9/12/2017 – Grammar Bigly!

PENCE: Mr. President your new communications director is here. 

IVANKA: She’s awesome dad, I think you’ll like her. 

TRUMP: Don’t need a communications director, Vonks. Trump already know how to direct communications. Trump. So good at communicating. Sentences the best. Grammar bigly!

PENCE: Riiiight…well she’ll be replacing Anthony Scaramucci. 

TRUMP: Never liked that guy. Annoying Wall Street guy with huge ego. It was all about him. Ridiculous hair. Constantly running off at the mouth. Insulting coworkers. Who could deal with a guy like that? 

PENCE: You’re kidding. 

IVANKA: Dad, I know you’ll like Hope Hicks. She’s right outside your door waiting to come in. 

TRUMP: Uggghhh. Why are we hiring someone named Hicks? Thought I already won the Southern vote. Don’t need to pander!

PENCE: Mr. President, she’s been on your staff for quite a while. 

IVANKA: Here she is dad. Now be nice!

HICKS: Good morning, Mr. Trump! Thank you again for the opportunity to-

TRUMP: Vonks, why didn’t you tell me it was your friend, the hot one, Hope? Of course I know her. Been keeping a close eye on her. A very close eye.

IVANKA: Daaaaad! Ewww that’s just gross!

HICKS: It’s ok Ivanka, it’s true I am a former model. I’m comfortable with admitting I’ve been blessed with good genes from my family.

TRUMP: Just like Vonks here. Two models, standing in front of Trump. Totally not thinking about having sex with one of you.


HICKS: Mr. Pence, it’s fine. I dealt with this in the modeling industry. It’s not the first time a man accidentally acknowledged his sexual attractiveness to me. I’m flattered. 

TRUMP:  Sure. Talking about you. Totally. 

IVANKA: Ok, Dad. First of all, ew. Second, you were going to tell her about the job?

TRUMP: Sure. Few ground rules. Have to give you a nickname. Like Spicey or Mooch, but better. 

HICKS: You used to call me Hopester and Hopie sir. 

TRUMP: Need to level those up. New nicknames. The Hicksterminator. No. Too much Arnold in that. The Worst. Hickleback. No. Awful band. Can’t relate. Got it. Hope Chi Minh Pretty. Boom. 

IVANKA: Dad, I don’t think nicknames are that important. 

TRUMP: Listen Vonks, nicknames like Indian names. The woo woo casino kind, not the dothead kind. Like our spirit animal. Soulful!

PENCE: The woo woo casino kind. Dear Lord.

HICKS: Anything else I need to know about my new position Mr. Trump?

TRUMP: When you’re in front of the mikes, unbutton two buttons on your blouse.

HICKS: Understood, sir.


TRUMP: As a distraction. Need to throw off audience. Exhibit A. This hair. Look at it. So amazing. Gold. Natural. Shimmering. Like a beacon of follicular hope to scalp challenged masses. So amazing. Never mind I ordered a nuclear strike on North Korea. Enjoy the natural sheen of this ‘do. So good, so attention focused, believe me.

HICKS: My breasts are ready to serve the common good.

PENCE: This conversation is not happening. 

IVANKA: Dad, if you touch her I’ll-

TRUMP:  Relax, Vonks. She’s hot but I’m not interested. Not Eastern European enough. Looks like a more attractive Maria Shriver. Last thing I need is to think about Schwarzenegger during sex. 

PENCE: Dear Lord I can’t. 

IVANKA: Just so much ew. 

TRUMP: Check that. Make that not think about Schwarzenegger AGAIN during sex. 

PENCE: Still can’t!

IVANKA: More ew!


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