8/28/2017 – Category 5 Nightmare

PENCE: Mr. President, Hurricane Harvey is devastating Houston!

TRUMP: Who’s this now? 

PENCE: Hurricane Harvey. 

TRUMP: Need to talk to Vince McMahon. Didn’t approve a new Intercontinental Champion. Need updates! 

PENCE: Wha-no! No sir. This is an actual hurricane. You know the ones that dump rain and flood cities. It’s a crisis sir. 

TRUMP: Uggghhh. Hate crises. Get in the way of my League of Legends time. Going to beat Putin this time with Blitzcrank. Solid strategy!

PENCE: You really should do something bold about the hurricane right now sir. You know that the Chinese say about a crisis…

TRUMP: Does it have anything to do with Blitzcrank?

PENCE: …no.

TRUMP: Then don’t really care. 

PENCE: A crisis is an opportunity sir, and this is YOUR opportunity to show the public what a take charge guy you are! 

TRUMP: Already denounced North Korea. Guam threats. So weak. Just the worst.

PENCE: Sir, in the public’s eye that’s a year ago. Any action you take while Houston is flooding will reflect on the fitness of your presidency!

TRUMP: Uggghhh. FINE. Ok. Hold on. Hit send…done.

PENCE: You…didn’t just send a Tweet did you?

TRUMP: Of course not.

PENCE: Oh good. Thanks the Lord and Savior Je-

TRUMP: Just sent an email. Pardoned Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Tough on undocumented immigrants. My kind of guy!

PENCE: What does that have to do with-

TRUMP: Getting rid of the immigrants will reduce the population in Houston. Fewer people to save.


TRUMP: So good.

PENCE: The fact that I can see the convoluted tracks on that logic train proves the brain damage is taking. I can’t…what are you…you just Tweeted didn’t you. 

TRUMP: Boom. Just recommended a book by Sheriff David Clarke. So good. Just tremendous. Believe me. 

PENCE: Ok. Ok. First of all, did you read this book?


PENCE: No shocker there, and why are you supporting a book from a guy who’s accused of abusing his power and authority? 




PENCE: Ok, never mind on that. Seems self explanatory. 

TRUMP: Boom. Look at you with the learning. Hope for you yet. 

PENCE: Mr. President, you still need to do something for the Houston folks!

TRUMP: Look. Winterfell head. FEMAs handling everything. As good as if not better than when O’Bombs and Papa Low Energy were in office. What am I going to do to speed up rescue efforts? We both know I’d just be in the way. 

PENCE: That’s…actually a far point.

TRUMP: Fine. I’ll do something Presidential. Hold on…hit send…boom.

PENCE: I hesitate to ask, but…what did you…

TRUMP: Just approved rearming the police with military gear. No matter what I do there’s going to be marches after the hurricane. Somehow Antifa will make the hurricane racist and I’ll be Hurricane Hitler, no matter how effective the rescue efforts. Might as well get a head start on the riots. 


TRUMP: You’re in awe of my disturbingly accurate foresight and complete lack of foresight at the same time. 

PENCE: …yes. 

TRUMP: Why don’t you go work it out. Have to talk to Vince McMahon now. You. Vince. Speak. Got a couple of new wrestler names for you. The Houston Hammer. Good. Glad to hear it. Also got a Hurricane Hitler for you. Can call them the H team. Good. Tremendous. 

PENCE: I’m in a category 5 nightmare. 

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