PENCE: Mr. President, um…well…
TRUMP: Go on. Spit it out. I already assumed it’s stupid if it’s coming from you. Nothing to lose!
PENCE: …SHE’S on the phone.
TRUMP: Uggghhhh. FINE. Let’s do this. You. Phone person. Speak.
CLINTON: Greetings incomprehensibly elected United States President. It is I, Hillary Clinton.
TRUMP: Yeah. Figured it was you. Let me guess. You’re doing a gloat call.
CLINTON: Indeed, orange human! I am providing you this conversation to mock your imminent political demise. Soon your connections with Russia will be revealed and the CLINTONING will rise!
TRUMP: You’re talking about that email chain from my boy Donnie Junior? Good kid. Smart. Handsome. On the ball. But brunette so imperfect. Follicularly flawed!
CLINTON: Your offspring shall be the…how does the human colloquialism go…smoking gun. And this gun is indeed smoking! And where there is smoke, there is fire! Soon all of your inappropriate interactions with Russia will be revealed!
TRUMP: Sorry, I forgot who I’m talking to. Is this Hillary Clinton, whose husband delivered a speech in Russia for a half a million dollars a couple of years ago?
CLINTON: What my male life mate does cannot be tied to-
TRUMP: Then you can’t say the same thing for my boy. Oh wait, am I talking to the woman, and I use that term in the broadest sense, who gave her approval to handing over 20% of our US uranium reserves to a Russia-controlled company through her foundation? And then didn’t disclose the transaction?
CLINTON: …what my foundation-
TRUMP: Then you can’t go after my business dealings either.
CLINTON: It matters not. If there are no ties directly to you or your business than your cabinet can easily be linked to-
TRUMP: Am I talking to the woman whose campaign chief John Podesta sat on the board of a company that received $35 million from the Russian government? Or am I talking to the woman who tried to get the Ukranian government to help her undermine my campaign?
TRUMP: But his emails.
TRUMP: Here’s the deal. You want to claim you have a smoking gun on me? Fine. You got it. Boom. Gun. Smoking. Tremendous. I have about a dozen smoking howitzers on you. Don’t get in an arms race with me, toots. You’ll trip over your own hypocrisy.
CLINTON: Somehow you are stimulating my logic circuits and I don’t understand why.
TRUMP: Well why don’t you go consult with an army of market research consultants to determine what you think and then call me back later? Trump mike dropped. Conversation over.
CLINTON: You won’t-
TRUMP: *Click* Boom. Tremendous.
PENCE: What you did….and then called her “toots”…I think I need go to clean my pants.
TRUMP: Can appreciate. Trump smackdown best smackdown.
PENCE: You…do realize, sir, that your accusations and reminders of Clinton’s ties to Russia change nothing about the damaging implications of Russia’s ties to your presidency, sir?
TRUMP: Got it. Believe me. But whenever I hired an executive I preferred people who were slightly corrupt screw-ups instead of totally corrupt competents. Can fix mistakes, can’t fix backstabbing. Unreachable knife!
PENCE: Did you…ever think about hiring competent individuals who weren’t corrupt?
TRUMP: Wow. Never thought you were that naive thinking those people really exist. Hey, go call Gandalf and Dumbledore or whatever fantasy world you call home and go get some resumes from these make believe candidates. Secretary Merlin!