PENCE: All right then, Mr. President, I have your itinerary for your first foreign trip.
TRUMP: Not my first foreign trip. Sometimes go to Atlantic City for old times sake. Lots of foreigners there. Ellis Island!
PENCE: I meant as President, sir.
TRUMP: Good. Let’s here this list of backwater loserholes I’m traveling to.
PENCE: First stop is Saudi Arabia, where you’ll have coffee with the King.
TRUMP: Good. Will introduce King to Trump Tower Coffee. Classy. Tremendous. Caffeinated. The best. Fit for Kings! Heard the man likes expensive black liquids. Arabica beans, so he’ll respect. Can provide!
PENCE: Trump Tower coffee? That’s an actual thing?
TRUMP: I make everything. Trump catalog requires a spotter. Thick with quality!
PENCE: Up next will be Israel where you’ll greet Israel President Reuven Rivlin in Jerusalem and visit a holocaust memorial.
TRUMP: Ugh. Why do I need to see fake 3D images of Tupac? Let the man go.
PENCE: Holocaust, sir, not hologram. A holocaust is when you systematically destroy a people by…never mind I felt a chill down my spine like I’m living this somehow.
TRUMP: Best not to linger on that.
PENCE: Up next you’ll be visiting the Vatican.
TRUMP: Why? Have no pets. Shedding everywhere. Always have to walk them. Inconsiderate mammals!
PENCE: No that a veterinari- you know what, let’s move on. Up next you’ll visit Belgium.
TRUMP: Good. Will want waffles. Best food. Little syrup pits of goodness. So good it needs its own kitchen appliance. Pancakes just a batter sponge. Can’t compare.
PENCE: I’m sure when you meet King Philippe and Queen Mathilde, as well as Prime Minister Charles Michel, you could ask them.
TRUMP: Also have to ask them about Jean Claude Van Damme. Muscle from Brussels. Great actor, not enough Bloodsport movies. Karate deficit!
PENCE: Your final stop will be in Sicily where-
TRUMP: We talk about pizza. Sicilian slices. Square. Unnecessary. Should be round and flat, not thick and doughy. Tomato cake!
PENCE: You’ll actually be attending G7.
TRUMP:
PENCE:
TRUMP:
PENCE: The economic summit.
TRUMP: Good. Thought it was some new Be-Bop Kids Band. Can’t abide. Should introduce the Sicilians to Twisted Sister. Dee Snider. Strange man but knows how to apply rouge. Can respect!
PENCE; You’ll actually attend a concert by the La Scala Philharmonic Orchestra hosted by President Sergio Mattarella.
TRUMP: Good. Can demand more Godfather movies. Godfather 3. Best movie in the series.
PENCE: That…might be the most disturbing thing you’ve ever said.
TRUMP: No, President Pence. Now that’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever said. Ugh. Just the thought. It’s enough to make your hair turn white. Looks like you’ve thought of it already.
