6/20/2018 – Ball

POMPEO: I’m not certain we need to worry about these particular details so early in the process, sir. 

TRUMP: You. Not a planner. That’s why your city is gone. Covered in lava!

POMPEO: Again, Mr. President, neither I nor my immediate family are from the ancient Roman city of Pompeii. My last name merely sounds-

TRUMP: Space Force needs lightsabers. Tell NASA to get moving on that. Force is strong!

POMPEO: Sir, I must insist that it’s not possible to-

PENCE: We’ll get right on that, Mr. President!

TRUMP: This guy. Pence. Mostly useless but knows how to get the ball rolling. Pale go-getter!  

POMPEO: Why would you enable him like that? 

PENCE: Trust me, when his ball is rolling it’s best to get out of the way. 

TRUMP: What’s the next enormous problem I’m solving in five minutes today? 

POMPEO: Well, there is the whole illegal immigrant children thing. 

PENCE: Basically any illegal border crossers-

TRUMP: Filthy criminals. 

POMPEO: Well many of the illegal immigrant families are simply seeking-

PENCE: Yes sir, the filthiest. 

POMPEO: JESUS, Mike, how could you-

PENCE: Ball. 

POMPEO: *Sigh* Fine. 

TRUMP: So what’s the dillyo? That’s what the black kids say right? 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Sure. 

TRUMP: You. Half albino man. Speak. 

PENCE: Well sir, long story short, the media are having a field day about your decision to simply enforce the policy of sending border crossers back to Mexico. However, an unfortunate side effect is immigrant kids are being separated from their parents. 

TRUMP: O’Bomb’s program. Been going on for years. Kids in cages. So awful. 

POMPEO: But sir, even though former President Obama is no longer here, the kids are still being separated from their parents and being detained in holding facilities with chain link fences. And these facilities, sir…well…quite frankly, they look like cages. 

TRUMP: Totally true. One big difference. 

POMPEO: What’s that? 

TRUMP: Trump cages best cages. So good. Just the best. Classy incarceration!

PENCE: 

POMPEO: 

TRUMP:

PENCE: 

POMPEO: 

TRUMP: Walls. So much better. Cage fences. Acceptable temporary substitute!

PENCE: So, Mr. President, the immigrants-

TRUMP: Law breaking filthy refugees.

PENCE: Law breaking filthy refugees, sure, are coming here breaking the inherent border laws of the country. And then these individuals are being separated from their children. 

POMPEO: Even though quite often these adults and children are unrelated. 

TRUMP: Sounds awful. Terrible O’Bombs policy. Heartless. Just the worst. 

POMPEO: Mr. President, technically that is true, but even though you inherited this awful policy the media is unfairly focusing on this existing policy to smear your name. 

TRUMP: So unsmearable. People love me.  

PENCE:

POMPEO: 

TRUMP: I can make you disappear in 12 hours. 

POMPEO: Got it. Well, regardless, by allowing the program to continue, this is being misinterpreted as your policy now. 

TRUMP: No more separations. Ending policy. Done. Boom. 

POMPEO: Wow. That was…easy. 

PENCE: Just wait for it. 

POMPEO: Wait for what? I don’t understand. The president just reversed a policy that keeps illegal immigrant families separated. It shows he’s a compassionate-

TRUMP: Can’t have Trump name smeared over a bunch of Mexicans. Trump name spotless. So good. Trump name best name believe me. 

PENCE: That. Wait for that.  

POMPEO: Just when I thought there was a spark of altruism there-

PENCE: It was stomped on by the sledgehammer of ego. Get used to it. 

TRUMP: You Pompeii guy. Find out if any of those Mexicans are interested in joining the Space Force. Can help defend planet against Klingons. Also keeps them in space and out of the country. Boom. Double-edged bird!

POMPEO: I don’t think that figure of speech is-

PENCE: Ball, Mike. Ball. 

POMPEO: …yes sir. Double-edged…bird. 

TRUMP: Up next. Cancer. I can skip lunch. Quick fix! 

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6/18/2018 – Optics

TRUMP: Don’t understand why press don’t get it. Have to enforce catch and release. 

PENCE: I’m just saying sir it doesn’t look good. 

POMPEO: The optics here are just not with us when it comes to separating children from their families, even if they’re entering the country illegally.

TRUMP: Listen to you. Like a modern day Ibn al-Haytham. 

PENCE:

POMPEO: 

TRUMP: The father of modern day Optics? Am I the only one that reads here? 

PENCE: Hate when has random knowledge like that. 

POMPEO: I don’t think you understand what the long term public perception damage Catch and Release is doing to your administration, sir.  

TRUMP: No. You. The one not understanding. Ok. Pull up your brains and sit down. Catch. Release. It’s like this. Guy has a ball. 

PENCE: A ball?

POMPEO: I don’t-

TRUMP: Big ball. Heavy. Round. Has holes in it like Bernie’s tax plan. You throw it. Bunch of pins. Ten of them. Have to avoid alley. 

PENCE: That…doesn’t sound like-

POMPEO: Bowling. That’s bowling sir. 

PENCE: 

POMPEO: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO: The shoes are nice though.  

TRUMP:  Shoes. So good. Just the best. 

PENCE: Nice save. 

TRUMP: Never liked playing Catch and Release anyway. Giant black object avoiding gutters and trying to hit a bunch of perfectly decent white objects minding their own business. It’s-

POMPEO: Whoa!

PENCE: Hey Mr. President! How about that Space Force!

TRUMP: Space Force. Just the best. Like military but spacesuits and lasers. So good. Just the best. Need to create right now!

POMPEO: Nice save for YOU Michael!

PENCE: Thanks. I only pull it out when he’s going down a dangerous path. 

POMPEO: So why IS the president interested in a Space Force? 

PENCE: I told him Martian chicks are hot. 

TRUMP: Note to self. Build Space Force. Send exploration team to Mars. Pick up hot young Martian girls, keep out rest of Martian family. Catch and Release!

6/13/2018 – Natural Bringer Togetherer

POMPEO: Ok, sir. So when you shake Kim Jong Un’s hand, make contact, provide a light shake, count to 9, and then release. This way you can demonstrate to the photographers your long term commitment to peace with a prolonged physical gesture, but don’t shake too long otherwise public opinion will sway towards your need to have complete control and dominance over all others. A concluding shoulder pat is optional. 

TRUMP: Ugggh. You. So worried. Almost Pencian in your concern. Didn’t you see how I handled those folks at the G7 summit? 

POMPEO: I did. That’s why I’m talking to you about this. 

TRUMP: Trump diplomacy best diplomacy, believe me. Natural bringer togetherer! 

POMPEO: He’s here sir. Now remember the photographers are already clicking so make sure 9 seconds. 

TRUMP: Out of the way. You. Kim. Crazy haired maniac. So good. Almost the best. Trump best is best best, believe me. High five. 

POMPEO: Looks like I’m working overtime. 

KIM: You. Trump. Crazy haired maniac.  So good. Almost the best. Kim best is best best, believe me. High five. 

POMPEO: I should have expected this. 

TRUMP: First things first. You. Lots of respect for being totally in control. Can fire anyone you want. Any time. Can respect!

KIM: You. Trump. Mad props for complete domination. Can shoot or send anyone you want to labor camp. So good. Just the best believe me. Natural leader!

TRUMP: You. Need to chart new path. Can’t have communist China tell you what to do. Be independent!

KIM: Putin called. Says he has new things he wants you to do! Must obey!

POMPEO: Well this is getting slightly apocalyptic. 

TRUMP: Ha! Sick burn!

KIM: Let’s do the Yo Mama jokes next!

POMPEO: I see literally no way how this can lead to a safer planet. 

TRUMP: You. Kim. No more nukes. 

KIM: Sure. No biggie. Will provide full denuclearization. As long as you stop playing army with the Southies.

TRUMP: Can do. Can do. 

POMPEO: Wha? How…how the hell is this working? There is no logical explanation for-

TRUMP: Hey where’s our interpreter? 

RODMAN: ‘sup yo. 

TRUMP/KIM: DENNY!!!!

RODMAN: Who’s the man, baby? 

TRUMP: I am. So good. 

KIM: Me too. So manly. 

RODMAN: Three manly dudes. Just the best. 

TRUMP: Just the best. So good. 

KIM: So good. Believe me. 

POMPEO: Strangely this may be the least shocking explanation. 

RODMAN: Who’s up for ice cream and insane hair care secrets? 

TRUMP: All in. Rocky road. 

KIM: Let’s do this. Almond nut. 

POMPEO: …whelp, if crazy is the only thing that’s going to work, then sign me up for a head injury, I guess. 

6/8/2018 – Melania Returns

PENCE: We’ve expanded out the search parties everywhere sir but unfortunately we still haven’t been able to-

MELANIA: Hello Donald. 

PENCE: Like I said we believe she may be in the Oval Office. 

TRUMP: Ugggh. You. Captain Vanilla Failure. Out. 

PENCE: Outing now sir. 

TRUMP: Mel. Where the hell have you been? 

MELANIA: Vere have I been? Donald. Vere have yoo been? Eeets been over one month seence yoo’ve last-

TRUMP: Mel. Fourth wall. Don’t break. Trump builds walls, doesn’t tear them down. Construction only!

MELANIA: Vell eef yoo must no, I’ve been een that reedeekyulus seenkhole on the lawn. Vie ees eet steel there? 

TRUMP: Not a sinkhole. Golf hole. The Trump putter not working the way it used to.

MELANIA: And heere comes…

TRUMP: Not that Trump putter. That one. Attached to me. So good. Just the best, believe me. Hole in one!

MELANIA: The necessary peenis reemark. Preedeectable.

TRUMP: Also, need an escape tunnel. 

MELANIA: Now eet ees the eenteresteeng. Vie eskape tunnel, Donald? 

TRUMP: Donny. Out making public appearances. Speeches. Pinning medals on cripples. Patting mediocre kids on head telling them they’re amazing even when they’re not. But not me. 

MELANIA: No? Than who ees-

TRUMP: Blump. Black Trump. You know him as Don King but works as body double. Put him in white face, almost like the real thing. Black doppleganger! 

MELANIA: So vat hyave yoo been doing vith yoorself, Donald? 

TRUMP: Preparing for Kim Jong Un meeting. Stakes. Lots. Not great steaks like Trump steaks, but unclassy potentially nuclear war stakes. Medium rare disaster! Can’t leave Oval office until I’ve figured out negotiation strategy. Need to figure out how to talk to insane egotistical dictator with questionable hare. Hirstute maniac!

MELANIA: Yoo may need to konsoolt vees the Pence on that. 

TRUMP: Trump regrets not being around. 

MELANIA: Vell there vas that von time vere vee made love last veek. Yoo vere amazing.

TRUMP: Didn’t see you last week. 

MELANIA: 

TRUMP:

MELANIA:

TRUMP: Goddamn Blump. Need to have him killed. 

MELANIA: That…might be unvise, Donald. You are scoreeng beeg vith the Afreecan American communeetee.

TRUMP: You. Not trying to save Blump for a future date are you? 

MELANIA: Eeef I say yes veeel you admeet to the Stormee?

TRUMP: 

MELANIA:

TRUMP: You. Tough negotiator. Knew there’s a reason I married you. Besides being totally hot. Hard bargain driver. 

MELANIA: Perhaps I shoold do the negotiate veeth the Keem Jong. 

TRUMP: Tempted, but you’d blow his mind. North Korea would consider it an assassination attempt. Diplomatic sexiness! 

5/14/2018 – The Most Scapes

PENCE: Mr. President, congratulations again on moving the embassy to Jerusalem. 

TRUMP: Big day today. So great. World peace in Israel. Mission accomplished!

PENCE: I…wouldn’t use that exact terminology if I were-

TRUMP: Opening ceremony should be starting now. Turn on the news. 

PENCE: Which station?

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Just kidding sir. Turning on FOX news now. 

TRUMP: This guy. Comedian. Should put together 20 minutes on your hair. 

PENCE: I’ll…start writing some jokes sir. 

TRUMP: Do that after the ceremony. So once FOX finishes covering these brown people getting shot they should go over to the embassy story. Momentous occasion!

PENCE: I…think that IS the embassy story sir.

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: That’s a lot of bodies. 

PENCE: Yup.

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Is that supposed to be on fire?  

PENCE: I’m going to go ahead and say no.

TRUMP: As long as they don’t show the…

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: …crying baby. 

TRUMP: So unfair. Huge tragedy. 

PENCE: I agree sir. It can be a cruel world when a child-

TRUMP: So unfair they’re going to blame me for this. Total scapegoat. But a classy scapegoat. Just the best scapegoat, believe me. The most scapes! 

PENCE: Well I’m certain sir that you won’t be held…uh…responsible…responsible for…

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: You can’t even finish that sentence can you? 

PENCE: Sorry sir. You’re pretty much a hate magnet for everything at this point. 

TRUMP: Not a problem. Just going to blame crooked Hillary. Works for everything. PR panacea!

PENCE: Surely you can’t blame her for all of the world’s ills, sir. 

TRUMP: You. Kidding. Give me five minutes, can blame her for falling toast landing on the jelly side.  Then blame O’Bombs for making you pay twice for the toast. Drain the swamp!

PENCE: You are a piece of work sir. 

TRUMP: Piece of work making works of peace. 

PENCE: That was…kind of poetic sir!

TRUMP: Throw enough brown people at bullets and I’ll have people singing kumbaya in the streets. 

PENCE: And back to reality. 

5/10/2018 – Dry Cleaning

PENCE: Mr. President, the American hostages you freed from North Korea are here.

TRUMP: So good. Hostages freed. Media has no excuse now. Will totally love me now. Nothing to hate!

PENCE: …sure. Anyway, Secretary of State Pompeo is bringing them in. 

POMPEO: Mr. President, may I present to you former hostages Tony Kim, Kim Hak-Song, and Kim Dong-Chul.

TRUMP: Good to meet you all. So good. Just the best. But don’t need suits dry cleaned. Have White House staff. Pressed and dried!

PENCE: Oh Dear Lord. Sir, these are not your dry cleaners. 

POMPEO: These are the hostages, Mr. President. 

KIM: An honor, Mr. President.

HAK-SONG: Thank you so much, sir!

DONG-CHUL: What’s going on?

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP: You. Pompeo. Over here. Other you. White guy. Forgot your name. 

PENCE: Mike Pence. I’ve been your Vice President for-

TRUMP: Not important. More important. Who are these guys? 

POMPEO: As I said, they’re the hostages, sir. 

PENCE: The ones you convinced Kim Jong-Un to release. 

TRUMP: Can’t be. Look at them. Must be decoys. 

POMPEO: I…don’t understand.

PENCE: How can they be decoys? 

TRUMP: Look at them. They’re not-

PENCE: *Sigh* Let me guess: not white? 

TRUMP: Well compared to you everything is not white. Anti-melanin!

POMPEO: Mr. President, just because they’re not Caucasian doesn’t mean they’re not real Americans. 

TRUMP: Listen to you. Now which one of us makes no sense? 

POMPEO: Well I thi-

TRUMP: I can make this hostage release a hostage trade. 

POMPEO: Shutting up, sir. 

KIM: Pardon me, but is everything ok? 

HAK-SONG: Are we in trouble? 

TRUMP: Not yet. 

DONG-CHUL: No really what’s going on here? Are we on an episode of The Apprentice? Why is Donald Trump meeting us? Is this some sort of photo op before we meet the President? 

PENCE: He’s the President. 

TRUMP: Greatest President. 

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP: So good. Just the best, believe me. 

DONG-CHUL: Oh come on. I know I’ve been imprisoned since 2015 but I’m not THAT out of it. They would never let this nutjob lead America!

TRUMP: Boom. Exhibit A. Not Americans. Only real Americans love Trump. True patriotism!

POMPEO: Mr. President! These are American citizens!

PENCE: They’re as American as you and I, I assure you!

KIM: Actually I’m from South Korea.

HAK-SONG: I’m Chinese. Came to America in the 90s.

DONG-CHUL: I lived in a Chinese city near the border of North Korea. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: Send them back. 

POMPEO: We…can’t do that sir. 

PENCE: We really shouldn’t start breaking deals.

TRUMP: You. Must be new here. These two thumbs. Pointing to this guy. The guy who broke Iran deal. Iran. No Nukes! Korea. No Goo-

PENCE: DON’T SAY IT.

TRUMP: What? No Goons. Can’t send us decoys. Makes us look bad. Like total goons. Worse than Pence!

POMPEO: What if we…kept them here as…American hostages?

PENCE: Yes. YES. That’ll show Korea, Mr. President. How much of a…gracious President you are! 

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  Trump. So gracious. Just the best. Acceptable hostages. 

DONG-CHUL: Are you sure he’s the President? 

PENCE: I literally have no idea. 

5/2/2018 – Vibranium

PENCE: Mr. President, the President of Nigeria Muhammadu Buhari is here. 

TRUMP: You’re kidding. 

PENCE: I’m not sir. He’s just outside the-

TRUMP: Not that. Nigeria. They actually named a country after-

PENCE: YES sir. The country is named after the Niger river. 

TRUMP: You. Totally avoiding awkward conversation. So sad. 

PENCE: Shall I send in President Buhari? Just a quick reminder, he speaks English fluently so there’s no need to-

TRUMP: Ugghh. You. So ignorant. Already speak Nigerish. All dialects!

PENCE: Whelp, this isn’t going to end well no matter what I do, so I’ll just dive behind the sofa when the diplomatic grenade explodes. 

TRUMP: I stopped the Korean War. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Trump diplomacy best diplomacy. 

PENCE: Here he is, sir. 

BUHARI: Good afternoon Mr. President! Allow me to say it is a tremendous honor to meet-

TRUMP: NI! HAO! PRESIDENT! MOGADISHU! BUKKAKE!

PENCE: Well that has to be a new record. 

BUHARI: Ah. I see. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe told me of your renowned silver tongue. I expect this will be quite the experience. 

TRUMP: NIGERIA! SUCH! A! GREAT! COUNTRY! NOT! LIKE! THOSE! SHITHOLE! COUNTRIES! IN! AFRICA!

BUHARI: Yes, we are proud of our economic growth and dedication to education. But perhaps-

TRUMP: OK! SMALL! TALK! DONE! NOW! COMES! HARDBALL! DEALING! WE! GIVE! YOU! GUNS! AND! AMERICAN! CULTURE! YOU! GIVE! US! VIBRANIUM!

BUHARI: I’m afraid I don’t understand your request for-

TRUMP: NEED! VIBRANIUM! TO! MAKE! SUPER! SUIT! TRUMP! SUIT! SO! GOOD! THE! BEST! BELIEVE! ME! BUT! TRUMP! VIBRANIUM! SUIT! ULTIMATE! WEAPON! SO! CLASSY!

PENCE: Mr. President, I…think President Buhari may need some clarification on-

BUHARI: Ah. I believe I understand. I apologize for the misunderstanding, President Trump, but unfortunately, I am the president of Nigeria, not Wakanda. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

BUHARI: Wakanda, you see, is a fictional place. It does not actually exist. Nigeria is an actual country where I lead the All Progressives Congress party. Our primary export is crude oil, not vibranium which, like Wakanda, also does not exist.  

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

BUHARI: Our country lies on the Coast of Guinea. 

TRUMP: DON’T! CARE! HOW! CLOSE! YOU! ARE! TO! ITALY! 

BUHARI: I also regret to tell you that I don’t possess a magical panther suit. 

TRUMP: OK! ONE! MOMENT! PRESIDENT! MAHJONG! You. Pence. Quick question. Why am I speaking to President Jumanji here-

BUHARI: -I can understand every word you are saying-

TRUMP: -when this guy can’t even get me some vibranium? I don’t even think he’s really from Wakanda. Look, no plates in the lips. He’s not even doing that clicking thing when he talks. Total fraud!

BUHARI: On that note, I believe I will take my leave. I would like to say it has been a pleasure to meet you, but I am sworn to my personal honesty. 

TRUMP: WAIT! BEFORE! YOU! GO! LET! US! HELP! YOU! FIGHT! THANOS! CAN! MOCK! TWEET! HIM! INTO! GIVING! YOU! INFINITY! STONES! TRUMP! DIPLOMACY! BEST! DIPLOMACY! 

PENCE: Thank you for your time, President Buhari. I will send you our standard Diplomatic Apology Package. 

TRUMP: Send them the cheap stuff. Trinkets, old T-shirts, cigarettes. Like gold to shithole country. Art of the deal!

PENCE: Again, I apologize, Mr. President. 

BUHARI: Don’t be troubled, Michael. In fact, I believe I will be able to send your President some vibranium. 

PENCE: It’s not going to be an elephant turd in a box is it?

BUHARI: No. 

PENCE:

BUHARI:

 PENCE:

BUHARI: Yes.