6/21/2017 – Orange Mitts of Masculinity

PENCE: Mr. President, Senator Marc Rubio is here. 

TRUMP: Good. Send him in.

RUBIO: Good-

TRUMP: Ugh. You. Despise everything about you. Like a ventriloquist dummy with even more artificial hair.  

RUBIO: After a careful assessment of the analytics I can assure you that I am not a ventroloqui-

TRUMP: Total dummy. Rich billionaire tells you what to think and say, you say it. Probably has his hand up you as well. Not sure. But you’re from Miami so it’s possible. Financial proctology exam!

RUBIO: Mr. Pre-

TRUMP: So why are you here? 

PENCE: You invited him sir. 

TRUMP: Would never invite him here. Dislike the man. Past dislike. It’s like here’s dislike and he went right past it like that Swiss mountain climber on Price is Right. Spay and neuter your pets!

PENCE: Why do you dislike him so much sir? 

TRUMP: Man made fun of my hands. Said I have small hands. Not true. Trump hands HUUUUGE. Trump hands best hands. Two mighty orange mitts of masculinity, groping all in their path. 

PENCE: I thought you promised never to use that verb again, sir.

TRUMP: Come on. I promised something. Like that’s going to stick.

PENCE: Fair enough I guess.

RUBIO: So Mr. Presi-

TRUMP: Totally remember why I invited you here now. Not to play Marco Polo.

RUBIO: Never heard that one before.

TRUMP: Probably why you lost in the primaries. Now you have to play that game to find your career. Boom. Sick burn. Trump burn. Just the best. Tremendous. Flammable mockery!  

RUBIO: *Sigh* Why AM I here, sir? 

TRUMP: You hugged my daughter.

RUBIO: Ah, I see, the paternal instincts are in place. I assure you sir, I am happily married and only intended a courteous greeting with-

TRUMP: You’re the worst hugger I’ve ever seen. Just awful. Like a robot having a seizure during an earthquake. While drunk. Catatonic affection!

RUBIO: So what does this have to-

TRUMP: If you’re going to work for me you need to know how to hug. 

RUBIO: I don’t work for-

TRUMP: So I brought Ivanka back to coach you through the hug. Ok. Here we go. Vonks! 

IVANKA: Uggghh. Dad. Marco. 

RUBIO: Hello Ivanka. I have to apologize for *OOOF*!

IVANKA: Dad! What are you-

TRUMP: Had to push him into you. No time to think. Thinking is the worst. So bad for you. 

RUBIO: Apparently. Can you let go? You have a remarkably good grip for someone with such small ha-

TRUMP: Finish that sentence and Seal Team Six visits your new boat for a “spontaneous exercise”. 

IVANKA: Dad, come on. He’s all up in my personal space. 

TRUMP: Come on, arms up, get them around her back, but if I see any bicep touching her breasts President Dad is going to introduce you his executive orders. Talking about my fists. Karate in Chief!

RUBIO: Is this acceptable?

IVANKA: This is gross. 

RUBIO: Gross? Ouch. 

TRUMP: You. Rubes. Turn your head to the side. Air kiss. Good. Now three quick pats on her back that say “I’m. Probably. Gay.” Better. There’s hope for you yet. Not much though because you’re Marco Rubio and I’m Trump. Trump hope best hope. Manifest destiny! 

RUBIO: Satisfied? 

IVANKA: I’m trying so hard not to knee all of you idiots in the nuts right now. 

PENCE: What did I do? 

IVANKA: Nothing. As usual. 

TRUMP: Pence burn! We ARE related. Genetic mockery!

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