3/7/2017 – One of Those People

PENCE: Sir, Ben Carson is embarrassing you. 

TRUMP: Is he saying I’m Mike Pence? 

PENCE: Ah. Insults. No sir. He’s said some controversial things about slavery. 


TRUMP: Fine. Carson. One of those people. Gets a free pass. 

PENCE: “Those” people, sir? 


TRUMP: Doctors. Smart. Not Trump smart but still book smart. Know things. 

PENCE: He said that slaves were immigrants who came to America, a land of dreams and opportunity.


TRUMP: Not wrong. Slaves. Migrated here. Had to be forced but still. Therefore immigrants.

PENCE: But a land of dr-

TRUMP: Dreams and opportunity. America. A place. A place with people. They dream and have opportunities. They immigrated here. Therefore right. Logic!


PENCE: Well…ok…but he also told his staff he can zap their brains to make them remember things from decades ago. 

TRUMP: Gotta talk to him. Bring him in.

CARSON: I’m already here, sir. 

TRUMP: Gah! Stop it! An invisible cloak of dull. 

CARSON: How can I help you Mr. President? 

TRUMP: You. Words. Odd. Need an explanation. 

CARSON: Which one, the slave immigrant thing or the brain zapping thing? 

TRUMP: The brain. Slave immigrants. On board. Slavigrants. Can accept. Makes sense. Just not from Mexico. Unless they’re the good ones. Wall! 





CARSON: Over here sir. 

TRUMP: Gah! OK. You. Brain words. Explain. 

CARSON: All I said sir was that the brain is incapable of forgetting any information it processes. It has total recall and is impossible to overload with information. And if I could drill a hole in your brain and zap the hippocampus you could recall a book you read from 60 years ago.

TRUMP: Ok. Makes sense. Two things. 


TRUMP: Hippocampus. What is that, like a sorority for fat girls? Can’t have. Need to be skinny. And blonde. And not from Mexico. Unless attractive. Exceptions!

PENCE: Agreed sir!

TRUMP: Shut up Pence. Great. Now I lost him. 

CARSON: On your right. 

TRUMP: Yow! Also. The brain zapping thing. Are you an alien? 

CARSON: Excuse me sir? 

TRUMP: You. Black. But talk like a white guy. Can respect. Genius neurosurgeon. Separate conjoined twins for breakfast. Says homosexuality is a choice. Director of Pediatric Surgery at 33 at John Hopkins. Thinks Joseph built the Pyramids. Developed new neurosurgery procedures and won the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Thinks Evolution is not real. Can zap brains. Only answer alien. 

PENCE: That’s crazy I mean a bit…unorthodox sir. 

TRUMP: Quiet Pence. Carson. You. Alien? 





TRUMP: Ok. Cool with it. As long as not the Mexico kind. Can’t admit. Unless you’re attractive. Which you’re not. Ungay!

CARSON: I can zap your brain and make you think you are. 

TRUMP: Wouldn’t help. Liberals would still hate me. 





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