8/21/2017 – Eclipse

PENCE: Mr. President, I was praying to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ last night-

TRUMP: YOUR Lord and Savior. Trump is president, therefore superior. Don’t recall Jesus winning any elections. Low energy Messiah!

PENCE: Be that as it may, sir, I prayed with all of my heart and soul as I always do, and something amazing happened!

TRUMP: You found some brown hairs and a spine. Amazing. Just tremendous. Sarcasm!

PENCE: No sir. Jesus responded!

TRUMP: You have my attention. Assuming you told him, yes, your boss would be happy to accept his application for Mar a Lago, right? Jesus. Potential member. But no walking on water if golf ball goes into lake. Messianic handicap!

PENCE: No, sir, he told me that…well…

TRUMP: Out with it fauxbino. So good, fauxbino. Just the best. 

PENCE: He said that his Father, you know…GOD…would send a sign whether you should resign from the presidency or not today. 

TRUMP: You. Whitest of the white. Elaborate. 

PENCE: Well, HE said if you should remain President, golden rainbows will cross the sky and a flock of bald eagles will fly above the White House. 

TRUMP: Ughhh. They’ll probably crap on the roof. 

PENCE: And if you should resign…well…

TRUMP: Out with it. 

PENCE: Total eclipse. 

DeVOS: Hey Pence, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: Unpossible. Eclipse. Never happen. Only eclipse I’ve ever seen is Ben Carson walking in front of you. 

CARSON: I can do that right now if you want. 

TRUMP: Gah! A boring eclipse! 

CARSON: The Sumerians invented the eclipse but the empire was destroyed when it destroyed their sundial. 

TRUMP: Didn’t think you could possibly-

PENCE: Look! The sky! It’s getting dark!

DeVOS: THE ETERNAL NIGHT HAS BEGUN! THE DARK LORD SHALL RISE FROM THE NETHER REALMS AND BATHE IN RIVERS OF BLOOD!

PENCE: OR it’s a sign from GOD that you should resign Mr. President! You should do it now!

DeVOS: ALL HAIL THE NIGHT KING OF-

CARSON: And it’s done. 

PENCE: What? NO! COME BACK! I was so close!

TRUMP: Ugghhh. Worst eclipse ever. Dealt with antifa marches longer than that. 

CARSON: I speak fluent Sumerian. It’s like Akkadian but with a creole accent. 

DeVOS: WHERE IS THE DARK LORD? WHY HAS HE NOT COME? 

CARSON: Maybe he’s here already?

TRUMP:

PENCE:

DeVOS: 

CARSON:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

DeVOS:

CARSON: Don’t look at me you racist pricks. 

PENCE: NO! No. Wasn’t looking at you Ben. It’s…what’s behind you.

ORB: *cough*

TRUMP: Nice try Orb. Don’t think Alexa on steroids here is some sort of devil. Alexa. Far more evil. Always listening. Even while me and Melania are going at it. 

PENCE:

DeVOS:

CARSON:

TRUMP: The two of us. Totally naked. Just slapping our-

PENCE: EW!

DeVOS: Satan’s tail, the mental image!! GAK!

CARSON: Sexual intercourse is a natural biological phenomenon. 

TRUMP: See? Carson. Man of science. Rational mind!

CARSON: I’m a Pegasus. 

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