6/12/2017 – Eugenic Victory

PENCE: Mr. President, you don’t look like yourself. 

TRUMP: Uggghhhh.

PENCE: It’s the Sessions testimony, isn’t it? Another round of bad press, I get it. 

TRUMP: No. Old news. Probably fake old news. Unimportant. 

PENCE: Is it the fact that Maryland and DC are seeking to sue you for breaching your constitutional oath?

TRUMP: Unimportant. Should countersue. Maryland doesn’t have every woman in it named Mary, and DC is not located in Columbia. False advertising!

PENCE: The sad part is I expected that reaction.

TRUMP: Wrong. The sad part is you looking into a mirror. All of you. Even the concept of you. Tragic. Just the worst.

PENCE: Noted. So if it’s neither of those things, then what’s bothering you? 

TRUMP: Melania’s here. With Barron. 

PENCE: I don’t understand, sir. Why wouldn’t you want to spend time with your wife? I certainly do. In public of course, because I would never be caught alone with a woman. Ever. 

TRUMP: Upsetting because she’s gorgeous. Solid 9.5. Not a 10 because not female version of me, but can respect. Slumming it! 

PENCE: Sir, you’re going to have to clarify for me why having an attractive wife is such a-

MELANIA: Hyello Donald, hyello Michael. I hope you are both doing the vell today.

TRUMP: Doing great. The best. Absolutely tremendous. So good. So good. 

PENCE: I’m…well ma’am. How are you?

MELANIA: Very well thank you, the Michael Pence. I am reviewing potential voman’s causes to support, enrolling Barron in school, learned 3 more languages, met with consultants to design first lady fashion line, and reviewed calculus for fun.  

TRUMP: Boom.

PENCE: That’s amazing ma’am!

MELANIA: If anyone needs me I’m upstairs programming an anti-cyberbullying app. Se vidimo pozneje!




PENCE: Wow. 

TRUMP: Exactly. How am I going to get anything done? May need to divorce. Presidency. Going so well. HUGE track record of success. Can’t break streak!

PENCE: I…don’t think that the streak you are referring to is-

TRUMP: And then there’s so Barron. So sad. 

PENCE: He seems like a fine young man sir, why it sad that he’s here? 

TRUMP: Growing up in White House. HUGE opportunity. Just the best. Will outshine my other kids, make them look like underachievers. So sad!

PENCE: I don’t know about that sir, there’s Ivanka…

TRUMP: Amazing. The best. Solid 9.7. Trump genes, so good. Like Schwarzenegger in that movie with DeVito. Dominant traits! 

PENCE: And then there’s Donald Jr.

TRUMP: Handsome. Brilliant. Brunette, so not complete success. Failed to incorporate blonde Trump hair genes. Marginal victory!

PENCE: And of course there’s Eric. 





TRUMP: Ivanka. Huge success. Eugenic victory!

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