3/2/2017 – A Charlie Sheener

PENCE: Sir, you really have to do something about Attorney General Sessions. The fact that he talked to Russia behind our backs and didn’t tell anyone during his confirmation hearings is not looking good! 

TRUMP: Didn’t pick Sessions because he looks good. Picked him because he looks like Ross Perot a chicken and an elf had a crazy weekend. A Charlie Sheener. Makes me look even better by comparison. Relativity!

PENCE: Well, regardless of…that…sir, it hurts your credibility. 

TRUMP: Uggghh. FINE. Bring him in. 

SESSIONS: Mr. President let me be the first to say that-

TRUMP: Not you first to say. Me first to say. President. Therefore, I talk first. Priorities!

SESSIONS: By all means then, sir. 

TRUMP: You. Russia. Talking. Not good. Can’t speak to them. Definitely can’t speak to them and not let anyone know about it. You need full disclosure and…hold on. Have to take this. You. Phone. Speak. 

PUTIN: Hyello.

TRUMP: Poots! ‘sup? 

PUTIN: I vanted to call and thyank you for Oscar svitcheroo. Ees good drama. Plus I had manee of your Amerikan dollars on the Moonlight. The gay and black I do not like, but ees good feelm for seeing your Miami.

TRUMP: No probs. La La Land. Overrated. Catchy flick but too pleased with itself. Humility!

PUTIN: Da, but Emma Stone voold make good deeplomat to Moskow. Attractive and slightlee crazee. Please to consider. 

TRUMP: Done. League of Legends tonight?

PUTIN: Da. Be there or be Red Square. Proschay.

TRUMP: That was Putin on my phone. My personal phone. 

SESSIONS:

TRUMP: Got him on my Presidential hotline, too. He’s Button 1. 

SESSIONS: 

TRUMP: Vince McMahon. Button 2. 

SESSIONS: 

TRUMP: Melania. Button 3. Just in case I need a Charlie Sheener. 

SESSIONS: 

TRUMP: Need any steroids? I can Push 2. Dianabol! 

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