5/15/2017 – Reince Priebus

TRUMP: I suppose you’re wondering why you’re all here.

SPICER: No sir.

BANNON: No idea. 

PRIEBUS: Not sure, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Not for the eye candy. Marginal attractiveness at best. Lucky I’m here to bring the average looks in the room up to a 7. Carrying the load! 

BANNON: I would say that’s accurate.

SPICER: If I may sir, why ARE we here?

TRUMP: Thinking about firing all of you.




TRUMP: Boom.  

BANNON: What the-

SPICER: Please let it be true please let it be true please let it be true…

PRIEBUS: Mr. President with all due respect, which at this point I think we can agree is dropping by the hour, this doesn’t make any sense. 

TRUMP: Makes total sense. Trump sense is best sense. So good, my sense. So good. 

SPICER: Sir, let me be the first to absolutely agree with you that we should all be fired and sternly punished by making us go home and see our families and never, ever return to this horrible place I mean sanctuary of democracy ever again. 

TRUMP: Ugh. Almost gave Pence a run for his money with the kissing up there. Useless sycophanting!

BANNON: If I may, sir, why us in particular? 

TRUMP: Easy. Spicer. Look at him. Hiding in bushes like he’s trying to run for the border. Like he was saving the lampshade for Plan B. Press secretary is most press facing job, and he’s hiding. Hypocrisy!

SPICER: Yup, all true. I’m a pathetic little man who deserves the pink slip. I’ll be behind the couch if you need me.

TRUMP: Then there’s you. Chief Strategist Bannon. Does it look like I have a strategy, other than “screw everything up?” Not good. Do the opposite of O’bombs works for a while, but any fool can follow that.

BANNON: Apparently.  

TRUMP: Then there’s Rinsed Prius here. 

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Right Preakness.

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Rancid fetus.

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Righteous plea bust.

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Ranch Pecan.

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Ripe Peach Bus.

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Can’t have guy on the staff whose name sounds like he’s a German space gladiator. Heinrich von Maximus!

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

BANNON: Mr. President, these all sound like fairly decent reasons-

SPICER: Outstanding reasons that must be acted on sir!

BANNON: -but if I may be so bold, what is the real rationale behind your decision?

TRUMP: This place needs more hot chicks. Look at you all. Like a bunch of ugly candles melted. Failed attractiveness!

BANNON: I suppose we could spruce ourselves up a bit, possibly bring in a few semi-attractive interns. I have former President Clinton’s number right here and-

TRUMP: Not good enough. You guys would still bring the average down. For Spicer here, I’m thinking about replacing with Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She sounds like she’s in a Wes Anderson film but a solid 7. Would date!

SPICER: She can use me as a reference sir!

TRUMP: For you, Bannon, a hot Mexican girl. Not illegal, because they are the worst. One of the legal ones. Hot tamale!

BANNON: I am literally at a loss for words at the moment. 

TRUMP: As for Ringed Penis here-

PRIEBUS: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: I’m thinking Asian, possibly Filipino. Better yet, Chinese. Ming Li. Easy to remember. Minimal syllables!

BANNON: This is a fever dream. It has to be.

TRUMP: Might be because your hanging out with ringworm pseudomonas here.

PRIEBUS: Reince Prieb-oh just forget it. I’m Ringworm Pseudomonas.  

TRUMP: Stop infecting other people Reince. Unneighborly!

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