BANNON: …and then I said to the prostitute “that’s a preexisting condition.”
PENCE: Ha! Good one! Except of course I would never speak to a woman alone in private because-
TRUMP: I’m back.
BANNON: YOW!! I mean welcome back Mr. President.
PENCE: We, um, heard about your….trip.
TRUMP: Big success. Tremendous. HUUUUUUUUUUUGE. Foreigners. Smelly but hospitable. Can forgive!
BANNON: Um, about that success part, sir, there may have been some…consequences coming out of your visit.
TRUMP: You. Troll man. Explain.
BANNON: Well, ok, it looks like speaking to the Saudi king went well.
TRUMP: Of course. Man has golden toilets. Respects the Trump butt. Speaks my language.
PENCE: The language of your…butt.
BANNON: Then there was the visit to Israel with Netanyahu.
TRUMP: Hu. Great guy. On first. I don’t know. Third base!
TRUMP: Ugh. You two. Like a comedic Bermuda Triangle.
BANNON: So I guess Israel went well, with Netanyahu calling you a great friend.
TRUMP: Of course. They have a wall there. You can pray at it. Those Jews. Good people even though they-
PENCE: Please don’t say anything antisemetic sir.
BANNON: No no, I want to hear this.
TRUMP: Ok. So. Two successes already. Where’s the problem.
PENCE: Um, Europe sir.
BANNON: They pretty much hate us now.
TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You two. Can’t believe I’m hearing this. News flash: They already hated us. So jealous. The worst.
PENCE: Be that as it may sir, do you think it was wise to complain about how the EU members are not paying their fair share for NATO?
TRUMP: As opposed to what, let them keep getting away with it? They’re like the people you go to dinner with that want to split the bill evenly to make you pay for their drinks and dinner, even though you only had a salad. Ugh. Salad. The worst. Green leaves on a plate. Might as well eat a tree. Druid lunch!
BANNON: And then there was the Pope. He looked…uncomfortable.
TRUMP: HE was uncomfortable? I’m wearing a nice suit, looking amazing, so good, and he’s dressed like Gandalf at an art gallery opening. So inappropriate, his robes. Dress code!
PENCE: It’s the standard garb for-
TRUMP: You two. Complaining about me being a bad guest. So wrong. How about you complain about them being bad hosts? Making jokes behind my back, distancing themselves from me, bad behavior. So European. The worst. Only good host was the Saudi king of salami.
PENCE: I believe that’s the Saudi King Salman bin Abdulaziz, sir.
TRUMP: Pretty sure I’m right. Anyway, he gave me this. Precious!
BANNON: Is that a…crystal orb?
PENCE: And why is it glowing?
TRUMP: Don’t know. Was just told I should not look directly at it.
CONWAY: Hey guys I heard the President is back and OH MY GOD!
CONWAY: We have a palantir! THE MASTER can speak to us! Finally! THE AGE OF MAN WILL SOON END.
CONWAY: I mean…America!
TRUMP: Look fellowship of the losers, you’re all wrong about this. If anything my trip has brought more good into the world than bad.
ORB: COVFEFE I SUMMON YOU
TRUMP: I have to take this.
CONWAY: You do.