TRUMP: Dear Mitch McConnell. You. Not doing job. So awful. More like Bitch McConnell how everyone is walking all over you. Also. You. Not an owl. Or maybe you are since you can’t pass human health care. Trans-species failure!
TRUMP: Dear O’Bombs. Just wanted to drop a quick note and say thanks. For nothing. Absence of gratitude. Bad President. Just the worst. So bad. Shameful!
PENCE: Sir, what are you-
TRUMP: Dear Paul Ryan. You. Jock boy. Drop the dumbbells and fix the debt. Want to show how strong you are? Clean and press the debt ceiling. Needs a raise! Flabby politics!
PENCE: Sir, what are you doing?
TRUMP: Sending out notes. Dear Hillary. You suck and you lost. Always a loser. Forever. PRESIDENT Donald Trump. So good. Just the best.
PENCE: Mr. President, maybe it would be in everyone’s best interest if you paused on the Twitter messages.
TRUMP: Not doing Twitter. Sending out Christmas cards.
PENCE: But it’s August sir.
TRUMP: Need to get started early. So many people to reach out to. Trump. Very popular. So popular. The most popular. Just the best. Need to build rapport. Relationship building. So important. Networking!
PENCE: Well, I guess that kind of makes-
TRUMP: Dear Pence. Vice President with no vices. Makes no sense. Just the worst excuse of a human. Hair is white because brain fuel is empty. Horrible person. Disgrace to humanity.
TRUMP: Dear Hair Master Neil Gorsuch. Congrats again on your appointment to the Supreme Court. So good.
PENCE: Oh come on.
TRUMP: And thank you for sharing your perfect coif with us during the Winter Holidays. Your hair. So good. Just the second best. Trump hair best hair. Gorsuch hair close second. Tremendous. Proof that Santa is real. Christmas miracle!
PENCE: Oh come on!
TRUMP: Not like Pence hair. Just a barren wasteland of failed follicles. Horrible scalp. Like the hand of God cursed him for some crime against humanity. Blighted wasteland!
PENCE: OH COME ON!