6/8/2017 – Greased Snake

PENCE: Are you watching this sir? 

TRUMP: Of course. Absolutely disgraceful what’s happening. Just awful. The worst. Backstabbing!

PENCE: Couldn’t agree more, Mr. President. I never would have gathered from that first meeting that he would change like that. 

TRUMP: Just goes to show you that when people don’t get what they want, they’ll do a full 360. 

PENCE: I think you mean 180 sir. 

TRUMP: Ugh. You. So wrong. 180 is only half as big as 360. You’re facing the wrong way on this.

PENCE: Actually, um…ok. 

TRUMP: How can this guy be a friend one minute and then turn into such a cowardly villain? Total betrayal. Like the melanin on your head. Albino hair field!

PENCE: It’s amazing how easily lies can come from someone sir.

TRUMP: At least they didn’t kill the dog this time. 

PENCE: It just goes to show you that…what?

TRUMP: The dog. Still alive. Like dogs, just hate them as pets. Other people pets, no problem. Just keep them away from me. Glad this one is still alive. 

PENCE: Sir…wait, I need a moment…ok…what are you watching? 

TRUMP: John Wick 2. Keanu. Brilliant actor. He’s no Dwayne Johnson but the man knows how to do an action scene. Greased snake!

PENCE: Why aren’t you watching James Comey’s testimony?

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Former FBI Director James Comey?

TRUMP:

PENCE: The guy you fired? 

TRUMP:

PENCE: *Sigh* because you said, and I quote, “his hair smelled”? 

TRUMP: Sure. The ent. Good at his job but man’s head smelled like my bathroom after a PR staged taco bowl lunch. Extra fiber!

PENCE: Wow. That’s a visual I’ll never get out of my head. 

TRUMP: John Wick can help with that. Movie has more head shots than I have Twitter shots.

PENCE: But what about the whole loyalty thing? 

TRUMP: The dog is loyal to John Wick. Look, he’s just sitting there waiting for Keanu to move. Well trained!

PENCE: I’m talking about how Comey is testifying that you demanded his loyalty and directly pushed him to declare that you’re not the target of the FBI probe into the Russian hacking scandal. 

TRUMP: Two things. One. Explain to me exactly why it’s wrong I’m demanding loyalty from someone I hire? 

PENCE: Because he is supposed to be loyal to the country first? 

TRUMP: Sure. If I work at McDonald’s as a manager and I hire someone to work the fries at McDonald’s I want him loyal to McDonald’s, but to me too. 

PENCE: That makes no sense sir. 

TRUMP: You’re right. I would never work at McDonald’s. So rich. The best. Just tremendous. Vocational options!

PENCE: What about the fact that you wanted to proclaim you are personally not under investigation? 

TRUMP: That’s number B. He just revealed in his testimony that I’m not or ever was under investigation. So basically this whole testimony is because I asked him to be nice to me. Shameful grandstanding!

PENCE: I…somehow I think you convinced me.

TRUMP: Glad to see you do a full 360. Now head out so I can finish John Wick 2.  Note to self. Appoint Keanu Reeves FBI Director. Can use Neo to hack Matrix. So good. 

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