9/20/2017 – Rumplepenis

PENCE: Sir, Chief of Staff John Kelly is here. 

TRUMP: Who? 

PENCE: He’s the successor to Reince Priebus. 

TRUMP: Rank Fetus? 

PENCE: Reince Priebus. 

TRUMP: Rumplepenis? 

PENCE: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Rinsed Prius? 

PENCE: …*sigh*. Yes. The new guy who replaced the old guy is here and wants to talk to you. 

TRUMP: Sure. Bring him in. 

KELLY: Mr. President, I-

TRUMP: Hold it. You. Tell me the name of the guy who replaced you. 

KELLY: Reince-

TRUMP: Peerless. 

KELLY: …riiight. Mr. President, permission to segue. 




KELLY: It means move on to a new topic. 

TRUMP: Knew that. Go ahead and move on. 

KELLY: With all due respect sir, what the hell were you thinking? 

TRUMP: Well, I figured if Jake the Snake Roberts had to fight Ricky the Dragon Steamboat for the Intercontinental-

KELLY: I meant at the UN yesterday. 

TRUMP: What about it? 

KELLY: You threatened. Complete. Destruction. Of North Korea.

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You. Don’t be one of those people. Saying a sentence but adding a bunch of periods to pretend your emphasizing something but all you’re really doing is emphasizing what a total choad you are. Economical grammar!

KELLY: Sir, how the hell can you stand in front of, well, THE WORLD and threaten to obliterate a country that is developing nuclear weapons? 

TRUMP: Benny Yahoo loved it. 

KELLY: Sir, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu is paid by us to love you!

TRUMP: Don’t care who signs the checks. A good tweet is a good tweet. Not as good as Trump tweet. Trump tweet best tweet. So good. Tremendous. Believe me. 

KELLY: I don’t know how I’m going to smooth things over.

TRUMP: Ranch Peels would know what to do.

KELLY: Sir, Mr. Priebus is not here anymore!

TRUMP: Uggghhh FINE. Next time I do totally the right thing and you disagree, just stand up after me and say “That’s our Trump!” do the loony finger circle hand gesture and walk off. 

KELLY: I…I can do that?

TRUMP: Sure if you don’t mind ending up in bunker 337 in Prague. 




TRUMP: The one with the goats.

KELLY: …noted sir. Unquestioning servitude it is.

PENCE: Mr. President, Elton John is on line 5, something about calling Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man”. He’s not happy.

TRUMP:  HE’S not happy? What about all the libs calling me an American Idiot? Did they get clearance from Green Day? Pop punk hypocrisy!

PENCE: Somehow I think Green Day would be ok with that. 

TRUMP: Elton. You. Listen. Only need Rocket Man for a few more weeks. Why? Well, let’s just say Benny and the Jets are going to be touring a certain country pretty soon. No? What about Candle in the Wind? Get it? It’s like a giant candle, flying through the air, and…ok. Look Elton don’t go breaking my heart here. 

PENCE: I guess that’s why they call it the blues. 

KELLY: Dear Lord, please don’t let the sun go down on me.

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