PENCE: Congratulations on making it to 100 days Mr. President. I have the analytics right here.
TRUMP: Pointless statistic. Useless performance indicator. Like first 100 days of marriage. Boobs are still firm. No idea how presidency will age and sag over time. Cellulite!
PENCE: The sad part is I’m not even horrified by that analogy anymore.
TRUMP: You. Report card go.
PENCE: You’ve completed 78 executive actions, including 30 executive orders, 20 proclamations, and 28 presidential memorandums.
TRUMP: Success. Shows I’m taking action. Proactive!
PENCE: …even though you criticized President Obama for his excessive use of them.
TRUMP: Different now. Because it’s me. Therefore, better. Perspective!
PENCE: You’ve already interacted with foreign leaders 63 times…
TRUMP: Not including League of Legends game nights with Putin?
TRUMP: That explains the double digits.
PENCE: You’ve spent exactly 50% of your weekends at Mar a Lago playing golf…
TRUMP: Boom. Golf. White people basketball. Tremendous. The best. So good. So white.
PENCE: …even though you promised you’d be too busy to golf.
TRUMP: Accurate. Swinging golf club. Talking golf. With golf partners. At my golf club. But not thinking golf. Thinking about presidentizing. Therefore, acceptable.
PENCE: …so, what ARE you thinking about when you’re, um…presidentizing?
TRUMP: Golf. But not me golfing. Thinking about other presidents golfing. Bush 41. Average president but amazing golfer. 43 good too. Jeb too low energy to pick up his putter. Sexual innuendo!
PENCE: Ok, awkardly moving on…unemployment has been stable, so that’s a wash, the stock market continues to rise to record levels, congratulations, sir…illegal border crossings are dropping while immigration arrests are on the rise…
TRUMP: Shows how Mexicans hurt the stock market. Note to self: arrest more Mexicans. Except hot ones. Allowed to stay. Necessary sacrifice for the economy. Burden!
PENCE: …and that’s it, sir.
TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You. Just awful at summarizing. Missed major data points.
PENCE: I…wasn’t aware that there were other-
TRUMP: Trump Jeopardy. Here we go. First answer: 60.
TRUMP: Number of missiles dropped on Syria. 59 Trumpedos, then one Mega-Melania. Boom. The Boomiest of Booms. Next: 2.
PENCE: I’m not-
TRUMP: Number of oil pipelines proposed. Oil. Like money but dirtier. Who needs energy from the sun when the oil is already here on Earth? Proximity!
PENCE: That…almost makes sense.
TRUMP: Next: 119,852.
PENCE: I literally have no idea.
TRUMP: Number of perfect follicles on the Honorable Hair Master Neil Gorsuch that just got appointed to the Supreme Court. Man has a coif for the ages. Stately. Hirsute. The best. Just a tremendous headmane of success. So good. So good.
PENCE: *sigh* Could we move along?
TRUMP: You. Albinoscalp. So jealous. Ok. Final number: 0.
PENCE: That could be anythi-
TRUMP: Number of apocalypses that have happened since I started working here. None. Nada. El apolcalypto el zero. Nada! Armageddon Spanish. The best. Except when from Mexico. 2012 Mayans. So wrong. Inaccurate!
PENCE: I…don’t necessarily believe avoiding the demise of humanity, while somewhat admirable, is a positive performance statistic, sir.
TRUMP: Did you honestly think we’d make it this far without the end of human civilization?
PENCE: …no. I have to admit, Mr. President, it’s quite relieving.
TRUMP: Boom. Armageddon not scheduled until next 100 days. Have something special planned with North Korea. Boats with bombs in place. Good times. Explosive!
PENCE: If it’s all the same to you sir, I’m just going to locate my escape plan and the map to the bunker.
TRUMP: Knock yourself out. And make sure to help Bannon find the emergency foodstuffs.