TRUMP: Big mistake. Shouldn’t have happened. Disgraceful!
IVANKA: What’s wrong, Dad?
TRUMP: You. But not you as a person, Vonks. Brilliant. Beautiful. Blonde. Totally perfect. My offspring, therefore infallible. Eugenic perfection!
IVANKA: Thanks, Dad, but you still seem upset about something.
TRUMP: Talking about you sitting in for me at the G20 summit. Why would you sit with the G20 leaders and take my place while I was out?”
IVANKA: Because you literally said “Sit with the G20 leaders and take my place while I’m out.
TRUMP: Makes sense. You’re like an even better version of me. Didn’t think that was possible, but nature finds a way to improve on perfection. Like the girl Terminator in Terminator 3. Robot with boobs!
IVANKA: Ok, first of all, ew, and second, why DID you step away from the table?
TRUMP: Had a meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Had to ask him about crucial state secrets.
IVANKA: What secrets?
TRUMP: How do Japanese contestants stay attached to that giant wheel on Ninja Warrior? Our contestants keep falling off. International disgrace!
IVANKA: Well I wouldn’t worry about the press, Dad. They’re going to grill you anyway.
TRUMP: True. So jealous. Fake news, real jealousy. Totally want to be me, because Trump life is best life. So good. Just the best. Tremendous.
IVANKA: And no worries about my role dad, the meeting I sat in on was very productive.
TRUMP: Which one did you sit in on?
IVANKA: I participated with the World Bank leaders to launch a public-private loan program that supports female entrepreneurs in developing countries.
TRUMP: I should have been there for that. What would you know about being a successful female businesswoman?
TRUMP: Help me spin that into making sense.
IVANKA: Got to admit. Dad, that’s a tall order.
TRUMP: You can do it Vonks. Believe in you.
IVANKA: Well, you…know more than anyone about…SUPPORTING…female entrepreneurs…thanks to…your professional and personal investment in ensuring women are successful in the business world?
TRUMP: Boom. Tremendous. Knew you could do it Vonks. Trump genes!
IVANKA: By the way dad, Don Junior said if he’s needed he could sit in for you as well.
TRUMP: No can do. Not the best Trump genes. Smart kid. Handsome. On the ball. But he’s brunette. Inferior follicles!
IVANKA: Well if you want to stick to a blonde supporting staff, you could always ask Eric to help.
TRUMP: Put Junior on the list.