TRUMP: Hey. Trollboy. I’m back.
BANNON: Mr. President. Dear Lord!
TRUMP: Thanks. Not God, but appreciate the comparison. Semi-accurate. Anything happen?
BANNON: Sir, I have to strongly suggest you never leave Don King, er, “Blump” in charge in your absence ever again.
BLUMP: BLUMP is offended! BLUMP did not cause Armageddon!
TRUMP: Sounds serious. Give me the facts. But just topline because facts are boring.
BANNON: Well, as soon as you left for Mar a Lago, Do-..er…Blump here approved a Massive Ordnance Air Blast on Syria.
TRUMP: So he ate at Taco Bell and dropped a massive fart. Not good BLUMP. We don’t engage in chemical warfare. Putrid!
BLUMP: BLUMP had to send a message! Fight fire with stinkier fire!
BANNON: Wha-No! Massive Ordnance Air Blast is our most powerful nonnuclear warhead. It’s called the Mother of All Bombs!
TRUMP: Already saw La La Land. Boring and pretentious. Can’t compare to Home Alone 2. Masterpiece!
BANNON: I have Secretary of State Tillerson in Moscow trying to ease diplomatic tensions right now.
TRUMP: Good. Oil man smoothing things over. Reduced friction. Science!
BANNON: Then Blump here threatened North Korea and started moving warships to the Korean peninsula. He then irritated China to the point of escalating tensions in the region.
BLUMP: No little ching chong Chinaman midget is going to tell BLUMP what’s what! Go do some calculus and get my laundry!
BANNON: …just so wrong on so many levels. Anyway, Vice President Pence is traveling throughout Asia to calm things down.
TRUMP: Uuughhh. Man has the fortitude of a wet hamster. But might be good idea. Bore them to death with his personality. Subversive. Anything else?
TRUMP: You know what I’m waiting to hear about.
BANNON: *sigh* Judge Gorsuch-
TRUMP: -Hair Master Neil Gorsuch-
BANNON: -was sworn in as a Justice of the Supreme Court. Congratulations, sir.
TRUMP: Tremendous. The best. That man’s infallible scalp will mold the future of this country. Apocalyptic speedbumps aside, an outstanding week. So good. Now leave me alone. I have to catch up on the big news.
BANNON: The big-
TRUMP: New Star Wars trailer is out. Want to see how old Luke is now. Force is strong in that one. Not as strong as BLUMP Mother of All Farts, but still absolutely fantastic. The best.
BLUMP: Yoda man, Donald!
TRUMP: You. Blump. Never do that again. Massive warheads in Middle East, sure. But puns are impeachable.