PENCE: Mr. President, Secretary of Defense James Mattis is here.
TRUMP: Tremendous. Good to see you. Love the Mad Dog nickname. Want to know how you got that.
MATTIS: Sir, I’m just here to say hello, be polite, and brutally destroy anyone who looks at me funny.
TRUMP: Amazing. So good. Like Trump but with guns instead of money. Rich in ammo!
MATTIS: YOU LOOKING AT ME FUNNY PANSY BOY???
PENCE: No! No. I’m just-
MATTIS: Mr. President, we need to have a frank discussion about North Korea.
TRUMP: Agree. Don’t think Frank is running North Korea but respect need to talk about him. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s egotistical dictators running a country with an iron fist and launching missiles wherever they want.
PENCE:
TRUMP: Go ahead Pence, say something. I’ll let you go home with Mattis.
MATTIS: THANK YOU SIR! I WILL BREAK HIS CANDY ASS AND TURN HIM INTO A MAN! YOU KEEP EYEING ME LITTLE MISS PENCEY I WILL CRUSH YOUR THROAT WITH MY BAD HAND.
PENCE: eep!
TRUMP: Can see why they call you Mad Dog.
MATTIS: I don’t mean to be rude, Mr. President, but if we can jump into to my recommendation-
TRUMP: Boom. Go. Before you flip again.
MATTIS: I would strongly consider as a response to North Korea launching a test ICBM, that we initiate a diplomatic and rational round of stern negotiations followed by us KILLING EVERYONE IN THAT GOD FORSAKEN PENINSULA WITH AMERICAN MADE ROCKETS THAT SAY “GOOD MORNING KIM JONG-SCREWED! HERE’S A PATRIOTIC BOOT UP YOUR ASS!”
TRUMP:
MATTIS: And then thanking them for his time and apologizing for any inconvenience we may have caused.
TRUMP: You. Mad Dog. Polite one minute, raving lunatic the next. My new best friend. Half gentleman, half pit bull. Polite jugular attack!
PENCE: Sir, I-
MATTIS: DON’T
PENCE:
MATTIS: TALK
PENCE:
MATTIS: Please.
TRUMP: Have to admit. All this talk about blowing things up combined with humiliating Pence. The ol’ Trumpedo right now. Getting a little stiff. Just the best. Testosterone boost!
MATTIS: You should push the actual launch button sometime. You just get this rush and I tell you there’s nothing like it, sir.
TRUMP: Ever crush a small business with a team and lawyers and a check? Same feeling. So good. Just the best.
MATTIS: So what course of action will you pursue, Mr. President?
TRUMP: The usual. Trumpimatum. Lanch a passive aggressive threat on Twitter, than do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
MATTIS: Sir, with all due respect, that’s the military equivalent of the Coast Guard. BLOW SOMETHING UP FOR CHRIST SAKE!
TRUMP: Relax, Mad Dog. Never forgot how it felt to drop 59 Tomahawk missiles into Syria. Just saying these things take time.
MATTIS: I can respect that sir. First Twitter, than Tomahawks. Got it. A solid plan, sir.
PENCE: If I can just-
MATTIS: NO! YOU! CAN’T!
PENCE:
TRUMP:
MATTIS:
PENCE:
TRUMP:
MATTIS: If you don’t mind.
TRUMP: Yup, Trumpedo. 11% stiffer. Trumposterone!
