PENCE: I’m sorry you had to go through that, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Glad you understand. Awful. Just the worst. I mean look at you. That hair. Terrible. Like staring at a lightbulb made of stupid. Good to know you understand how bad the experience is. Sad!
PENCE: I, um, meant all the NFL protests yesterday.
TRUMP: What protests?
PENCE: You mean you didn’t-
TRUMP: What are we talking about here? I’m going to look to the side because your scalp is burning my retinas. Reflective follicles!
PENCE: Oh, well, after you called the NFL players that didn’t stand for the national anthem a…and these are your words sir…a ‘son of a bitch’, they stood united during the national anthem in protest against you. Locking arms, kneeling, not coming out for the anthem…basically just a unanimous show of protest against your words.
TRUMP: Tremendous. So good.
PENCE: Sir? I didn’t expect that you’d-
TRUMP: Think about it, SPF 200. What am I better at than anything else?
PENCE: Well, you’re a successful businessman, an outstanding father and grandfather, you’re an outstanding President who cares about-
TRUMP: You. Such a brown nose. Like you’re snorting fudge. Already know Trump is best at everything. Trump skills best skills believe me. So good. But Trump has one skill better than even his best skills, which are all the best.
PENCE: And what skill would that be, sir?
TRUMP: Uniting people against me. Old and young. Men and women. White people and not white people. Conservatives and idiots. Military and civilians. Those who think Trump is amazing and those who think Trump is amazing but don’t want to admit it. All of them against me for one major reason.
PENCE: Because they think you’re wrong about key issues and your flagrant disreagard of-
TRUMP: They’re jealous. All of them.
TRUMP: Want to be Trump but can’t be Trump. So frustrating. But wouldn’t know because Trump is Trump. And it’s so good. So good. Tremendous. Just the best, believe me. But all you can do is believe me since you can’t be me. Existential paradox!
PENCE: So it’s good that everyone is against you.
TRUMP: You. Look at you. Learning something. All I have to do is upset a group and both sides will come together. Are the NFL executives and players united for once instead of constantly fighting?
PENCE: Wow. I have to admit, that’s actually true. You actually got the players and owners on the same page.
TRUMP: Trump jealousy is an amazing force.
PENCE: Is it possible though sir, that this is a unique situation.
TRUMP: Ok. Watch this. Me. Phone. Twitter.
PENCE: Oh no.
TRUMP: …and done.
PENCE: I’m scared to ask, but…what did-
TRUMP: Just insulted Koreans. Called them the worst people. Not North or South. Just Korea.
PENCE: Mad Dog Mattis? What are-
MATTIS: SHUT UP GIRLYBOY DON’T MAKE ME RIP OUT YOUR THROAT GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!! MR. PRESIDENT BIG NEWS!
TRUMP: North and South Korea are in peace talks and uniting against me?
MATTIS: THAT’S AMAZING SIR HOW DID YOU KNOW?
TRUMP: Just a hunch.
MATTIS: CONGRATULATIONS MR. PRESIDENT!
TRUMP: It won’t last.
PENCE: Why not?
MATTIS: SHUT UP PENCE MEN ARE TALKING! WHY NOT SIR?
TRUMP: Rocket Man. He’ll screw things up. Rest of world. So jealous of Rocket Man. Will end up hating him. Can totally relate. Rocket Man. Like Trump but less attractive, less money, and less attractive daughters. Only Trump can be Trump. Trump existence, best existence, believe me. Only one!
PENCE: Thank the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for that.
TRUMP: Up next. Kardashian tweet. Need to get them on the same page.
PENCE: Some things may be even beyond your power, sir.