TRUMP: Feel awful.
PENCE: Sir? What’s wrong?
TRUMP: That tweet I sent out about Mika Bruisedskinsee
TRUMP: Stop speaking French. Tweet was unfair. Feel awful about what I said.
PENCE: Which part? The part where you call her “Crazy Mika” or the part about her bleeding badly from a face lift while at Mar a Lago?
TRUMP: Not the crazy part. Look at her. She has the crazy eye. Seen that look a lot. Usually from crying women saying things like “Why did I just do that with him? I must have been crazy!” Can totally understand. Trump sex is mind blowing. Makes women nuts. Sexual lobotomy!
PENCE: I just can’t. It’s too early for this.
TRUMP: It’s happy hour somewhere.
PENCE: SO, to awkwardly change the subject-
TRUMP: Please. Everything you do is awkward. In dictionary under awkward it says, “See Pence.”
PENCE: -it sounds like you are upset about the face lift comment?
TRUMP: Exactly. Totally inappropriate. Shouldn’t have said it.
PENCE: Well I’m so happy to hear that after such a crass public statement like that you have the ability to show regret and-
TRUMP: Should have added context. Explained in follow up tweet that she needed facelift for being so ugly.
TRUMP: Don’t want people to get the wrong idea and assume she’s getting face lift just because she’s crazy. Psycho Joe Scarborough sure. Man’s so nuts he’d cut his nose off because his teeth told him to do it. Teeth. Can’t trust them. Always hiding behind the lips ready to backstab them. Deceptive molars!
PENCE: That…sounds like Mr. Scarborough I guess.
TRUMP: But not Crazy Mika. She’s getting face lift because she’s uglier than Obamacare and getting older. Starting to look like Jimmy Carter twenty years from now. Accurate description!
TRUMP: Trump descriptions best descriptions.
PENCE: I…think I’m going to back out of the oval office now.
TRUMP: Make sure you do it awkwardly. Can’t help to do it any other way but thought I’d remind you. Ugh. Just look at you move. About as graceful as a robot learning ballet from a water buffalo. Like a mime had sex with a cripple and you’re their unholy lovechild.
PENCE: I’ll just…let myself out…
TRUMP: Like your insides are fighting your outsides. Like you’re doing an interpretive dance of your brainwaves. Like your body is sending out Morse code saying “Help! I’m Mike Pence!”
PENCE: Dropped my phone…
TRUMP: Like you just discovered joints. Like your body is crying out in pain and trying to escape from your soul.
PENCE: Be back in an hour sir.
TRUMP: Ungainly kinesiology!