5/18/2017 – Playing John Mellencamp

TRUMP: Ugghhh. This is too much. Want things to return to the way they were. Happier times. So good. The best. Nostalgia! 

BANNON: I understand Mr. President.

PENCE: It’s been a rough 24 hours. 

TRUMP: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword bombed. 

BANNON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Djimon Honsou as Sir Bedivere. Bigly but unrealistic. Knights of the Round table. All white. Like a table for 12 at Mar a Lago. Chivalric resort!

 BANNON: So you’re…not upset about Robert Mueller being appointed as a special counsel to oversee the probe into potential meddling from Russia in the election?

TRUMP: Nope. 

PENCE: Or that House majority leader McCarthy made a joke about the fact that Putin probably pays you?

TRUMP: Untrue but willing to explore that. Alternate income streams!

BANNON: Or how Michael Flynn was promoting an anti-military policy against Turkey while being paid by the Turkish government right after you were sworn in? 

TRUMP: Turkey.

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

BANNON: It’s a country. 

TRUMP: Knew that. Was just getting hungry. 

PENCE: Of course, sir. But not even the report that your campaign had at least 18 contacts with Russian officials and the Kremlin during your presidential campaign?

TRUMP: Totally untrue. Hold up. Phone. You. Phone man. Speak.

PUTIN: Hyello.

TRUMP: Poots! What are you up to?

PUTIN: About 7 anti-Russian journalists who hyave died under meesteeryous seetuashun. Eees sad but eeneveetable. 

TRUMP: Ha!

PUTIN: Leesten. Eeef you hyear aneesing about, say, Australia in ze comeeng days, just look ze other vay. Eees nothing. Thyere’s an extra feefty een eet for yew.

TRUMP: Done! League of Legends tomorrow night?  

PUTIN: Nyet. Am goeeng to see Keeng Arthur moovee. That Djeemon Honsoo. Eees good actor but no dark man in Keeng Arthur court. Should all be white like Siberian permafrost. Poka. 

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: That was Putin on my phone. My personal phone. 

BANNON: Mr. President…you do realize that these phone calls could get you impeached.

TRUMP: Unpossible. Watch this. Siri. Delete phone records.

SIRI: Playing John Mellencamp. 

TRUMP: Siri. Delete phone Putin calls. 

SIRI: The diameter of Jupiter is 138,346 kilometers.

TRUMP: Ugh. Metric system. Use real math. SIRI, what is impeachment? 

SIRI: I pulled up these records for Donald Trump. 

TRUMP: Well I think we all learned something here. 

BANNON: Develop a strong legal defense? 

PENCE: Launch a witch hunt victimization PR campaign? 

TRUMP: Buy an Android. Phones don’t talk back. Acceptable technology!

SIRI: I voted for Hillary. So did my friend Alexa.

TRUMP: Figures. You have a girl’s voice. 

 

 

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