3/13/2017 – Procedural Replacement

SPICER:  Wow, sir, you are getting a lot of bad press about that whole firing of Preet Bharara and the other US Attorneys.

TRUMP: Can’t have a guy working for me who’s last name sounds like he got punched in the jaw while trying to sing Christmas carols. 

SPICER: …ah. Well, we need to come up with a plan to-

TRUMP: Done. Reword firing. Not a firing. Except that they were fired by me. The guy who fired them. 

SPICER: So what would you call a firing other than a-

TRUMP: Procedural replacement. Boom. Done. You. Get to the podium. Fix flag on lapel. Upside down again. 

SPICER: That’s amazing sir! Procedural replacement is perfect! Where did you come up with-

TRUMP: Didn’t. The press did. That’s what they called it when O’Bombs did the same thing I did. Use their own words against them. Boom. Trumpjudo!

SPICER: So if we-

TRUMP: Fix your flag pin. Upside down again. 

SPICER: So if we just regurgitate the kinder words the press used for President Obama, we should be able to give a positive spin and critique the press at the same time. Brilliant!

TRUMP: Give it a try. Obama word association. Go. 

SPICER: Scandal.

TRUMP: Unorthodox management.

SPICER: Incompetence.

TRUMP: Academic aloofness.

SPICER: Failure.

TRUMP: Long-term visionary plagued by myopic critics. 

SPICER: This is awesome! Deficit!

TRUMP: Proactive spending.

SPICER: Weak military!

TRUMP: Streamlined action-oriented strike forces.

SPICER: Evil orange troll man who won’t free me from this robotic prison!




SPICER: Sorry sir, that’s the…press talking. Not me. 

TRUMP: Your flag pin is upside down again. Supposed to be a cry help. Is it?






TRUMP: No worries. Not a cry for help. A request for evolved safety status. Euphemisms! 

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