workaholic quarterback. Always passing. Not even a good quarterback like Joe Montana or my best friend Tom Brady. More like an albino Geno Smith. Nothing but passes and interceptions. Need someone to break your jaw. No defense!

PENCE: Speaking of wisdom sir, National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster is here as requested. 

TRUMP: You. Awful segue. Need a distraction from the concept of you. Bring him in. 

McMASTER: Good afternoon Mr. Preside-

TRUMP: You’re fired. 

PENCE: And here we go. 

McMASTER: I’m ok with this. 

PENCE: Wait, what? 

McMASTER: Gotta admit, I kind of expected it. Hey I’m shocked I lasted as long as I have. 

TRUMP: Good man. Smart. Looks ahead. That’s why I hired you. Still fired though. 

PENCE: Mr. President, this doesn’t make sense! Why are you-

McMASTER: Can I take a guess, Mr. President? 

TRUMP: In the words of the NRA, shoot. But safely and only after extensive training.

McMASTER: I was going to say you’re uncomfortable with my approach to a more stable foreign policy approach, or how you and I never aligned professionally, but gun to my head-

TRUMP: Only do the gun thing with Pence. 

PENCE:  The President means well when he does that. 

TRUMP: Sure. 

McMASTER: Well, gun to my head, I’m going to guess you want me to leave because my last name is McMaster, which you think is a threat to being considered a master, unlike you who is “totally a master, the best master, believe me, so good.”

TRUMP: Boom. 

McMASTER: Boom indeed sir. 

TRUMP: But only a half-boom. 

 McMASTER: Wow. Ok, I thought that was it. 

TRUMP: There’s your weakness. Trump. Never ending pit of reasons. No bottom. 

PENCE: Did you really mean to describe yourself as a dark bottomless pit, sir? 

TRUMP: Yup. Filled with reasons. Firing McMaster here for a couple more. 

McMASTER: I admit I’m curious. 

TRUMP: Right on first part. Last name. Master. Can’t have that around here with Trumpmaster around. People may get confused. Can’t have! But there’s more. Not just Master but McMaster. Sounds like a perfect burger from the golden arches. But not burger. Just old guy. Big let down!

McMASTER: If it would have helped to bring you a Big Mac from time to time I could have-

TRUMP: Already have Pence for that. Also. You. Bald. No hair. So awful. Even Pence here, so weak. So Geno Smith passive. But has hair. Even useless white failure hair better than no hair. Can’t abide!

McMASTER: Got it. You’re an anti-scalp-ite. Any other-

TRUMP: First name HR. You’re an initial guy. Man of mystery. Those two letters could stand for anything. High roller. Human resources. Hungry rhinoceros.  

McMASTER: It’s Herbert Raymond, sir. 

TRUMP: Howitzer robot. Hilarious Ringo. Hippo ripper. 

McMASTER: How long is he going to do this? 

PENCE: Let’s just say he once spent one weekend trying to say Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Horatio Reebok. Hippie retard. Hungarian racist. Horny rump! 

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3/20/2018 – Thoughts and Prayers

TRUMP: So to recap. Sharks with lasers. Must recruit for Space Force. Can’t let Galactic Nazis control Venus. Sacred planet!

MATTIS: WILL DO SIR! U.S. SPACE MARINES WILL DOMINATE THE STARS! OORAH!!!

TRUMP: Gesundheit 

PENCE: Mr. President! I have some important news about-

MATTIS: PLEASE LET ME KILL THIS ALBINO PANSY BOY SIR!

PENCE: Eeep!

TRUMP: Ugggh. You. Pence. Eeep! Can’t even do terror right. You. Mad Dog. Entertaining. Love your enthusiasm. Lots of “gusto” or whatever the right Swedish word is. Need Pence around. Makes me look better. Low bar!

PENCE: Whew!

TRUMP: Dismissed, Mattis. 

MATTIS: THIS AIN’T OVER PENCE!

PENCE: I literally have no idea why he hates me so much. 

TRUMP: You. Joking. Look at you. Just a big Ken doll of wrong. Like God sat down and said “How do I define wrong?” Then said “Bingo!” and made you. Prototype of awful!

PENCE: Well, sir, I have something you might find in the “right” category-

TRUMP: Uggh. Even your segues are awful. Talk. 

PENCE: There’s been another school shooting in Maryland!

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

PENCE: …boom? 

TRUMP: You. Unboom. Need more context. Go. 

PENCE: Ah. Well, a high school student just down a-ways in Maryland shot two other high school students. 

TRUMP: Awful tragedy. Just the worst. Guns. So awful. Shouldn’t have to be held by bad guys. Should be in the hands of good guys. Firearms need love too!

PENCE: Those two students were critically wounded-

TRUMP: Thoughts and prayers.

PENCE: Of course, but the shooter was shot and killed by an armed campus security guard!

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

TRUMP: Great news. So good. Not best news ever. Best news is Trump becoming President. Day that will live in infamy. Historic!

PENCE: I…don’t think infamy is the-

TRUMP: Listen to you. Captain of the SS Thesaurus here. Articulate dinosaur!

PENCE: Sure. Infamy is…correct. As you say sir. 

TRUMP: No time for talk. Teenage shooter killed. Great day. Need to take action!

PENCE: So when are you planning to visit the hospitals of those two injured students? I’ll make sure the press is-

TRUMP: Not talking about them. Already said thoughts and prayers. All better now. Need to tweet how Trump was right all along about getting guns in the hands of teachers. Trump guns, best guns, believe me. 

PENCE: I think I should point out, Mr. President, that while I agree with the presence of firearms in schools, this was a professionally trained security guard, not a teacher. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: So I think you know what that means.

TRUMP: Naturally. All security guards now teachers. 

PENCE: Wait, what? No! I meant-

TRUMP: Teachers. So dumb. Book smart but not street smart like Trump. Teachers. No guns. Security guards. Have guns. Therefore smart. Kids listen or else. Armed curriculum!

PENCE: I’m…going to go see if I can take General Mattis up on that offer to kill me now. 

TRUMP: Sure. Tell him to stop by when he’s done. Want to get that security guard on the Space Force. Only the Finest! 

3/15/2018 – Space Force

PENCE: Mr. President your next sacrifice I mean Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is here. 

TRUMP: Bring him in. 

POMPEO: Already here sir. 

TRUMP: GAH! How did you do that? Amazing! 

POMPEO: I was the Director of the CIA, sir. My training included clandestine entry procedures.

PENCE: Now see here that pornographic language will not be tolerated in the Oval-   

TRUMP: Impressive stealth! Just not there but suddenly there. Like a Caucasian Ben Carson. 

CARSON: I’m here sir. 

TRUMP: Yow! Surrounded by incompetent ninjas! Hey Pompeii, you should get some of those chop-sockey guys in black. Budget increase! 

POMPEO: Actually, sir, the CIA already has an elite covert group of-

TRUMP: So. You. New Secretary. Not get me coffee secretary but manage everything while I take credit secretary. Job of a lifetime! 

PENCE: You can say that again sir!

TRUMP: Uggghhh! You. Pompernickel. Anything in those CIA folders about making Pence here disappear?

POMPEO: Bunker 7, Sublevel 3. Hallway B, Room 149, Filecabinet X-14, third drawer, Folder titled “Operation White Out”. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO:

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO: Kidding, sir. 

PENCE: Whew!

TRUMP: You. I like you. This guy. Joker! Not Trump level of comedy but still funnyish. Rib-splitter!

POMPEO: We have a few of those for aggressive interrogation.

CARSON: I also chuckled. 

TRUMP: Yikes! Hey Pompom, you should hire this guy! 

PENCE: He’s your Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, sir. 

TRUMP: Not a real job. Trump. Already built housing and developed urbans.  No work needed, just told others what to do. So good at that, believe me. Just the best. 

POMPEO: You wished to see me, Mr. President? 

TRUMP: Want a Space Force. 

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP: Force in space. Fight off aliens. With pew pew lasers. Military Jedis!

CARSON: The Jedis were technically not in the Republic Military although they did serve as valued generals. 

TRUMP: Now I wish you really would disappear. 

 POMPEO: Bunker 5, Sublevel 9. Hallway A, Room 135, Filecabinet G-19, bottom drawer, Folder titled “Surgical Malpractice”. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO:

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO: Kidding, sir. 

TRUMP: This guy!

PENCE: A true jester of comedy, Mr. President!

CARSON: I did not chuckle that time. 

TRUMP: GEEZ! Carson. Just appears out of a cloak of boredom. Distractingly dull!

3/14/2018 – Cupcake Battle

PENCE: Sir, Rex Tillerson is here. 

TILLERSON: Good morning Mr. President, I have the today’s breakdown of the-

TRUMP: You’re fired.

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

TILLERSON: Heh. I’m sorry sir, I know you said “you’re tired” and that’s true I’m a but fatigued today but it sounded like-

TRUMP: You’re fired.

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

TRUMP: Boom.

PENCE:

TILLERSON: Is Mike the-

TRUMP: No. You. Rex. Done. Bye. Roll credits, take elevator down to lobby, get in car, give quick commentary, run next week’s preview. 

PENCE: You’re…not on The Apprentice sir.

TRUMP: I’m sitting in the big chair firing people left and right for being incompetent and failing to execute on any random idea that shoots into my head.  

PENCE: …Dear Lord you’re right. 

TRUMP: Boom again. 

TILLERSON: Uh, hey, back to me here!

TRUMP: Never back to you. Only back to me. Trump. GPS of this office. 

TILLERSON: WHY am I being fired? Is it my job performance?

TRUMP: No. You. Great job, even though you did awful job. 

TILLERSON: Personality conflict? 

TRUMP: No. You. Minimal personality. Barely enough to have a conflict. Still a better personality here than the Albino Crusader here, but not that. 

PENCE: A crusader! Thank you for the compliment, sir! 

TRUMP: Exhibit A. 

TILLERSON: I have to admit I’m at a loss here sir. Why are you letting me go?

TRUMP: You. First name Rex. Just found out that means “king”. Thought it meant dog, like “Come here Rex!” Rexdog appropriate. You. Fetch. Good. You. King. Ungood. Only one King here. Two thumbs up, pointing back at this guy with the amazing totally natural hair. Trump King best king believe me.

TILLERSON: You DO realize the entire foundation of our country was built on overthrowing the power of the British Monarchy? 

TRUMP: Unrelevant. You. Not king. If I have someone beneath me going around calling himself a king people will talk badly about me. 

TILLERSON: …and not about everything else. 

TRUMP: Already replaced you. Mike Pompeo. CIA chief. 

TILLERSON: The CIA Director? An…interesting choice. Commendable in fact. May I assume you selected him based on his flawless track reco-

TRUMP: Name reminds me of that city in Italy. 

TILLERSON: Pompeii? 

TRUMP: Boom. Great place Pompeii. Therefore, great replacement. Never been to Pompeii, but heard it’s a huge tourist attraction. Can’t miss!

TILLERSON: You…do realize that Pompeii was destro-

PENCE: -JUST labelled the World’s Greatest Tourist Attraction in 2018! Great pick sir!

TRUMP: Boom!

TILLERSON: …said the volcano. Have you no soul Mike? 

PENCE: Hey, his name’s Mike too. So I figure he can take half of the abuse. 

TRUMP: Unpossible. Pence abuse. Plenty to go around. Nonstop font of degradation!

TILLERSON: Suddenly I’m ok with this departure. 

PENCE: …take me with you? 

TILLERSON: No. 

TRUMP: Still can’t believe Dee Snyder and Adam Carolla in the running. Next week cupcake battle.

TILLERSON: YOU’RE NOT ON THE APPRENTICE!

PENCE: Just let him believe it, Rex. That way we can convince him to take time off for commercial breaks. 

3/9/2018 – Trumplomacy

KIM JONG UN: Welcome back to the Most Glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Korea dear sister.

KIM YO JONG: Hey whassup.

UN: You…do not sound yourself dear sister.

YO: Yeah, um…you need to go talk to the Americans. Cut a deal.

UN: Has the decadent capitalist society corrupted your soul so quickly? Surely the devils at the Olympics have not glorified their-

YO: Sure. That’s great. Listen. I talked to this guy Shaun White. American snowboarder. Loves the weed.

UN: The herb of the devil! Have you fallen under the spell of its vile chemistry! Our father could magically whisk away the impurity from your blood, and since I share-

YO: Just shut up a second. He told me one of the great secrets of America. If our citizens discover it, there will be rioting in the streets.

UN: Surely not…the McRib? I still recall the bland rice riots of 2004.

YO: Worse.

UN: Not the…*gasp*!!!

YO: Yes! The P’ZONE! They’ve perfected the P’ZONE!

*************************************************

PENCE: Good news Mr. President, we just received news from the Korean Peninsula. Apparently North Korea is willing to talk.

TRUMP: Get tough policy works every time. Trump charisma. So good. So good. Just the best believe me. Trumplomacy!

3/5/2018 – Fish F-er.

PENCE: Is it time? 

TILLERSON: *Sigh* I’m afraid so. 

PENCE: Couldn’t we just, I don’t know, tell him it’s still going on? This has been the most peaceful three weeks since I’ve been here. 

TILLERSON: At some point he’s going to run out of food and water and then come the inquiries. Because technically that would be murder. 

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

PENCE: Well-

TILLERSON: No. 

PENCE: *Sigh* ok. Hit the button. 

TILLERSON: Mr President, we’re opening up your private escape bunker. 

TRUMP: You. Rex something. Forgot last name. Not Trump last name so no need to remember. Oscars all done? 

TILLERSON: Yes sir, it’s safe, you can come out now. 

PENCE: Welcome back, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: President Trump. Into the future. If the future looks like you two it must be dumber than ever. Sci-Fi stupidity!

PENCE: As requested sir, I have the recap of the Oscars. 

TRUMP: And? 

PENCE: …the Fate of the Furious did not win. Again. 

TRUMP: Travesty!

TILLERSON: Didn’t that release last year? 

TRUMP: Doesn’t matter. Any movie that combines the acting caliber of Dwayne Johnson with Mark Sinclair should be nominated every year. Special SAG exemption!

TILLERSON: Mark Sinclair? 

PENCE: Vin Deisel. Just…don’t ask. 

TRUMP: Rest of Oscar deets. Go. 

PENCE: Coco won best Animated Film. 

TRUMP: The one where the Mexicans invade death? Horrible. Need walls!

TILLERSON: Dunkirk won a few awards for-

TRUMP: Don’t care about Star Trek. Go. 

PENCE: Ah. Kirk. I understood that reference!

TILLERSON: Call Me By Your Name won for Best Adapted Screenplay. 

TRUMP: Sounds interesting. What’s it about?

TILLERSON: It’s a homosexual-

TRUMP: Next movie. 

PENCE: Jordan Peele won for Best Original Screenplay for Get Out. 

TRUMP: Digging the title. You. Plot. Go.

PENCE: So this African American man and a Caucasian woman-

TRUMP: Next movie.

TILLERSON: The Shape of Water won Best Picture. 

TRUMP: Explain. 

PENCE: Well, sir, it’s a bit of a dark fantasy movie where a deaf cleaning lady falls in love with a captured merman creature in a top secret government lab.

TRUMP: Makes no sense. 

TILLERSON: It’s fiction, Mr. President. There’s no such thing as-

TRUMP: No. Plot I get. Reverse Splash. Tom Hanks. Darryl Hannah. Gender swapped. On board with that.  But water. No shape. Confusing title. Should just call it Fish Fucker. Honest title!

PENCE: Fish-

TILLERSON: -Fucker. 

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: 

TILLERSON: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: I..don’t think…the Academy would-

TRUMP: All of this pointless. Want to know the big thing. 

PENCE: Ah. Changing subjects. Thank God.

TILLERSON: You were actually not mentioned much during the awards ceremony at all. The celebrities focused on the Times Up movement. 

TRUMP: You. Ugly Oscar stand in. Times Up. Explain.

PENCE: That’s the movement where the Hollywood community is demanding an end to sexual harassment of women from powerful men. 

TRUMP: Amazing. Outstanding. What an achievement!

TILLERSON: Wow! Well I have to say I’m impressed by your stance on this issue Mr. Presi-

TRUMP: Times Up. Amazing work of complete fiction. Unpossible. Will never happen. Should have won Oscar for best unattainable goal. Would sooner believe in that Fish Fucker movie than sexual harassment ending. Fact of life!

TILLERSON: You knew he was going to say that didn’t you? 

PENCE: Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I won Best Actor in a Comedy and Horror.