PENCE: Mr. President, Ms. Clinton’s new book is out now.
DeVOS: It’s called “What Happened”
TRUMP: Uggghhh. Worst name for a book. Tell you what happened. Trump happened. Boom. Done. Simple results!
PENCE: It’s pretty much what you’d expect, sir. She basically blames everyone but herself and her shortcomings for the loss.
TRUMP: Clinton shortcomings. So redundant. Should be called longcomings. Too many!
DeVOS: Pressing on and ignoring how semi-perverted that sounded, are there any interesting quotes from the book, Mike?
PENCE: Sure. She actually does have some interesting nuggets other than her blamefest. Here’s one: “I aim very high, and then I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing to get what I’m after. Sometimes I settle for less than I sought, but in most cases I still end up with what I want.”
TRUMP: Uggghhh. So awful. Pushy and stubborn. So bad. Need to negotiate. Trump negotiations best negotiations. Give and take! For me though take and take. So good. Believe me.
PENCE: Here’s another one: ” If you plan for the worst— if you can live with the worst— the good will always take care of itself.”
TRUMP: Just the worst advice you can give. So pessimistic. Need to shoot for the top. Failure won’t happen if you don’t believe in it. Laser focused on success!
PENCE: I actually like her approach to team building. Here listen to this: “I have a very simple rule when it comes to management: hire the best people from your competitors, pay them more than they were earning, and give them bonuses and incentives based on their performance. That’s how you build a first-class operation.”
TRUMP: Horrible approach. Don’t need people outperforming leader. Sends the wrong message. Subordinates need to do their job and know their place. Look around here. Exhibit A. Mediocrity! And why hire from competitors? How do you trust the loyalty of someone who’s willing to leave their team for a few extra dollars? So wrong. Just the worst.
PENCE: So based on what you’ve heard do you have any quotes about the book for the public, sir?
TRUMP: Press quote. New book. Awful advice, horrible information. Terrible prose. So bad. Throw out as fast as you can. Waste of paper!
PENCE: Betsy and I will get back to work now.
TRUMP: Good. Need to clear my mind of those quotes. So bad!
DeVOS: I agree. That was some awful advice. But I don’t recall those quotes in her book.
PENCE: That’s because they were from his book The Art of the Deal.
DeVOS: Wow. That was mean, Mike.
PENCE: You’re talking about the guy who asked me since my hair is the Arctic are my pubic hairs white like Antarctica. Somehow I’ll sleep tonight.