10/4/2017 – Puerto Rico

PENCE: Ok Pence, President in Puerto Rico, here we go. 

KELLY: He can’t screw this up, can he? 

PENCE: 

KELLY: Really?

PENCE: Really. 

KELLY: Ok. He’s at the podium. 

TRUMP: You. Look at you all. Puerto Ricans. In Puerto Rico. Reminds me of when I was in New York. But more Puerto Ricans there. Population dynamics!

KELLY: Jesus Christ. What a disaster.

PENCE: No, no. For him that’s a good start. 

TRUMP: Ok. You. Hurricane Maria. 16 deaths. Not good. But better than Katrina Deaths. Should be proud of yourselves. Puerto Ricans. Always doing things at a lower cost. Economical!

KELLY: It’s like a car wreck. It’s horrific and I can’t turn away. 

PENCE: Oh you’re going to love what comes next.

TRUMP: Puerto Rico. Needs help. Give and take. To get help need to give help. Don’t be like San Juan Mayor Cruz. One minute, so complementary of me. Correct to do so. Trump response, so tremendous. Just amazing, the best, believe me. Next minute, Dems telling her to complain. Ungrateful!

KELLY: Did he just make this all about him? 

PENCE: Hi, have you been around the last 9 months? 

TRUMP: Needs to be a community effort. You want help? Help yourselves.  We’re politicians,  not public servants. Lazy misconception!

KELLY: How could he possibly go any lower?

PENCE: Wait for it…

TRUMP: You want help? Here. Trump helps. Got a bunch of paper towel rolls here. Should fix everything. Two-ply, so generous. Trump genersosity best generosity. Don’t want to touch any of you, so I’m tossing these as far away as possible. Really far. Trump throwing arm, best throwing arm. Major leagues!

PENCE: There you go. 

KELLY: How…how have you managed all this time? 

PENCE: Easy. I always expect it to get worse. 

TRUMP: Was going to bring T-shirt cannon, but thanks to that Las Vegas shooter and the liberals complaining about gun control again, wouldn’t look good. Bad optics!

KELLY: Like that? Is that rock bottom?

PENCE: No, I think he’s got one more in him.

TRUMP: Totally understand your suffering. Feel your pain. Like a billionaire ibuprofen pill. Anesthesia! If anyone needs me, I’ll be back at my golf resort with full power and plumbing recovering from my private 90 minute flight. Trump suffering, but can overcome. Resilient!

PENCE: And there you go. 

KELLY: How have you managed all this time? 

PENCE: Easy, just leave your soul at home.

TRUMP: Want some authentic Puerto Rican food now. Where can a president get a taco around here? Indigenous cuisine! 

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