7/10/2017 – Ninja Warrior

TRUMP: Big mistake. Shouldn’t have happened. Disgraceful!  

IVANKA: What’s wrong, Dad? 

TRUMP: You. But not you as a person, Vonks. Brilliant. Beautiful. Blonde. Totally perfect. My offspring, therefore infallible. Eugenic perfection!

IVANKA: Thanks, Dad, but you still seem upset about something.  

TRUMP: Talking about you sitting in for me at the G20 summit. Why would you sit with the G20 leaders and take my place while I was out?”

IVANKA: Because you literally said “Sit with the G20 leaders and take my place while I’m out.

TRUMP: Makes sense. You’re like an even better version of me. Didn’t think that was possible, but nature finds a way to improve on perfection. Like the girl Terminator in Terminator 3. Robot with boobs! 

IVANKA: Ok, first of all, ew, and second, why DID you step away from the table? 

TRUMP: Had a meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Had to ask him about crucial state secrets. 

IVANKA: What secrets? 

TRUMP: How do Japanese contestants stay attached to that giant wheel on Ninja Warrior? Our contestants keep falling off. International disgrace!

IVANKA: Well I wouldn’t worry about the press, Dad. They’re going to grill you anyway. 

TRUMP: True. So jealous. Fake news, real jealousy. Totally want to be me, because Trump life is best life. So good. Just the best. Tremendous. 

IVANKA: And no worries about my role dad, the meeting I sat in on was very productive. 

TRUMP: Which one did you sit in on? 

IVANKA: I participated with the World Bank leaders to launch a public-private loan program that supports female entrepreneurs in developing countries.

TRUMP: Uggghhhh!

IVANKA: What? 

TRUMP: I should have been there for that. What would you know about being a successful female businesswoman? 




TRUMP: Help me spin that into making sense. 

IVANKA: Got to admit. Dad, that’s a tall order. 

TRUMP: You can do it Vonks. Believe in you. 

IVANKA: Well, you…know more than anyone about…SUPPORTING…female entrepreneurs…thanks to…your professional and personal investment in ensuring women are successful in the business world?

TRUMP: Boom. Tremendous. Knew you could do it Vonks. Trump genes!

IVANKA: By the way dad, Don Junior said if he’s needed he could sit in for you as well. 

TRUMP: No can do. Not the best Trump genes. Smart kid. Handsome. On the ball. But he’s brunette. Inferior follicles!

IVANKA: Well if you want to stick to a blonde supporting staff, you could always ask Eric to help.



TRUMP: Put Junior on the list. 

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