7/5/2017 – Mad Dog

PENCE: Mr. President, Secretary of Defense James Mattis is here. 

TRUMP: Tremendous. Good to see you. Love the Mad Dog nickname. Want to know how you got that.

MATTIS: Sir, I’m just here to say hello, be polite, and brutally destroy anyone who looks at me funny. 

TRUMP: Amazing. So good. Like Trump but with guns instead of money. Rich in ammo!

MATTIS: YOU LOOKING AT ME FUNNY PANSY BOY???

PENCE: No! No. I’m just-

MATTIS: Mr. President, we need to have a frank discussion about North Korea. 

TRUMP: Agree. Don’t think Frank is running North Korea but respect need to talk about him. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s egotistical dictators running a country with an iron fist and launching missiles wherever they want.

PENCE:

TRUMP: Go ahead Pence, say something. I’ll let you go home with Mattis.

MATTIS: THANK YOU SIR! I WILL BREAK HIS CANDY ASS AND TURN HIM INTO A MAN! YOU KEEP EYEING ME LITTLE MISS PENCEY I WILL CRUSH YOUR THROAT WITH MY BAD HAND.

PENCE: eep!

TRUMP: Can see why they call you Mad Dog. 

MATTIS: I don’t mean to be rude, Mr. President, but if we can jump into to my recommendation-

TRUMP: Boom. Go. Before you flip again.

MATTIS: I would strongly consider as a response to North Korea launching a test ICBM, that we initiate a diplomatic and rational round of stern negotiations followed by us KILLING EVERYONE IN THAT GOD FORSAKEN PENINSULA WITH AMERICAN MADE ROCKETS THAT SAY “GOOD MORNING KIM JONG-SCREWED! HERE’S A PATRIOTIC BOOT UP YOUR ASS!”

TRUMP: 

MATTIS: And then thanking them for his time and apologizing for any inconvenience we may have caused. 

TRUMP: You. Mad Dog. Polite one minute, raving lunatic the next. My new best friend. Half gentleman, half pit bull. Polite jugular attack! 

PENCE: Sir, I-

MATTIS: DON’T 

PENCE:

MATTIS: TALK

PENCE:

MATTIS: Please.

TRUMP: Have to admit. All this talk about blowing things up combined with humiliating Pence. The ol’ Trumpedo right now. Getting a little stiff. Just the best. Testosterone boost!

MATTIS: You should push the actual launch button sometime. You just get this rush and I tell you there’s nothing like it, sir.

TRUMP: Ever crush a small business with a team and lawyers and a check? Same feeling. So good. Just the best.

MATTIS: So what course of action will you pursue, Mr. President? 

TRUMP: The usual. Trumpimatum. Lanch a passive aggressive threat on Twitter, than do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

MATTIS: Sir, with all due respect, that’s the military equivalent of the Coast Guard. BLOW SOMETHING UP FOR CHRIST SAKE!

TRUMP: Relax, Mad Dog. Never forgot how it felt to drop 59 Tomahawk missiles into Syria. Just saying these things take time.

MATTIS: I can respect that sir. First Twitter, than Tomahawks. Got it. A solid plan, sir.

PENCE: If I can just-

MATTIS: NO! YOU! CAN’T!

PENCE:

TRUMP:

MATTIS:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

MATTIS: If you don’t mind. 

TRUMP: Yup, Trumpedo. 11% stiffer. Trumposterone!

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