BANNON: You seem awfully calm.
PENCE: Wait…What did he do? WHAT DID HE DO?
TRUMP: What did who do?
TRUMP: You. Look like you’ve seen a ghost. Always. White hair. The worst. Like your head picked none of the above. Soulless follicles!
BANNON: Pence hasn’t heard the news.
TRUMP: It’s true. American Gods. Good show. Bigly. Tremendous. No idea what’s going on but idea of gods in America is HUGE. Not real ones like me, but fake TV gods, so ok.
BANNON: The…other thing, sir.
TRUMP: Oh that. Fired Comey.
PENCE: Wha…why? How come? Jesus!
TRUMP: Appreciate the compliment but not savior. Just savior of America. Can’t walk on water but can build walls. Creationism!
PENCE: Sir, the media backlash-
TRUMP: -is hypocritical. The liberal media was upset that I had retained him for months and they approved of his belligerence towards me, but then when he developed a relatively moderate anti-Hillary stance and a more balanced approach to his investigations they demanded his ouster. Now that I fired him they’re going to reproach me based on something they wanted in the first place? It’s the very definition of hypocrisy!
PENCE: How does he do that?
BANNON: Broken record, just wait a second.
TRUMP: Anyway his hair smelled.
BANNON: There, you see?
TRUMP: Like an old cat fighting an infected weasel. Only the most fragrant hair mammals will be tolerated in this administration. Scented scalps!
PENCE: Sir, I get the whole firing thing…actually no I don’t it’s completely nonsensical, but even worse is the timing. He was spearheading the investigation to your Russian ties, and suddenly he’s gone? The optics just don’t look good.
TRUMP: Listen Ibn al Haytham…
TRUMP: The father of modern optics? Does anyone read around here? Optics don’t matter. Unbigly. Irrelevant. No ties with Russia so nothing to worry about. Timing irrelevant! Hold on. Phone. You. Speak.
TRUMP: Poots! Hows it hanging?
PUTIN: Better than hopes of Ukranian independence.
PUTIN: Leesten. Vanted to sank yoo for eeleemeenating the Koomey. He vas…how you say? A fly een ointment.
TRUMP: Didn’t eliminate, but fired. But Trump fired so best firing there is. Classy!
PUTIN: Aneevay, ees apreesheeated.
TRUMP: League of Legends Friday?
PUTIN: Plans are locked een like launch codes to your meeleetaree faceeleetees. Poka.
TRUMP: That was Putin on my phone. My personal phone.
TRUMP: Good guy that Putin. Militaristic despot with an awful human rights record, sure, but who isn’t these days? Man’s a good egg. Protein!
PENCE: If it’s all right with you, sir, I’m just going to go write up my statements for the press…and my escape plans.
BANNON: I’ll…help him.
TRUMP: You two. Don’t let the press see those plans. Ibn al Haytham would not approve. Bad optics!