5/16/2017 – Golden Brown

PENCE: Mr. President, I understand that you want to improve relations with Russia, but perhaps giving away confidential information or state secrets is not the best approach. 

TRUMP: Not giving away state secrets. Not telling Russia anything. Hold on. Phone. You. Phone man. Speak.

PUTIN: Hyello. 

TRUMP: Poots! What’s up!

PUTIN: Our satellites spying on your White House.

TRUMP: Ha! Good one!

PUTIN: Leesten. I vant to know where your nooklear varhyeds are lowkated. 

TRUMP: Sure. Hold up, let me just attach the file, and…Boom. You’ll be getting a text soon. 

PUTIN: Is good. Poka. 


TRUMP: That was Putin. On my phone. My personal phone.  


TRUMP: Wanted to know things. So I told him. Direct diplomacy!

PENCE: Sir, you…you can’t leak information like that!

TRUMP: Uggghhh. Listen to you. Not leaking secrets. How can I leak secrets if I just tell them the secrets? That way, they already know. Nothing to leak. Boom. Logic!


TRUMP: Trump logic. Best logic. Hold on. Phone. You. Phone man. Speak. 

PUTIN: Hyello. 

TRUMP: Poots! What’s the good word?

PUTIN: Post-Soviet global dominance. 

TRUMP: I hear ya, buddy.

PUTIN: Leesten. Need launch codes to your American nooklear varhyeds. To keep thyem safe. 

TRUMP: Sure. Passcode is Trump1. Because Trump is number one. The best. So good, being the Trump. So good. 

PUTIN: Is good. Proschay. 

PENCE: Sir! Dear Lord!

TRUMP: Appreciate that but just a man. Not a divine omnipotent force. But pretty close. Trump force is best force. 

PENCE: If the press-

TRUMP: Fake news.

PENCE: *sigh* If the pr…fake news hear what you’re revealing it will be a horror show!

TRUMP: The only horror show around here Pence is that head of yours. Look at it. All white and frail. Looks like your brain is surrendering. Here’s 20 bucks. Go get me some McDonalds. Ask for Oksana. 

PENCE: Who…is…

TRUMP: She works fries. Told her about our covert blacksites and upcoming Delta Force ops.


TRUMP: Good girl, Oksana. Tall. Blonde. Thick Russian accent. Makes the best fries. Golden brown!

PENCE; Kind of like my pants at the moment. 

TRUMP: Skip the doctor. That’s a pre-existing condition. 


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