6/9/2019 -Bestova!

PENCE: Mr. President, Former Director Comey is here. 

TRUMP: You. Sounded like you capitalized “former”. Don’t do that. Wait outside pence. 

PENCE: Huh. It almost sounded like you put a lowercase p in front of my-

TRUMP: I did. Out. 

COMEY: Hey. 

TRUMP: Hey. 







COMEY: You’re a dick. 

TRUMP: This is true. Doesn’t change that one thing. 

COMEY: What’s that?

TRUMP: I didn’t obstruct justice. Or anything for that matter.

COMEY:  Other than the American political process. 

TRUMP: Oh sure. That was moving so smoothly before I got here. Then there’s the other thing.

COMEY: What’s that?

TRUMP: I’m not and never was under investigation. 

COMEY: Nope. You never were. 

TRUMP: So why all of this? Why all the back and forth? You. So confused. Like Pence staring at a Ferris wheel. Or Tilda Swinton. Just clueless. The worst. Why didn’t you just say that I did nothing from the beginning? 

COMEY: I don’t-

 TRUMP: Never mind. Already know the reason. 

COMEY: What’s that? 

TRUMP: You’re a dick too. 

COMEY: Well I’m 6 foot 8 so I’m technically the longer di-

TRUMP: Just don’t. 

COMEY: Look, even though I admitted I have nothing on you, I refuse to believe you have no ties to Russia. 

TRUMP: Totally true. No ties. Hold on. Phone. You. Phone man. Speak. 

PUTIN: Hyello.

TRUMP: Poots! What’s the deal? 

PUTIN: More you-rainieeum for Russia from Cleentun Foundation. But ov course she knew nothing. 

TRUMP: Sure. 

PUTIN: I hyave qwestion. Pleese you answer. 

TRUMP: Sure. Trump answers best answers. So good. The best. 

PUTIN: I hyave re-seeved in the myail from Saudi king a strange deeleevairy. A glowing sfeere. Looks like planet if Krushchev did not hyeroically stand up to Kennedy tierant in Cuba.

TRUMP: Got one too. Classy. Conversation piece. Conversation is usually “I hate you Mr. President, but what’s that glowing orb.”

PUTIN: Da. Can reelate. But hatred eenternalized here. Otherwise Gulag. 

TRUMP: Makes sense. So what’s the question? 

PUTIN: Does your orb talk? Mine cyalls me Putinfefe. Eees nonsense. 

TRUMP: Yup. Got the fefe talk too. Don’t get it, but glowing orb so it must make sense. Spherical wisdom!

PUTIN: Da. Weel let yoo know eef anything chyanges. Poka. 

TRUMP: That was Putin on my phone. My personal phone.


TRUMP: Great guy that Putin.


TRUMP: Hellbent on the destruction of the Western world but we all have quirks. Character traits!

COMEY: I…thought you said you have no ties to Russia? 

TRUMP: Don’t. No ties whatsoever. Covfefe sure, totally in bed with Russia. Big Russian bed with Russian women. Last names ending in “ova”. The best. Bestova!

COMEY: I have to go. 

TRUMP: Good. Need to hire new FBI Director. Top priority, investigate Covfefe. Can’t be trusted!

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