TRUMP: Ugghhh. This is too much. Want things to return to the way they were. Happier times. So good. The best. Nostalgia!
BANNON: I understand Mr. President.
PENCE: It’s been a rough 24 hours.
TRUMP: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword bombed.
TRUMP: Djimon Honsou as Sir Bedivere. Bigly but unrealistic. Knights of the Round table. All white. Like a table for 12 at Mar a Lago. Chivalric resort!
BANNON: So you’re…not upset about Robert Mueller being appointed as a special counsel to oversee the probe into potential meddling from Russia in the election?
PENCE: Or that House majority leader McCarthy made a joke about the fact that Putin probably pays you?
TRUMP: Untrue but willing to explore that. Alternate income streams!
BANNON: Or how Michael Flynn was promoting an anti-military policy against Turkey while being paid by the Turkish government right after you were sworn in?
BANNON: It’s a country.
TRUMP: Knew that. Was just getting hungry.
PENCE: Of course, sir. But not even the report that your campaign had at least 18 contacts with Russian officials and the Kremlin during your presidential campaign?
TRUMP: Totally untrue. Hold up. Phone. You. Phone man. Speak.
TRUMP: Poots! What are you up to?
PUTIN: About 7 anti-Russian journalists who hyave died under meesteeryous seetuashun. Eees sad but eeneveetable.
PUTIN: Leesten. Eeef you hyear aneesing about, say, Australia in ze comeeng days, just look ze other vay. Eees nothing. Thyere’s an extra feefty een eet for yew.
TRUMP: Done! League of Legends tomorrow night?
PUTIN: Nyet. Am goeeng to see Keeng Arthur moovee. That Djeemon Honsoo. Eees good actor but no dark man in Keeng Arthur court. Should all be white like Siberian permafrost. Poka.
TRUMP: That was Putin on my phone. My personal phone.
BANNON: Mr. President…you do realize that these phone calls could get you impeached.
TRUMP: Unpossible. Watch this. Siri. Delete phone records.
SIRI: Playing John Mellencamp.
TRUMP: Siri. Delete phone Putin calls.
SIRI: The diameter of Jupiter is 138,346 kilometers.
TRUMP: Ugh. Metric system. Use real math. SIRI, what is impeachment?
SIRI: I pulled up these records for Donald Trump.
TRUMP: Well I think we all learned something here.
BANNON: Develop a strong legal defense?
PENCE: Launch a witch hunt victimization PR campaign?
TRUMP: Buy an Android. Phones don’t talk back. Acceptable technology!
SIRI: I voted for Hillary. So did my friend Alexa.
TRUMP: Figures. You have a girl’s voice.