PENCE: Mr. President, I’m not certain it is wise to keep comparing yourself to Andrew Jackson.
TRUMP: You. Pence. Two things. First, don’t think it’s wise you keep using Clorox as your conditioner. Got hair that looks like it saw a ghost and then that ghost saw another ghost.
PENCE: Shockingly my brain almost processed that.
TRUMP: Two. Comparison is legitimate. Jackson is on money. Trump Rule 19: Anyone on money is infallable. Like me. Identical twin!
PENCE: Very well then, sir, I’ll ask about the other Trump Rules later.
TRUMP: You’ll love Rule 69. Whenever two-
PENCE: ANYWAY I am certain you are aware that the press is not taking kindly to your statement that Former President Jackson could have stopped the Civil War.
TRUMP: Untrue. You. Ziggy Whitebust. Explain.
PENCE: Well, other than the fact it sounds like a jibe against President Lincoln, arguably the most popular…I mean SECOND most popular president in history.
TRUMP: Nice recovery, Ziggy.
PENCE: There’s the fact that Jackson died 16 years before the war started, and that he was a southerner and slave owner himself.
TRUMP: Ok, facts aside-
PENCE: As always, sir.
TRUMP: Here’s the Trump to Jackson checklist for you. Outsider wins presidency in a nasty, extremely negative campaign despite media and bias by focusing on stance of defying conventional politics and populist support.
PENCE: That’s…actually pretty accurate sir.
TRUMP: He then appoints unorthodox individuals, or as I call them, “losers”, to cabinet positions. He forced Native Americans from their homes, I’m sending Mexicans back to Mexico. Like Native Americans but with better Salsa. Cuisine!
PENCE: See, that right there might be where the media-
TRUMP: Guy is a take charger. Effective. Crazy. Gorgeous. Like me. Winner! Lincoln. Tall. Good hats. That’s it. Man was usually broke, no silver on him. How could he stop war? Unprepared!
PENCE: I believe that the war was slightly more complex than that, sir, but I don’t understand the….silver part?
TRUMP: The Silver War. North against South. Fighting for the Silver.
PENCE: This explains so much.
TRUMP: Trump Rule 1. It’s always about the money. Like at the Battle of Bull Market Run.