3/15/2018 – Space Force

PENCE: Mr. President your next sacrifice I mean Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is here. 

TRUMP: Bring him in. 

POMPEO: Already here sir. 

TRUMP: GAH! How did you do that? Amazing! 

POMPEO: I was the Director of the CIA, sir. My training included clandestine entry procedures.

PENCE: Now see here that pornographic language will not be tolerated in the Oval-   

TRUMP: Impressive stealth! Just not there but suddenly there. Like a Caucasian Ben Carson. 

CARSON: I’m here sir. 

TRUMP: Yow! Surrounded by incompetent ninjas! Hey Pompeii, you should get some of those chop-sockey guys in black. Budget increase! 

POMPEO: Actually, sir, the CIA already has an elite covert group of-

TRUMP: So. You. New Secretary. Not get me coffee secretary but manage everything while I take credit secretary. Job of a lifetime! 

PENCE: You can say that again sir!

TRUMP: Uggghhh! You. Pompernickel. Anything in those CIA folders about making Pence here disappear?

POMPEO: Bunker 7, Sublevel 3. Hallway B, Room 149, Filecabinet X-14, third drawer, Folder titled “Operation White Out”. 






POMPEO: Kidding, sir. 

PENCE: Whew!

TRUMP: You. I like you. This guy. Joker! Not Trump level of comedy but still funnyish. Rib-splitter!

POMPEO: We have a few of those for aggressive interrogation.

CARSON: I also chuckled. 

TRUMP: Yikes! Hey Pompom, you should hire this guy! 

PENCE: He’s your Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, sir. 

TRUMP: Not a real job. Trump. Already built housing and developed urbans.  No work needed, just told others what to do. So good at that, believe me. Just the best. 

POMPEO: You wished to see me, Mr. President? 

TRUMP: Want a Space Force. 






TRUMP: Force in space. Fight off aliens. With pew pew lasers. Military Jedis!

CARSON: The Jedis were technically not in the Republic Military although they did serve as valued generals. 

TRUMP: Now I wish you really would disappear. 

 POMPEO: Bunker 5, Sublevel 9. Hallway A, Room 135, Filecabinet G-19, bottom drawer, Folder titled “Surgical Malpractice”. 






POMPEO: Kidding, sir. 

TRUMP: This guy!

PENCE: A true jester of comedy, Mr. President!

CARSON: I did not chuckle that time. 

TRUMP: GEEZ! Carson. Just appears out of a cloak of boredom. Distractingly dull!


3/14/2018 – Cupcake Battle

PENCE: Sir, Rex Tillerson is here. 

TILLERSON: Good morning Mr. President, I have the today’s breakdown of the-

TRUMP: You’re fired.





TILLERSON: Heh. I’m sorry sir, I know you said “you’re tired” and that’s true I’m a but fatigued today but it sounded like-

TRUMP: You’re fired.



TRUMP: Boom.


TILLERSON: Is Mike the-

TRUMP: No. You. Rex. Done. Bye. Roll credits, take elevator down to lobby, get in car, give quick commentary, run next week’s preview. 

PENCE: You’re…not on The Apprentice sir.

TRUMP: I’m sitting in the big chair firing people left and right for being incompetent and failing to execute on any random idea that shoots into my head.  

PENCE: …Dear Lord you’re right. 

TRUMP: Boom again. 

TILLERSON: Uh, hey, back to me here!

TRUMP: Never back to you. Only back to me. Trump. GPS of this office. 

TILLERSON: WHY am I being fired? Is it my job performance?

TRUMP: No. You. Great job, even though you did awful job. 

TILLERSON: Personality conflict? 

TRUMP: No. You. Minimal personality. Barely enough to have a conflict. Still a better personality here than the Albino Crusader here, but not that. 

PENCE: A crusader! Thank you for the compliment, sir! 

TRUMP: Exhibit A. 

TILLERSON: I have to admit I’m at a loss here sir. Why are you letting me go?

TRUMP: You. First name Rex. Just found out that means “king”. Thought it meant dog, like “Come here Rex!” Rexdog appropriate. You. Fetch. Good. You. King. Ungood. Only one King here. Two thumbs up, pointing back at this guy with the amazing totally natural hair. Trump King best king believe me.

TILLERSON: You DO realize the entire foundation of our country was built on overthrowing the power of the British Monarchy? 

TRUMP: Unrelevant. You. Not king. If I have someone beneath me going around calling himself a king people will talk badly about me. 

TILLERSON: …and not about everything else. 

TRUMP: Already replaced you. Mike Pompeo. CIA chief. 

TILLERSON: The CIA Director? An…interesting choice. Commendable in fact. May I assume you selected him based on his flawless track reco-

TRUMP: Name reminds me of that city in Italy. 

TILLERSON: Pompeii? 

TRUMP: Boom. Great place Pompeii. Therefore, great replacement. Never been to Pompeii, but heard it’s a huge tourist attraction. Can’t miss!

TILLERSON: You…do realize that Pompeii was destro-

PENCE: -JUST labelled the World’s Greatest Tourist Attraction in 2018! Great pick sir!

TRUMP: Boom!

TILLERSON: …said the volcano. Have you no soul Mike? 

PENCE: Hey, his name’s Mike too. So I figure he can take half of the abuse. 

TRUMP: Unpossible. Pence abuse. Plenty to go around. Nonstop font of degradation!

TILLERSON: Suddenly I’m ok with this departure. 

PENCE: …take me with you? 


TRUMP: Still can’t believe Dee Snyder and Adam Carolla in the running. Next week cupcake battle.


PENCE: Just let him believe it, Rex. That way we can convince him to take time off for commercial breaks. 

3/9/2018 – Trumplomacy

KIM JONG UN: Welcome back to the Most Glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Korea dear sister.

KIM YO JONG: Hey whassup.

UN: You…do not sound yourself dear sister.

YO: Yeah, um…you need to go talk to the Americans. Cut a deal.

UN: Has the decadent capitalist society corrupted your soul so quickly? Surely the devils at the Olympics have not glorified their-

YO: Sure. That’s great. Listen. I talked to this guy Shaun White. American snowboarder. Loves the weed.

UN: The herb of the devil! Have you fallen under the spell of its vile chemistry! Our father could magically whisk away the impurity from your blood, and since I share-

YO: Just shut up a second. He told me one of the great secrets of America. If our citizens discover it, there will be rioting in the streets.

UN: Surely not…the McRib? I still recall the bland rice riots of 2004.

YO: Worse.

UN: Not the…*gasp*!!!

YO: Yes! The P’ZONE! They’ve perfected the P’ZONE!


PENCE: Good news Mr. President, we just received news from the Korean Peninsula. Apparently North Korea is willing to talk.

TRUMP: Get tough policy works every time. Trump charisma. So good. So good. Just the best believe me. Trumplomacy!

3/5/2018 – Fish F-er.

PENCE: Is it time? 

TILLERSON: *Sigh* I’m afraid so. 

PENCE: Couldn’t we just, I don’t know, tell him it’s still going on? This has been the most peaceful three weeks since I’ve been here. 

TILLERSON: At some point he’s going to run out of food and water and then come the inquiries. Because technically that would be murder. 





PENCE: Well-


PENCE: *Sigh* ok. Hit the button. 

TILLERSON: Mr President, we’re opening up your private escape bunker. 

TRUMP: You. Rex something. Forgot last name. Not Trump last name so no need to remember. Oscars all done? 

TILLERSON: Yes sir, it’s safe, you can come out now. 

PENCE: Welcome back, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: President Trump. Into the future. If the future looks like you two it must be dumber than ever. Sci-Fi stupidity!

PENCE: As requested sir, I have the recap of the Oscars. 

TRUMP: And? 

PENCE: …the Fate of the Furious did not win. Again. 

TRUMP: Travesty!

TILLERSON: Didn’t that release last year? 

TRUMP: Doesn’t matter. Any movie that combines the acting caliber of Dwayne Johnson with Mark Sinclair should be nominated every year. Special SAG exemption!

TILLERSON: Mark Sinclair? 

PENCE: Vin Deisel. Just…don’t ask. 

TRUMP: Rest of Oscar deets. Go. 

PENCE: Coco won best Animated Film. 

TRUMP: The one where the Mexicans invade death? Horrible. Need walls!

TILLERSON: Dunkirk won a few awards for-

TRUMP: Don’t care about Star Trek. Go. 

PENCE: Ah. Kirk. I understood that reference!

TILLERSON: Call Me By Your Name won for Best Adapted Screenplay. 

TRUMP: Sounds interesting. What’s it about?

TILLERSON: It’s a homosexual-

TRUMP: Next movie. 

PENCE: Jordan Peele won for Best Original Screenplay for Get Out. 

TRUMP: Digging the title. You. Plot. Go.

PENCE: So this African American man and a Caucasian woman-

TRUMP: Next movie.

TILLERSON: The Shape of Water won Best Picture. 

TRUMP: Explain. 

PENCE: Well, sir, it’s a bit of a dark fantasy movie where a deaf cleaning lady falls in love with a captured merman creature in a top secret government lab.

TRUMP: Makes no sense. 

TILLERSON: It’s fiction, Mr. President. There’s no such thing as-

TRUMP: No. Plot I get. Reverse Splash. Tom Hanks. Darryl Hannah. Gender swapped. On board with that.  But water. No shape. Confusing title. Should just call it Fish Fucker. Honest title!

PENCE: Fish-

TILLERSON: -Fucker. 

TRUMP: Boom. 




PENCE: I..don’t think…the Academy would-

TRUMP: All of this pointless. Want to know the big thing. 

PENCE: Ah. Changing subjects. Thank God.

TILLERSON: You were actually not mentioned much during the awards ceremony at all. The celebrities focused on the Times Up movement. 

TRUMP: You. Ugly Oscar stand in. Times Up. Explain.

PENCE: That’s the movement where the Hollywood community is demanding an end to sexual harassment of women from powerful men. 

TRUMP: Amazing. Outstanding. What an achievement!

TILLERSON: Wow! Well I have to say I’m impressed by your stance on this issue Mr. Presi-

TRUMP: Times Up. Amazing work of complete fiction. Unpossible. Will never happen. Should have won Oscar for best unattainable goal. Would sooner believe in that Fish Fucker movie than sexual harassment ending. Fact of life!

TILLERSON: You knew he was going to say that didn’t you? 

PENCE: Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I won Best Actor in a Comedy and Horror. 

2/12/2018 – Kim Yo Jong

TILLERSON: So if we keep the budget for NASA within last year’s standards the agency may be able to-

TRUMP: Cut it.

TILLERSON: -and now we’re grounded from the heavens. 

TRUMP: Space. Too dangerous for Americans. Have to watch out for those Klingons. Dangerous Jedis!

TILLERSON: I think I just heard the souls of a thousand nerds explode. 

TRUMP: That’s it? Got a game of PUBG to get back to. 

TILLERSON: All that’s left is the whole Kim Yo Jong situation. 

TRUMP: Too many calories. Will stick to General Tso’s chicken. That General Tso. Amazing guy. Brilliant military mind. Master chef. Chinese Renaissance man!

TILLERSON: No, sir. Kim Yo Jong is Kim Jong Un’s sister. She’s getting a lot of publicity at the Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea.

TRUMP: Which event is she in? Figure skating, right? Those Asians, great figure skaters. Probably from the lack of breasts making them spin faster. Cultural aerodynamics! 

TILLERSON: Ah. Well. First of all…wow…second, she’s not competing in the Olympics, per se, unless you consider publicity an Olympic competition. 

TRUMP: Of course it is. Trump. World record holder in publicity. Won so many golds my hair changed the same color as the medals. Natural victory hue! So good. Trumplympics best lympics, believe me. 

TILLERSON: Very good sir. Unfortunately, Vice President Pence is also there and the international media is just eating her up. She’s quite attractive, and she makes look Pence look awful and awkward by comparison when they stand next to each other. 

TRUMP: Of course she does.  Pence makes anyone look good by comparison. That’s why he’s VP. He’s my ugly doppelganger. An uglyganger. Like a living Before photo. Relative attractiveness!  

TILLERSON: Apparently the mainstream media agrees with you, Mr. President. CNN just said Kim Yo Jong is stealing the Olympics.

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. Ok. First of all the Communist News Network is in love with North Korea? Shocker. Two. She probably has some PR role in the government related to what she’s doing. What’s hers? 

TILLERSON: She’s the Director of the Propaganda and Agitation Department. That’s impressive sir! How did you-

IVANKA: Hey Dad. 

TRUMP: What’s up, Vonks?

IVANKA: Can I borrow Air Force One? 

TRUMP: Keys are under my book of Pence jokes. Volume 3. 

IVANKA: Thanks. I’m picking up some hats in Prague. 

TRUMP: Back before 10! 




TRUMP: What? 

TILLERSON: Oh, um, nothing. We just need some sort of diplomatic response to counter her good press.

TRUMP: Send the Ho. 

TILLERSON: I…don’t think that sending some trollops to-

TRUMP: UGGGHHH. You. Such an idiot. Practically Pencean. Ji Seong-Ho. The crutch guy from my State of the Union talk. Guy limped his away across China and Southeast Asia on a single crutch to freedom. Send him as a guest to the Olympics. Get him near the sister. Make her look bad by comparison. Show the liberal media how awful and hypocritical the North Koreans really are. Mirror of reality! 

TILLERSON: That’s…quite ingenious sir.  

TRUMP: Lib media needs to see that freedom can’t be contained by a single despotic family oppressing the rights of a single nation and all its people. 

DON JR: Hey pops!

TRUMP: You. Junior. What do you need?

DON JR: Me and the guys are throwing a party. Can I borrow Florida? 

TRUMP: Sure. Don’t break it, and clean it up when you’re done with it. 

DON JR: Florida? Come on Pops.

TRUMP: Good point. Orlando. Hopeless case. Try some bleach. 

DON JR: Thanks Pops!




TRUMP: What? 

TILLERSON: Got any more of that bleach? I need a drink. 

2/9/2018 – Bread and Circuses

PENCE: Mr. President, I have some terrible news!

TRUMP: You looked in a mirror?

PENCE: *Sigh* The government is shutting down again. 

TRUMP: Ungood. Can’t happen. This calls for decisive action. Expedient reply!

PENCE: Well I’m happy to hear you’re going to compromise somewhat on your DACA stance to-

TRUMP: Military parade. 


TRUMP: Boom. 


TRUMP: But not real boom. Parade boom. Marching drums!  

PENCE: I…don’t underst-

TRUMP: Bread and Circuses. 

PENCE: Is this some sort of new investment sir? Or am I-

TRUMP: UGGGHHHHHH. You. Need to reread your history of the Roman Empire. 

PENCE: Ah. This is one of your broken clock being right twice a day moments where you’re uncharacteristically brilliant. 

TRUMP: During the Late Empire period around the Third Century Crisis, the Flavian Amphitheatre – or as you know it in your barbaric Visigoth foolspeak, “the Colosseum” – was increasingly used as a distraction and military PR device to move attention away from the failing Roman Imperium.  The worse the decline, the more spectacular the events. We need that here. Military parade!

PENCE: Or…we could, you know, actually fix the-

TRUMP: Start with troops. Marching in formation. Regular marching though. None of that high kicking tae kwon do Nazi goose stepping. Too close to despotism. Can’t have!

PENCE: Aaand we’re back. 

TRUMP: Then the tanks. The big ones. The ones that help you digest when they rumble by. Gastrointestinal support!

PENCE: Just…going to stop talking now. 

TRUMP: Then the missiles. Big massive, erect ones. Impressive. Manly. Inferior to the ol’ Trumpedo of course, but still can destroy things for freedom. Collateral damage!

PENCE: Perhaps a much cheaper alternative, like talking about the Olympics or-

TRUMP: Jets flying in formation overhead. Multi-leveled marketing!


TRUMP: But actual jets. Not loser football Jets. Rebuilding year! 

PENCE: We are not the Roman Empire!

TRUMP: Really? We’re not a collapsing republic that worships gladiator combat while the middle class migrates to patrician and plebeian class structures that lead to uncompromising lack of political compromise between two political classes, the aristocratic Optimates and commoner Populares, thus paving the way for an authoritarian despot who favors increasing use of the military in foreign wars?



PENCE: Wow. 

TRUMP: Watched American Gladiators last night. 80s show. That Nitro. Could probably be a real gladiator. Fighting Gauls on steroids!

PENCE: I’m just kind of shocked you actually acknowledged that you are an authoritarian de-

TRUMP: Talking about Clinton. Almost got elected. Would have led to barbarian invasion. Talking about Mexicans. Crisis averted! 

PENCE: So to bring us back to…whatever this is…I guess instead of circumventing the government shutdown you want me to plan a-IS THAT A DOLLAR???

TRUMP:  What? Where?

PENCE: Sorry sir, just a picture of President Washington. I got confused.

TRUMP: You. So easily distracted. Disgraceful. 

PENCE: Won’t happen again sir. 

TRUMP: What were we talking about?

PENCE: …how much you hate my hair. 

TRUMP: Good reason. Like a bleached loser. Devoid of pigment. It’s like your testosterone escaped through your scalp. Frosty loser!

PENCE: *Sigh*…crisis averted.