9/29/2017 – BLUMP

TRUMP: Uggghhh.

PENCE: Mr. President? Are you ok?

DeVOS: You don’t seem well sir.

TRUMP: In a dilemma. Don’t know what to do. Stimied!

DeVOS: I’m surprised Mr. President, you usually have an answer for everything!

PENCE: Regardless of whether it’s right or wrong. 

DeVOS: Shhh.

TRUMP: Stumped by this whole Puerto Rico thing. Don’t know what to do.

PENCE: What seems to be the problem, sir? 

TRUMP: I’ll tell you, but don’t expect an answer. Trump. All the answers. Pence. No answers. Just questions and a lack of hair color. Anti-Rogaine!

DeVOS: Understood, sir, Pence has no hair color, and you are stumped about Puerto Rico because…

TRUMP: Supplies. Got there. Approved waiver on Jones Act to ease shipping rules to the island. Doesn’t matter!

PENCE: Why doesn’t it-

TRUMP: Supplies stuck in port. Forgot one key issue to help save Puerto Rico problem. 

PENCE: And what would that be? 

TRUMP: Unloading boats. Awful job. Need Puerto Ricans to do awful job. Like they do here. Cleaning toilets. Gardening. Roofing. So Puerto Rican. So good. Like Mexicans but acceptable. Superior Hispanics!

PENCE: Sir, um, two points. First…wow. That may be a new low. 

TRUMP: Wait. Can go lower. Ethical limbo stick!

PENCE: And second, if there’s no Puerto Ricans to do the unloading, isn’t there some other group that can do it. 

TRUMP: Boom. Great idea. Not your idea but my idea because I’m thinking about it. If Puerto Ricans can’t do awful job, there’s always two Mexicans who can. Problem solved!

PENCE: …and the limbo stick lowers. 

DeVOS: Mr. President, there might be a slight problem with that. The Gulf of Mexico. 

TRUMP: You. Gulf. Sounds like Golf which is good. Explain. 

DeVOS: Well, it’s this giant mass of water where-

PENCE: It’s basically a giant wall of water keeping the Mexicans out of Puerto Rico. 

TRUMP: Got it. Awful. Not good. Out of options. 

PENCE: You could…pay people to travel to Puerto Rico to help out. 

TRUMP: Pay people. 

PENCE: Yes sir. Pay people. 

TRUMP: Explain. 

PENCE: Ok…you give money to-

TRUMP: Stop. Not a good plan. 

DeVOS: Well then who would have ideas?

TRUMP: Only one person. Blump. Don King. Black Trump. Blump. Has all the answers. Almost as good as Trump, but not Trump so only almost as good. But Blump better than most. Sagely wisdom! 

DeVOS: Sir, Blump isn’t-

BLUMP: BLUMP is always here! Say the name BLUMP and BLUMP appears!

PENCE: Dear Lord.

TRUMP: You. Blump. Trump needs help from Blump. Puerto Rico. Supplies are there but stuck in port. Don’t know what to do. 

BLUMP: Send out a message to the island that they have to come and get their own supplies! First come first served! Then film the fighting! Call it the hunger games, hire lawyers, sell it on pay per view, profits!

PENCE: That is absolutely the most horr-

TRUMP: Fantastic.

PENCE: -endously…amazing idea. Sir. 

BLUMP: Blump lives to serve. 

TRUMP: You. Dramatic exit. Totally earned!

BLUMP: Blump ain’t no chump, Blump solves ideas that keeps others stumped! Not Blump leaves with his rump! 

TRUMP: Boom. 

DeVOS: Did he just disappear? 

TRIUMP: In a cloud of insanity. Amazing man that Blump. Pretty good, but not Trump, which is so good. Just the best, believe me. 

PENCE: I’m feeling ill. 

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