4/5/2017 – Many Very Bad Things

BANNON: Mr. President, we have to talk about Syria.

TRUMP: Did they say anything about me? WHERE’S MY TWITTERPHONE? 

BANNON: No, not exactly, sir. The Syrian military launched a chemical weapons attack in the Northern part of their country. Dozens have been killed, women and children too. 

TRUMP: Any hot ones?


TRUMP: Women, not children. Trump’s not crossing that bridge.

BANNON: …prrrrobably?

TRUMP: Ungood then. We need to take swift action. Where’s my crisis response checklist?

BANNON: *Sigh* right here sir.

TRUMP: OK. Step 1. Be Trump. That solves most problems.

BANNON: Of course.

TRUMP: Step 2. Blame O’Bombs. It’s probably his fault somehow. Six degrees!

BANNON: Naturally.

TRUMP: Step 3: Blame Clinton. Usually Hillary but can go back to Bill too. Link to Benghazi. Conspiracy!

BANNON: Always a wise move.

TRUMP: Step 4: Tweet. Boom.

BANNON: So, about that last one sir…

TRUMP: You’re right. Might need 2 tweets. Or 3.

BANNON: …you naturally remember a few years ago when President O’Bama-

TRUMP: No. Just O’Bombs. Not president anymore.

BANNON: -when…O’Bombs…was on the fence about military action in Syria, you tweeted and I quote “DO NOT ATTACK SYRIA — IF YOU DO MANY VERY BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.” All in caps.

TRUMP: Remember. Good tweet. Accurate grammar. Even used a dash. Flashy!

BANNON: So I guess the thing I’m struggling with here is this: you sent that tweet back then, but if you don’t approve of military options, you will look weak and hypocritical to the public. How can we-

TRUMP: Simple. It’s me.

BANNON: I don’t-

TRUMP: If O’Bombs launches military strikes and stops Syria atrocities, I don’t get any of the credit. That’s a bad thing. Very many bad things.

BANNON: Ok, then, so thinking about the current strike-

TRUMP: Easy. Launch a Trumpimatum. Like an ultimatum but with no repercussions. Powerful!

BANNON: Didn’t…you do that with the Affordable Healthcare Act?

TRUMP: Exactly. Total success!

BANNON: But the GOP option didn’t pass.

TRUMP: And then blamed Ryan for failure. Will do the same thing here. If we don’t attack, it’s Russia’s fault. Boom. 

BANNON: You do realize that women and children are dying over there too, right? 

TRUMP: New plan. Talk to the Joint Chiefs about rescuing the hot ones. Sanctuary for all 8s and up. Values!

BANNON: And the…less attractive ones?

TRUMP: O’Bombs fault. Should have acted sooner. Weak!

BANNON: Will do. If you don’t mind, I’m going to go check and see how much my soul has shrunk in the last few minutes. 

TRUMP: You still have one of those? Need to get rid of it. Slows things down. Efficiency!

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