PENCE: Something I can help you with, sir?
TRUMP: No. There is nothing you can help with. Totally useless. Just the idea of you. If you were a giant cup and use was a liquid, you’d be empty. If use was a food-
PENCE: Is there something you’d like to complain about sir?
TRUMP: Harvey flood. Awful. Just the worst. Horrible situation. Dozens killed. Thousands displaced. Tragedy!
PENCE: It is, sir. Reminiscent of Katrina back in the-
TRUMP: No one is paying attention to me.
TRUMP: Spotlight. Right here. Needs to stay here. Primary focus!
TRUMP: I have that effect on people.
PENCE: I can’t believe I’m-
MATTIS: OUT OF THE WAY FAIRYBOY I NEED TO TALK TO THE BIG MAN.
TRUMP: Eeep. Can hear the testosterone leaving. Just the worst. You. Mad Dog. Speak.
MATTIS: NORTH KOREA JUST SHOT A MISSLE OVER JAPAN NOW CAN WE KILL THEM ALL CAN WE CAN WE CAN WE???
TRUMP: Nah. Too much money. Need to save it for Mar a Lago trips. Mar a Lago. So good. Mexicans taking care of me and the grass, but the good ones, not the wall ones. Need to categorize!
MATTIS: WELL YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING SIR!!!
TRUMP: Totally will. Trumpimatum. Tweet threatening North Korea, vague threat, with no repurcussions. Focus on me. The best! Co classy. Believe me.
PENCE: Sir, about the flood victims, maybe we should-
TRUMP: Maybe you should go get a giant sponge and start cleaning up the place. Here. Take this. Million dollar check. Boom. Trump generosity best generosity. So good.
PENCE: That…actually IS pretty generous sir. I’m kind of impressed.
TRUMP; Found it in my laundry with my old pants. Think I have a few of those lying around. Mattis. You want a few stealth bombers?
MATTIS: ALMOST AS MUCH AS I WANT TO STRANGLE THE WHITE HAIRED GIRLYBOY YOU GOT PRANCING AROUND HERE!!!
TRUMP: Check between the seats in my couch upstairs. Sure I have a few billion in loose change between the cushions. Trump change best change. Believe me.
PENCE: Your petty cash is other people’s hopes and dreams sir.
TRUMP: That reminds me. Need to block that proposal thing from O’Bombs where black women get as much money as white men. Absurd!
PENCE: …and your brain is the stuff of nightmares.
TRUMP: Trump nightmares best nightmares. So classy so good.