4/7/2017 – Trumpedo Launch







PENCE: How long has he been like that? Just staring straight ahead. It’s creepy.

BANNON: Since last night when he ordered the Tomahawk missile strike against Syria.


PENCE: We should-

TRUMP: That…

BANNON: Mr. President are you-

TRUMP: …was…

PENCE: Sir? Do you need-


BANNON: Uh oh.

TRUMP: Tremendous! Bigly! HUUUUUGEEE! Beyond tremendous! It was…

PENCE: Here it comes…


BANNON: …and there it is.

PENCE: Mr. President we need to craft a follow up statement this morning on-

TRUMP:  Did you see that? Syria. Being bad. Not Russia bad but bad bad. Kids dying. Don’t like. I made kids too. Trump kids, so better, but still can sympathize with loser poor kids. Empathy!

BANNON: The diplomatic-

TRUMP: So I pick up phone. Order missile strike. No. A 59 MISSILE STRIKE. And it’s delivered to Syria like a pizza. But an exploding pizza. Followed by 58 other exploding pizzas. Boom. But real Boom, not just word Boom. Last time I had an exploding pizza was when I had pineapple and anchovies on a slice. Camped out in the Trump bathroom in Mar a Lago that day. Incontinence! 

PENCE: Mr. President, I…understand how you can appreciate the use of your extensive military authority-

TRUMP: You. Pence. Two things. One. The only thing you appreciate is that Clorox shampoo you use. Look at that head. Like a colorless void of bland up there.  So bland. The worst. Two. Why didn’t you tell me I had a magical phone that can blow things up? 

PENCE: I…believe we covered this in your briefing.

TRUMP: Pfffeh. Like I paid attention to that. This is amazing! Better than Twitter! Like sending tweets that explode. Need to do this again. All the time.  

BANNON: I think we created a monster. 

PENCE: Created? 

TRUMP: I think the old Trump junk is getting stiff. Call it the Trumpedo. Like a Tomahawk missile but far more powerful. Payload! 

BANNON: Duly noted, sir. Also…ew.

TRUMP: Should launch Trumpedo against Syria. Would wreak havoc but break Geneva convention. A weapon of Trump destruction. Penis! So strong. Tremendous. The best. 

PENCE: So this is what I went to college for. 

TRUMP: Note to self. Use Trumpedo for humanitarian purposes only. 

BANNON: Sir about that statement-

TRUMP: Hello? Military? New target. Rosie O’Donnell. Need convenient explosion to happen. Collateral damage of obesity. Fatsplosion!

BANNON: We’re doomed. 

PENCE: Relax Bannon, I replaced it with a Hasbro toy phone.

TRUMP: You. Pence. Why does the cow keep telling me it goes “Moo”? Need to fire cow immediately. Promote pig.  


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