6/7/2017 – Dream Weaver

TRUMP: Picked a new FBI director. 

BANNON: Outstanding sir! I’m happy to hear that after a rigorous screening process you were able to select a name. 

TRUMP: Sure. 

BANNON: Um, sir, just out of curiosity, why are there darts on your desk? 

TRUMP: No reason. Like darts. Acupuncture for archers. Long range chi alignment!

BANNON: Mr. President, if I turn around, and I am of course speaking hypothetically here-

TRUMP:

BANNON: It means based on a hypothesis.

TRUMP:

BANNON: It means…like an educated guess.

TRUMP: Knew that. I was just testing you with my…

BANNON:

TRUMP:

BANNON: Hypothesis?

TRUMP: Sure.

BANNON: So, I’m just hypo-…um…guessing here, but if I turn around and stare at the wall behind me, am I going to see a dartboard with a bunch of names on it?

TRUMP: No. 

BANNON:

TRUMP:

BANNON: 

TRUMP: Yes. 

BANNON: Jesus Christ!

TRUMP: Appreciate the compliment but not perfect. Just Trump perfect, which is actually better than perfect since it’s perfect and classy. Ecclesiastical infallibility!

BANNON: Sir, after the Comey debacle…er…really bad thing, you want to logically and strategically pick the best possible candidate to be his successor!

TRUMP: Totally with you there. That’s why I used the good darts.

BANNON: OK. Ok. Who did you pick?

TRUMP: Some guy named Christopher Wray.

BANNON: Why him? He’s a nobody! Sir, not Wray!

TRUMP: Wray! It’s Wrays world! Party time! Excellent! The best! So tremendous, Garth.

BANNON: My name is not-

 TRUMP: Uggghh. Never mind. You. Comedic genius. Not!

BANNON: Sir, can you at least give me one good reason I can give to Spicer to talk to the press about why you picked Christopher Wray? I mean other than how he reminds you of Wayne’s World quotes?

TRUMP: He has impeccable credentials, especially since he hasn’t worked here a single day. His experience as the assistant attorney general in charge of the Department of Justice’s criminal division back during the Bush administration provides a solid foundation of experience to succeed at the job while appealing to the conservative block, and his subsequent private practice work specializing in white collar and internal investigations will lend credence to the liberals that I’m recruiting a neutral candidate to play an objective role in the investigation of the Russia hacking scandal, which totally doesn’t exist anyay. 

BANNON: 

TRUMP: What? 

BANNON: Sorry, I forgot. Broken clock. Brilliant twice a day. That means your next-

TRUMP: Plus I’m hoping Wray can get me Tia Carerre’s phone number. Not Russian hot but still a solid 9. Wait, she kissed Mike Myers. Make that an 8. Would date! 

BANNON: This is a nightmare. 

TRUMP: It’s a dream, Garth, and I’m the dream weaver. 

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