PENCE: Ok, Mr. President, if you just keep the ice packs on your fists and keep your thumbs sticking up like that, you should be fine.
TRUMP: Looks like I’m hitchhiking to heaven. Makes no sense. No need to hitchhike. Trump going straight to heaven in a private heaven jet. Divine business class!
CONWAY: Good afternoon Michael…Mr. President…um, what happened here?
PENCE: He overtweeted. Double thumb strain. Nothing too crazy.
TRUMP: Just awful. Makes me look like the Fonz. Fonz cool, but not Trump cool. Trump cool is absolutely the best cool. Just tremendous. Trump so cool he needs ice packs on his thumbs. Arctic Happy Days!
CONWAY: So what happened that the President overtweeted?
PENCE: Oh, he was just…reacting…to the fact that Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and Special Counselor Robert Mueller are investigating the President for any obstruction of justice by firing Comey.
TRUMP: Completely baseless. So baseless. If someone came to me and said where’s the base, I’d have to tell them there is no base. Would have to eat their turkey dry.
TRUMP: Ugghhh. Because it can’t be basted. You two. Trump humor too fast for you. No comedic speed limit!
PENCE: Or road signs apparently…
CONWAY: Well, sir, maybe they are just doing their job.
TRUMP: Not their job. Shouldn’t be wasting time prosecuting. They’re leaving us defenseless.
PENCE: I…don’t think I-
TRUMP: How can an Attorney General lead our lawyers into battle if they’re too busy investigating crimes? Makes no sense!
TRUMP: Don’t know who attorneys are fighting anyway. Probably all those torts.
PENCE: I don’t think torts are-
TRUMP: Why would they have to fight a delicious breakfast toaster treat?
PENCE: Just go with it.
TRUMP: Cherry torts. So good. The best. Juicy. Classy. Ready in a minute. Tremendous.
PENCE: Mr. President, as…misguided as their investigation is, I’m certain their efforts will be fruitless dearGodwhydidIsay-
TRUMP: Fruitless. Exactly. Totally my point. Them. No fruits. Me. All the fruits. Therefore, they need fruits for their torts. Legal produce!
PENCE: Well regardless of…that…I’m certain this will lead nowhere.
TRUMP: Like your efforts to find melanin in your follicles. Still untrue. Don’t approve of what they’re doing. Total Witch Hunt!
CONWAY: WHO TOLD?!?!?!?!? THEY’LL NEVER GET ME!!! THE DARK COVEN SHALL REIGN SUPREME FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS!!!
TRUMP: Ok. Enough talking. Time for thumb rest. Then ordering mandrake and nightshade. Consult Necronomicon. Build defense against Dark Arts. Need to talk to Dumbledore about cabinet position. Secretary of Abracadabra. So good. So majestic. The best.
PENCE: Actually, sir, I don’t-
CONWAY: Just…just don’t. It’s been a long day for him.