BANNON: And then I responded, “Megyn, I said InfoWars, not InfoWhores!”
PENCE: Ha! That’s hilarious! But not the whores part because that would be a sin against our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and GAH!
TRUMP: You two. Quiet. Can’t you see I’m reading?
PENCE: Hence the “GAH.”
BANNON: Mr. President, two things – first, congratulations on discovering books!
TRUMP: Hate them. Waste of trees. Could be used to make money. Resource prioritization!
BANNON: Ok, optimism averted, and number two, may I ask what you’re reading?
PENCE: Wow I wasn’t expecting that. Thought it would be Garfield or something.
BANNON: I’m so happy that you’ve demonstrated an interest in the Bard, Mr. President! I’m certain you’ll love-
TRUMP: Hate him. Just awful. The worst.
BANNON: Then again maybe not.
PENCE: If I may ask, sir, why are you reading Shakespeare if you dislike his writing?
TRUMP: Heard about some play they’re running. Julius Caesar. Successful General. Emperor of Rome. CEO of Orange Julius. Stabbed in the back by his subordinates. Just the worst. Backstabbing employees. Need to hire employees that give you all their trust. That way, so much easier to spontaneously fire them. Never see it coming. Ninja Pink Slips!
PENCE: Allow me to reassure you sir that Bannon and I are 100% loyal to you and-
TRUMP: Uggghhh. Not worried about that. You two. So incompetent you couldn’t backstab if I handed you a knife and jumped back onto it. Annoyed about this play. Some actors in New York are mocking me by pretending I’m Julius Caesar. Can understand confusion. So similar. Caesar. Fought the Gauls. Returns to capital, makes himself dictator. Assassinated. Failure! Trump. Fought all of Europe on last trip. Defeated them. Returns to capital. Already president. Like dictator but with suits. So much better than togas. Left tries character assassination. Total failure! Trump character, best character.
BANNON: You most certainly are a character sir.
PENCE: Pardon me sir, but I still don’t understand why you’re upset about-
TRUMP: Two reasons. Number One: Play in New York wants to fantasize about having me killed. Ugh. Get in line. If I had a dollar for every person who wanted to kill me I’d…wait. Already do. And Letter B: Shakespeare. Such a bad writer. English clearly not his first language. Awful prose! Just the worst.
BANNON: I’m going to regret this, but what specifically are you-
TRUMP: Look at this. “To be or not to be, that is the question.” Ugh. Hamlet. So indecisive. Like O’Bombs and his Syria policy. Make a decision and do it. Trump Hamlet rewrite “Be. Done. Boom. Tremendous. Being. So good. Just the best.” Close curtain. Standing ovation. Wins a Tony or one of those other fruity awards where people get up to insult me.
PENCE: I believe the play they are performing in New York is Julius Caesar.
TRUMP: Another bad one. Listen to this. “Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ears.” by Mark Anthony. So bad. First, if they lend you their ears, how are they going to hear you? Medical logic! And B, why is Mark Anthony talking to Romans? Shouldn’t he be speaking to his wife J-Lo about their kids? Latino singers. Too busy toppling empires, not strengthening family. Need a wall!
PENCE: Sir, I don’t believe Marc Anthony and Ms. Lopez are-
BANNON: Just let it go Pence.
TRUMP: This one’s not bad. “Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em.” Twelfth Night. Trump greatness, all 3. Trump greatness, best greatness. Wouldn’t need twelve nights. Immediate greatness!
PENCE: Mr. President, while I understand how it could be upsetting that these actors are attempting to use Shakespeare to make a mockery of the office, I wouldn’t worry about them. This is sure to blow over into nothing.
BANNON: Indeed. After all, sir, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.”
TRUMP: As you like it.
BANNON: Correct Mr. President!
TRUMP: No, genius. I mean that’s probably how you like it. One guy playing all the parts. It means I have to do everything around here while you and the rest of this incompetent cabinet sits around doing nothing but playing. Hurly burly!
BANNON: Well, then, sir I apologize for-
TRUMP: Ugghh. So bored. Ok et tu Bannon, you and winterscalp of my discontent can leave. I have work to do. Got to send tweets mocking Shakespeare. This guy. Never going to make it as a writer. Not like Jim Davis. Literary genius!
TRUMP: The creator of Garfield? You two. So illiterate. Should read. Garfield. So good. Fat cat. Orange hair. Does nothing. The best. Model for humanity!