8/17/2017 – Event Horizon

TRUMP: Ok. Racism in Charlottesville. Solved. Done. No more racism. Getting along! Time to move on.

PENCE: Sir, I don’t think that-

BANNON: Let it go, Pence. Anything else will just cause more damage. 

TRUMP: Ok. Back to business. With businessmen. Time to meet with CEO business council. Talk about business. With people who make business their business. CEO. Calm empathic organizers. Just the best. So good, believe me.

PENCE: Um, I don’t think that’s what CEO-

BANNON: Mr. President you don’t have anyone on the advisory council anymore. They all quit after what happened with your statements in Charlottesville. 


PENCE: Which you totally solved!

BANNON: God you are such a kiss-ass. 

TRUMP: CEOs. Cowardly enemies overwhelmed. Awful. Can’t be trusted even when I solved everything in Charlottesville. Just the worst, believe me.

PENCE: Actually, Charlottesville is still-

TRUMP: You. Troll man. Tell the CEOs they’re fired. 

BANNON: Um, sir, they…already resigned. 

TRUMP: Resigned. 

BANNON: Yes sir. 




BANNON: It means someone voluntarily stopped working for you and left. 

TRUMP: You. Listen to you. “Resigned”. Like that’s a word. You mean pre-fired. 

PENCE: I hesitate to ask, sir, but what exactly is the difference between resigned and pre-fired?

TRUMP: Pre-fired. Imaginary world you live in with elves and dragons and people who decide they’re not working with me anymore. Nobody wants to stop working for Trump. Trump boss best boss. So good. Just amazing. Believe me. Nonsensical! Pre-fired. People know they are about to be fired by me so they know they have to leave. Eliminates the hassle of having to fire them personally. Like express checkout at hotels. Very efficient, even though I don’t get to say “You’re fired.” Trump firings best firings, believe me. 

BANNON: So what I’m hearing is you are able to fire employees in the present and in the past before they even knew they were going to be fired?

TRUMP: I also fire employees in the future. Trump brain can fire employees across the whole space time continuum. Like a giant black hole, where time loses all meaning. 

PENCE: Sir, did…you just compare your brain to a black hole? 

TRUMP: Bingo. Nothing escapes the ol’ Trump noggin.

PENCE: I…don’t even know where the reality ends and the parody begins anymore. 

TRUMP: You got it. Trump event horizon. Spans all potential realities. Schrödinger’s brain! 

BANNON: If you’ll excuse me sir, I need to call Neil DeGrasse Tyson. And cry. A lot. 

TRUMP: Let him know he’s fired in 2019. Boom. Spacetime!

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