8/29/2017 – Filipinos

PENCE: Mr. President, Pastor Joel Osteen is on the phone. 

TRUMP: Tremendous. You. Joel. Speak. 

OSTEEN: God bless you Mr. President. First I want to say it is a blessed-

TRUMP: Uggggggghhhhhh. Don’t need the Godspeak. Already President. Just as good. Two questions. You answer. Boom. 

OSTEEN: …well…certainly Mr. President. 

TRUMP: Ok. One. What’s this I’m hearing about you not opening the doors on your megachurch in Houston when we need all the shelters we can get? 

OSTEEN: Bless your heart Mr. President. Allow me to explain that as it says in Philippians 2:4 “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also the interests of others.” So until we are certain that the church has not been damaged by the flood we can’t at this time-

TRUMP: Don’t care what the Filipinos are doing. Filipinos. Great people. Just the best. Like Koreans but with better pork dishes. Tremendous. 

OSTEEN: Mr. President, with all due respect-

TRUMP: Thought you were going to shoot me a Galatians 6:2. “Bear one another’s burdens, and-“

OSTEEN: “-so fulfill the law of Christ.” Impressive Mr. President! I didn’t think that you knew the Lord’s teachings so-

TRUMP: Or maybe a Proverbs 19:17. “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord-“

OSTEEN: “-and he will repay him for his deed.” Amazing, Mr. President!

TRUMP: Can’t understand why a guy like you would keep that HUUUUGE church closed while in John 3:17 it clearly states “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him-“

OSTEEN: “-how does God’s love abide in him?” Amazing Mr. President, I must say I am rightly impressed by your knowledge of the Good Book!

PENCE: Broken clock, Pastor Osteen. Don’t know how he does it but he’s super brilliant twice a day. And then-

TRUMP: Number 2. When is Superman showing up? 



OSTEEN: I…I don’t…

TRUMP: Your boy. Superman. When is he showing up to help in Houston? Come on Jor-El, don’t tell me you lost his number. That would be so bad. Total Clinton move. Have the info until the investigations start. Convenient loss!

PENCE: Right on time.

OSTEEN: My…my name’s not…

TRUMP: Superman. Best superhero ever. Red cape. Has to go. Just the worst. Needs fashion redesign. Donald Trump signature classic suit and tie. Save the world in style. Just the best. Heroic. Trendy. So good, believe me.

OSTEEN: I’m going to go…open the doors to my church and let everyone in now. And hope I never have another conversation like this again. God bless you Mr. President. It…sounds like you need it. May the Lord Bless you Mr. President…Vice President Pence…

PENCE: That was amazing, sir! How did you know those quotes from the Bible? 

TRUMP:  That’s all I hear from the protesters outside Trump tower when I don’t take care of the homeless. Homeless. Just awful. So lazy. Should just go buy a home and live in it. Problem solved!

PENCE: Aaaand we are back. 

TRUMP: Keep me posted. Need to know when he arrives. 

PENCE: Who? 

TRUMP: Superman. So lazy. Can’t believe it’s been half a year and he still hasn’t shown up. Have lots of things I need him to do. 

PENCE: You’re correct sir, I can’t believe it’s been half a year. Feels like a hundred. 

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