10/2/2017 – Two for One

PENCE: Mr. President, are you ok? 

TRUMP: I don’t know, Michael. Between the devastation in Puerto Rico and now this mass shooting in Las Vegas, I’m beginning to question the meaning of it all. 

PENCE: What???

TRUMP: There’s this mantle of leadership I’ve been tasked with. How does one man, despite overwhelming power, ease the concerns of a nation and more or less state that he’s going to deal with Mother Nature? No man has that power not even a president. 

PENCE: What the hell??? 

TRUMP: And then the recent news of that shooting in Las Vegas. The first thought that comes to mind is, “how can we take this horrific, evil action, and not associate it with terrorism?” That naturally leads to an internal debate about whether we’ve been miscategorizing Islam all along and just seeing things through a Christian lens. Now I know what you’re thinking-

PENCE: I think I’m thinking I’m living in Bizarro world right now, but go ahead.

TRUMP: Well I’M thinking what is the unifying theme across all of these events? Puerto Rico? Las Vegas? Harvey? The Antifa riots? Health care? North Korea? Well, Mike, one thing comes to mind. 

PENCE: You’ve had a stroke. That must be it. Or this is one of those teen movies where you’ve been hit on the head and-

TRUMP: Well, Michael, the only thing that DID hit me on the head, or IN the head rather, is the unifying unmet need across all of these factors. 

PENCE: And…that is…

TRUMP: Compassion for your fellow man. 





PENCE: Get the hell out of here, Alec Baldwin.

BALDWIN: HA! You got me Mike! No seriously screw you and everything you stand for but good job seeing through that!

PENCE: I have to admit it’s a pretty good impression, Alec. Oh! Mr. President! Sorry, I was, uh- 

TRUMP: You. Only thing you’re doing is redefining useless. Major success! Question one. When did we get the mirror?

PENCE: Mirror, sir? 

BALDWIN: When did we get the mirror? 

TRUMP: Talking mirror. Good stuff. Can complement myself and hear echo. Two for one praise!

BALDWIN: Talking mirror. Good stuff. Can complement myself and hear echo. Two for one praise!

TRUMP: Question two. Why is the mirror running out of the Oval Office? 

PENCE: It’s…one of those fancy Ikea mirrors? 

TRUMP: Ikea. Great store. Big fan of the Blorgfl line. Can’t stand the Strood. Too pedestrian. Swedishly classless!

PENCE: I miss that mirror. 

TRUMP: OK. Next up. Need to link Puerto Rico and Vegas shooting to O’Bombs failure. Add Hillary. Two for one scapegoats!

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