BANNON: Good afternoon, Mr. President, the jobs report is out and-
TRUMP: Uggghhh. FINE. Let’s hear this. Jobs report. Dumbest report there is. Can improve jobs just by making people write reports. Circular logic!
BANNON: …there was an increase of 235,000 jobs in your first full month.
TRUMP: Jobs report. Important piece of information. Crucial to economy. Bestseller!
BANNON: According to the report sir you’ve not only created new jobs, but entirely novel career branches.
TRUMP: You. Troll man. Elaborate.
BANNON: Well, we have the professional protester. That was a huge chunk right there.
TRUMP: Bigly. Soros pays, I play.
BANNON: We have wall-builders, then the wall breachers. We have those pussy hat makers, that’s a big chunk right there.
TRUMP: Ugh. Pussy hats. Look like gay Vikings. Thor wouldn’t approve! More like She-oljnir, right?
TRUMP: You. No fun. Continue.
BANNON: Sycophants, another growing career market, thank you Mr. President for that. Stand up comedians, that’s a bull market there, bloggers, red hat makers, looking good….oh, there’s a section in here on hair maintenance and skin bronzing that I think you might-
TRUMP: Move along.
BANNON: Yes. Well, um, overall good news but there’s a couple of challenges we may need to address.
TRUMP: You. Calling failures “challenges”. Good job sycophanting. Pence-like!
BANNON: Thank you sir. Well, the first one is that science and education jobs may take a hit.
TRUMP: Don’t need. We have all the science.
BANNON: And the female escort market is being increasingly outsourced.
TRUMP: Understandable. Eastern European women. Totally hot. Solid 9. Would marry. Did!
BANNON: Other than that, we just need to address the critique that this is really President Obama’s workforce success and you just kind of, you know, swooped in there at the last minute and took the credit.
TRUMP: Exactly. Totally did.
BANNON: You…did? I don’t underst-
TRUMP: Think. I make buildings. But don’t. Other people design, plan, build. I stick my name on the front, call it the TRUMP building. Accolades!
BANNON: And yet you don’t feel that might be just a little bit disingenuous?
TRUMP: I see the sycophant market might be taking a hit.
BANNON: Great job sir!
TRUMP: Nice save. Definitely one of my people. Should put my name on your forehead. Biglify!