PENCE: Mr. President, you don’t look like yourself.
PENCE: It’s the Sessions testimony, isn’t it? Another round of bad press, I get it.
TRUMP: No. Old news. Probably fake old news. Unimportant.
PENCE: Is it the fact that Maryland and DC are seeking to sue you for breaching your constitutional oath?
TRUMP: Unimportant. Should countersue. Maryland doesn’t have every woman in it named Mary, and DC is not located in Columbia. False advertising!
PENCE: The sad part is I expected that reaction.
TRUMP: Wrong. The sad part is you looking into a mirror. All of you. Even the concept of you. Tragic. Just the worst.
PENCE: Noted. So if it’s neither of those things, then what’s bothering you?
TRUMP: Melania’s here. With Barron.
PENCE: I don’t understand, sir. Why wouldn’t you want to spend time with your wife? I certainly do. In public of course, because I would never be caught alone with a woman. Ever.
TRUMP: Upsetting because she’s gorgeous. Solid 9.5. Not a 10 because not female version of me, but can respect. Slumming it!
PENCE: Sir, you’re going to have to clarify for me why having an attractive wife is such a-
MELANIA: Hyello Donald, hyello Michael. I hope you are both doing the vell today.
TRUMP: Doing great. The best. Absolutely tremendous. So good. So good.
PENCE: I’m…well ma’am. How are you?
MELANIA: Very well thank you, the Michael Pence. I am reviewing potential voman’s causes to support, enrolling Barron in school, learned 3 more languages, met with consultants to design first lady fashion line, and reviewed calculus for fun.
PENCE: That’s amazing ma’am!
MELANIA: If anyone needs me I’m upstairs programming an anti-cyberbullying app. Se vidimo pozneje!
TRUMP: Exactly. How am I going to get anything done? May need to divorce. Presidency. Going so well. HUGE track record of success. Can’t break streak!
PENCE: I…don’t think that the streak you are referring to is-
TRUMP: And then there’s so Barron. So sad.
PENCE: He seems like a fine young man sir, why it sad that he’s here?
TRUMP: Growing up in White House. HUGE opportunity. Just the best. Will outshine my other kids, make them look like underachievers. So sad!
PENCE: I don’t know about that sir, there’s Ivanka…
TRUMP: Amazing. The best. Solid 9.7. Trump genes, so good. Like Schwarzenegger in that movie with DeVito. Dominant traits!
PENCE: And then there’s Donald Jr.
TRUMP: Handsome. Brilliant. Brunette, so not complete success. Failed to incorporate blonde Trump hair genes. Marginal victory!
PENCE: And of course there’s Eric.
TRUMP: Ivanka. Huge success. Eugenic victory!