4/4/2017 – With a B

BANNON: Mr. President, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke is here.

TRUMP: Tremendous. Let him come in. But if he’s Interior Secretary he should already be in here.

BANNON: I’ll…go get him and then…think about that.

TRUMP: Zinke. You. What brings you here? Which is inside, so familiar to you I’m betting. 

ZINKE: Mr. President. It is my understanding that you have some news for me. 

TRUMP: Better. I have good news. About your budget.

ZINKE: Excellent sir! I can’t wait to hear-

TRUMP: I’m donating my last 3 months of salary to your department!


TRUMP: Boom. Spend it wisely. Better yet, invest. Recommend gold ceilings. Classy!

ZINKE: Um, Mr. President.

TRUMP: You’re welcome. 

ZINKE: Your salary for the last 3 months is a little over 75 thousand dollars, but you’ve cut about $1.6 billion from my department. That’s billion with a B.

TRUMP: Ugggghhh. Don’t be one of those “with a B” people. Heard you the first time. No one says “million with an M” or “trillion with a T”. No need for alphabet. The worst!

ZINKE: Be that as it may, sir, while I appreciate the…relatively…generous offer, it’s going to have no impact on my department’s operations. 

TRUMP: Ok. Quick question. What does the Department of the Interior do? 

ZINKE: HA! Yes, we hear that one a lot, sir. It’s an old joke but….wait you’re serious. 

TRUMP: Always serious. Only jokes in here about Pence’s hair. The worst. Like a derelict ski slope. Tundra of failure!

ZINKE: Oh God, you ARE serious.

TRUMP: No need to call me that but appreciate the sentiment. So. You. Interior. Describe. Are you in charge of walls or the roof? Where do you stand on hallways? Elaborate!

ZINKE: Wha- NO! The Department of the Interior is responsible for the management and conservation of federal lands and territories and the natural resources contained therein. We also manage programs that benefit Native Americans, and indigenous populations in Alaska and Hawaii. We have nothing to do with “the inside” as you see it. 

TRUMP: So you’re a Department of the Exterior it sounds like. 

ZINKE: In a sense, um, yes? 

TRUMP: So if you’re the Department of the Exterior you don’t need the Department of the Interior’s money. Boom. Good day. You can let yourself out. Or somewhere else that’s “in” Mr. Interior.

ZINKE: I….I don’t-

TRUMP: I believe I Boomed. Good Day.

BANNON: Sir, I don’t know.

TRUMP: Don’t know what?

BANNON: If that was the wisest decision?

TRUMP: Totally wise. Just saved 1.6 billion. With a B. 

BANNON: But you just-

TRUMP: Don’t be one of those people, Bannon.


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