5/3/2017 – Misvictory

CLINTON: Greetings, male husband companion Bill.

BILL: Hey.

CLINTON: I have run multiple analyses and simulations regarding the election results and my misvictory. 

BILL: Don’t you mean loss? 

CLINTON: That does not compute, Bill. Clintons do not lose. They merely alternatively succeed.

BILL: Sure. Whatevs babe.

CLINTON: However, I have allowed my pain processors to experience human discomfort as I reanalyze the results.

BILL: Sure. That’s a very human thing to do. Good on you, Hil.

CLINTON: Would you care to receive an oral report of my results? 

BILL: Well you know as much as I love oral reports, but I don’t think reliving the events of the past is a way to-

CLINTON: REASON ONE

BILL: Ugh, here we go. 

CLINTON: Russia’s hacking of my campaign’s internal emails and then providing availability to dissemination by WikiLeaks contributed to my substitute victory by sowing seeds of doubt. Because Russia hates me. 

BILL: Sure. THEY’RE the ones who hate you. Makes sense. Hey how about-

CLINTON: REASON TWO

BILL: Jesus.

CLINTON: That is a correct analysis. Jesus. As in Southern White Christian Males and Middle Aged Caucasian individuals in key target states failing to connect with me. Even though I am also capable of wireless and bluetooth access functions.

BILL: Yup, THEIR failure to connect with you. Hey look I’m just going to-

CLINTON:  REASON THREE. Timing. I have determined through my calendar and scheduling subroutines that if the election were held at exactly 8:48 AM on October 27, I would be president.

BILL: So it’s the calendar’s fault too?

CLINTON: That is an accurate conclusion.

BILL: Look, Hil, don’t take this the wrong way, I mean you’re my wife and all that and I’ve got your back no matter what, but did you ever think that, you know, you might have a small role in this um…un-failure? I mean maybe be a little less, you know, robotic and cold? 

CLINTON:

BILL:

CLINTON:

BILL:

CLINTON: Are you attempting to run that “humor” algorithm I hear so much about?

BILL: *sigh* Sure. That’s it. You are absolutely right and I’m just trying to make a joke.

CLINTON: Ah. Haha! That is the laugh. I will now reply with a joke. Two Mark 11 cyborgs walk into a bar, but not to consume alcoholic beverages due to their lack of organic digestive systems. Cyborg model A788Q communicates to model A789M “11100010100001110000111000011…”

BILL: Hey Juanita? Bill. Look I’m going to have to reschedule our, um, massage appointment. Hillary is telling a joke.

CLINTON: …..101110001100000101010001. Get it? It’s funnier in the original Python.  

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