7/11/2017 – Hair Gel Privileges

IVANKA: Donald Junior is outside, Dad. 

TRUMP: Uggghh. Send him in. So awful. Just the worst. Believe me. 

JUNIOR: Hey Dad. Look, I’m sorry that- 

TRUMP: You. Look at you. So much potential but so many stupid mistakes. What’s wrong with you?

JUNIOR: You. Look at you. So much potential but so many stupid mistakes. What’s wrong with you?

TRUMP: Appreciate looking for stuff to incriminate Clinton. But if I wanted to do that all I’d have to do is show a picture of her and say “This is Hillary Clinton.” Self explanatory incrimination!

JUNIOR: Appreciate looking for stuff to incriminate Clinton. But if I wanted to do that all I’d have to do is show a picture of her and say “This is Hillary Clinton.” Self explanatory incrimination!

TRUMP: Ok. What. What is this. I say something and you repeat it. Like hearing my words. So good. Trump words best words. Believe me. Need an explanation why he’s doing this. 

JUNIOR: Ok. What. What is this. I say something and you repeat it. Like hearing my words. So good. Trump words best words. Believe me. Need an explanation why he’s doing this. 

IVANKA: Sorry, Dad, he’s in Retweet mode. Everything you say he has to repeat verbatim. He can’t help it. 

TRUMP: Makes sense. Trump thoughts need to be retweeted. Crucial repetition!

 JUNIOR: Makes sense. Trump thoughts-

IVANKA: Twitter’s down!

JUNIOR: Cool. Sorry. Listen Dad, I had a phone call. It was the Russkies and they said, “Is this Donald Trump Junior?” And I said “Bingo! Who is this?” And they’re all like “This is Russia.” And I’m like “Cool! Hey Russia! Love your dressing!” And then they said “Hey, Trump guy, we have some cool stuff!” And I’m like “Sounds good, Russia! What stuff?” And Russia’s all up in my face like “We have stuff that makes Clinton look bad!” and I said “Bill or Hillary?” because you know these details matter, and then they pop back “Does it matter?” And then I’m all like “Not really.” So they shoot back “So are you in or out?” And I wrote back “Cool! Let’s see it!” And then we met and it was nothing and that was that!

TRUMP: Makes sense to me. Except I have no connections with Russia at all. Looks bad. Poor optics!

IVANKA: You literally have Vladimir Putin as Button 1 on your speed dial. 

TRUMP: Doesn’t count. Just means phone has connection with Putin, not me. Plausible deniability!

JUNIOR: So what happens now? 

TRUMP: First I send Tweet sending out explanation. Everybody will be fine. Believe me. Just the best explanation. Boom. Then I have to replace you. 

JUNIOR: What? Why, Dad?

TRUMP: Bad optics.

JUNIOR: Bad optics? I don’t- 

TRUMP: Bad optics. Who am I, Adolf Gaston Euden Fick? 

IVANKA: 

JUNIOR: 

TRUMP: The father of the modern contact lens? Does anyone read around here? 

JUNIOR: But, but I read your tweets…

TRUMP: Not good enough. Need a new thirtysomething family member who’s good looking and brilliant to defend my interests. 

IVANKA: Well, Dad, I mean I already have a full workload but-

TRUMP: You husband Jared Kushner. Sounds like a together guy. He can elaborate on my tweets. 

IVANKA: He’s already a senior adviser on your staff, Dad. 

TRUMP: Can’t use him then. Still can’t understand why you married a sandwich guy who touches kids. 

IVANKA: For the thousandth time, he’s not that Jared!

JUNIOR: Jeez Dad, if you want a family member to support your best interests why not just ask Eric?

TRUMP:

IVANKA:

JUNIOR:

TRUMP:

IVANKA:

JUNIOR:

TRUMP: You’re grounded for 2 weeks. No private planes and I’m taking your hair gel privileges. Then you can get back to work!

JUNIOR: Thanks Dad, and sorry, it won’t happen again.

IVANKA: I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t consider Eric, Dad. How bad could he be at it?

 TRUMP:

IVANKA:

JUNIOR:

TRUMP:

IVANKA:

JUNIOR:

TRUMP: Anyone else trying hard not to laugh?

IVANKA: Yup!

JUNIOR: Totally!

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