8/18/2017 – Full Bilbo

BANNON: Sir, I can’t believe you stood by those outdated and inaccurate facts about General Pershing!

PENCE: It was a nice story sir, but yes they were inaccurate. 

BANNON: Wow. Way to play to both sides, Pence.

TRUMP: Accuracy. Unimportant. Key thing is it shows how tough we need to be about controlling racism. Inaccurately tough!

BANNON: Sir, the press is going to kill you on this. How do you expect to win over the public?

TRUMP: Don’t need to win over the public. Never wanted to. Public loves to hate me, even if I’m effective, they’ll find something. Remember when they used to be all “Russia Russia Russia” and then “Guam Guam Guam”. Love affair regardless of final emotion. 

BANNON: Ok, fine, that’s…correct, but how can you avoid claims that you’re a racist when you’re on TV and the internet defending Nazis? 

TRUMP: Not defending Nazis. Sick of both sides. Both sides mean one side is Nazis, other side is liberal Antifa rioters. Rioting. Never good. Respect for fellow man is paramount despite fundamental differences in belief system. Plus, can’t support property damage. Hotel values. So important. Tremendous. When I say White Nationalists are very fine people, doesn’t mean I support their Nazi stance. Means I believe in the fundamental good nature of all folks despite their incorrect moral stance. Heart of gold! Except for Pence there. Ugh. Can’t trust man with no hair color. Pick a side. 

BANNON: Oh crap. 

PENCE: What? 

BANNON: He answered two impossible corrections correctly. If he answers a third-

TRUMP: Troll man loses power and goes back to under his bridge. Boom. 

PENCE: So just don’t ask a third.

BANNON: It doesn’t work that way fauxbino! I’m locked in now!

TRUMP: Fauxbino. Angry about that. Angry that I didn’t think of that first. Like albino but fake because not real albino. But still looks like one. Fauxbino. So good. Tremendous.

BANNON:

TRUMP:

BANNON:

TRUMP: Go ahead troll boy. 

BANNON: Ah. I got it. How can you sleep at night? No…he’ll say he’s rich. Do you have a real plan for this country? No, no. He’ll believe he does and it’ll technically be correct. Think Bannon think!

TRUMP: Out with it. Getting tired of waiting. Presidents don’t have to wait. 

BANNON: Aha! What…do I have…in my pocket?

PENCE: Did you just go full Bilbo on him?

BANNON: Shut up Pence. 

TRUMP: I think I want to say the ring of Sauron. Your precious. 

BANNON: Phew. That was close. Ok two out of three, Mr. President. Nice try but you’re not getting rid of me that easily.

TRUMP: Slow down crepe face. Said I think I want to say that. Not a true reply. I already know what you have in there. 

BANNON: What? 

TRUMP: Jewish porn. 

BANNON: AACCCKKK! I’M MELTING!!!! MEEELLLLTINNNNG! MEEELLLLTINNNNG!

TRUMP: Based on your face, I’d say it already started. 

PENCE: What the….he’s a puddle now.

TRUMP: Not him. Just his flopsweat. He dropped through the floor. He’ll be back under a bridge by nightfall. 

PENCE: So I…guess you fired him, sir. 

TRUMP: Not just any firing. A Trump firing. So good. Just the best. Definitely one of the top 5 fires. Ranks right up there with La Toya Jackson, Dee Snider, and Gary Busey. Tremendous. Believe me.

PENCE: How did you know what was in his pocket?

TRUMP: Nobody can be that anti-Semitic and not have a fetish.

PENCE: Oh, like you and-

TRUMP: Watch it fauxbino. God. Love that line. SO good!

PENCE: What now sir? 

TRUMP: Same a always, just less Bannon. It’s just you and me now Pence. Now you get all my attention. 

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Shit.

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