10/6/2017 – Soon

PENCE: Sir, you’ve been making some cryptic statements lately.




PENCE: It means things that are obscure and slightly menacing. 

TRUMP: Already knew that. Like Obamacare. Makes no sense and could kill you. Dangerously craptic!

PENCE: Cryptic. 

TRUMP: Look Thesaurus Rex, stop worrying about my superior application of vocabulary and just get to the point. 

PENCE: Well, you’ve been making some cryp-I mean-vague statements about our opponents that have people worried. 

TRUMP: You. Examples. Go. 

PENCE: For example, during last Thursday’s dinner with senior military officials and their spouses, the subject of North Korea came up and you said that this is “the calm before the storm” and the room went quiet. 

TRUMP: Two things. One. Don’t be that guy who does the air quotes. Looks like a cry for help from tiny hand rabbits. And B, of course the room goes quiet when I talk. Trump talks, people listen. Everyone else is ears, and Trump is all mouth. Trump. Biggest mouth in the room. Can’t be denied!

PENCE: So…what did you mean by the calm before the storm then? 

TRUMP: You’ll see. 




TRUMP: Cryptic. 

PENCE: Yes! Stop it!

TRUMP: Can’t. Trump dramatic tension best dramatic tension. Hitchcockian! 

PENCE: Speaking of Psycho-

TRUMP: Careful, future ambassador to Siberia-

PENCE: Not you! I…meant President Hassan Rouhani from Iran. 

TRUMP: Decent save. Judges score it an 8.7.

PENCE: Well Iran actually is another one! You said the Iran deal is bad, you plan to decertify it, and other things are coming. What other things?

TRUMP: Things. 

PENCE: What kind of things? 

TRUMP: Other things. 

PENCE: *sigh*…Sir, while I acknowledge your right to withhold key content, it’s usually in the best interest of your administration to maintain some level of clarity in your communications. Especially when you are discussing foreign policy with-

TRUMP: You. Didn’t hear a word you said. Was too busy tweeting. 



PENCE: Oh no. What did you-Oh, hi Sarah.

SANDERS: Mr. President, the media is going wild over this new tweet you sent. As your acting press secretary, could you please elaborate? 

TRUMP: Already forgot what I tweeted. Probably something amazing. Trump tweets best tweets. Just the best. So good, believe me. 

SANDERS: You tweeted “Russia. Soon.”

PENCE: Oh Dear Lord.

SANDERS: Aaaand according to the Joint Chiefs we are now at Defcon 2. 

TRUMP: Uggghhh. You tell those joint chiefs I don’t care where pot is legalized, time to leave their def beats convention and get back to work. 

SANDERS: He’s serious?

PENCE: He’s serious. Just go with it. 

TRUMP: New tweet. “Syria. The timer has begun.”


TRUMP: What? Letting them know it’s 20 minutes until Cops is on. Cops. Great show. White guys arresting Mexicans. Not the hot ones, just the ugly ones. Send them back. Deport. Unless they want to help build a wall. Can respect!

SANDERS: If this keeps up my hair is going to look like yours, Mike. 

PENCE: If this keeps up my hair is going to have a stroke. Along with the rest of me. 

TRUMP: New tweet. “Cuba. Say hello to my little friend.” 



TRUMP: Talking about Wee Man. New midget ambassador to Cuba. Friend of mine. Tiny diplomacy!

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