BANNON: Mr. President, we have to talk about Syria.
TRUMP: Did they say anything about me? WHERE’S MY TWITTERPHONE?
BANNON: No, not exactly, sir. The Syrian military launched a chemical weapons attack in the Northern part of their country. Dozens have been killed, women and children too.
TRUMP: Any hot ones?
TRUMP: Women, not children. Trump’s not crossing that bridge.
TRUMP: Ungood then. We need to take swift action. Where’s my crisis response checklist?
BANNON: *Sigh* right here sir.
TRUMP: OK. Step 1. Be Trump. That solves most problems.
BANNON: Of course.
TRUMP: Step 2. Blame O’Bombs. It’s probably his fault somehow. Six degrees!
TRUMP: Step 3: Blame Clinton. Usually Hillary but can go back to Bill too. Link to Benghazi. Conspiracy!
BANNON: Always a wise move.
TRUMP: Step 4: Tweet. Boom.
BANNON: So, about that last one sir…
TRUMP: You’re right. Might need 2 tweets. Or 3.
BANNON: …you naturally remember a few years ago when President O’Bama-
TRUMP: No. Just O’Bombs. Not president anymore.
BANNON: -when…O’Bombs…was on the fence about military action in Syria, you tweeted and I quote “DO NOT ATTACK SYRIA — IF YOU DO MANY VERY BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.” All in caps.
TRUMP: Remember. Good tweet. Accurate grammar. Even used a dash. Flashy!
BANNON: So I guess the thing I’m struggling with here is this: you sent that tweet back then, but if you don’t approve of military options, you will look weak and hypocritical to the public. How can we-
TRUMP: Simple. It’s me.
BANNON: I don’t-
TRUMP: If O’Bombs launches military strikes and stops Syria atrocities, I don’t get any of the credit. That’s a bad thing. Very many bad things.
BANNON: Ok, then, so thinking about the current strike-
TRUMP: Easy. Launch a Trumpimatum. Like an ultimatum but with no repercussions. Powerful!
BANNON: Didn’t…you do that with the Affordable Healthcare Act?
TRUMP: Exactly. Total success!
BANNON: But the GOP option didn’t pass.
TRUMP: And then blamed Ryan for failure. Will do the same thing here. If we don’t attack, it’s Russia’s fault. Boom.
BANNON: You do realize that women and children are dying over there too, right?
TRUMP: New plan. Talk to the Joint Chiefs about rescuing the hot ones. Sanctuary for all 8s and up. Values!
BANNON: And the…less attractive ones?
TRUMP: O’Bombs fault. Should have acted sooner. Weak!
BANNON: Will do. If you don’t mind, I’m going to go check and see how much my soul has shrunk in the last few minutes.
TRUMP: You still have one of those? Need to get rid of it. Slows things down. Efficiency!