10/11/2017 – Berkeley

PENCE: You wanted to see me sir? 

TRUMP: Not at all. You. Repulsive to look at. Like a bizarro world black hole. Just sucking in all light until you become completely white. Then add your horrible face and robotic posture. Just the worst. Not like Trump. Trump looks best looks believe me. So good. Just the best. Beauteous visage! 

PENCE: I’ll rephrase. You wished to speak to me sir? 

TRUMP: And here you are. All Trump wishes come true. Like a genie lamp that’s a billionaire. Wishes already answered!

PENCE: *Sigh* WHAT…can I do for you sir? 

TRUMP: Need you to do something for me. 

PENCE: Of course, Mr. President! How can-

TRUMP: Houston. Swamped. Florida. Terrible property damage. Puerto Rico looks like a war zone. But it’s Puerto Rico so can’t tell difference. California. Literally on fire everywhere. Korea. May start world war at any minute. Mexico. Still Mexico. Need you to do something for me. 

PENCE: I’m happy to be of service, Mr. Pre-

TRUMP: Want you to deliver a speech at UC Berkeley. Riots start. You show how offended you are. Tweet old picture. Victory!


TRUMP: Boom. 



PENCE: Um, sir, I think that might not be the best strategy or use of my time for a couple of reasons. 

TRUMP: You? Use? Come on. 

PENCE: Just humor me for a second here. 

TRUMP: Seeing as you’re kind of a big joke, go ahead. 

PENCE: *Sigh* Ok. Well, first of all, you already asked me to do something similar when I attended the Colts-Niners game last Sunday, and that turned into an epic disaster. 

TRUMP: One that led to the NFL owners and the commissioner demanding the players stand. Ugly success!


TRUMP: Go ahead, make a joke about me being an ugly success. 

PENCE: Darn it. 

TRUMP: Boom. What was the other reason?

PENCE: Well, Milo Yiannopoulos already tried that with a bunch of conservative speakers and it was a dismal failure. 

 TRUMP: Milo? What’s that, some sort of Muppet? 

PENCE: No, no. He’s sort of a…conservative provocateur who has some intelligent points and is very persuasive and well researched but all he really cares about is his own publicity and oh no Dear Lord.

TRUMP: Milo. Love the guy already. So good. Sounds like a mirror image of me. Just the best. Going places!

PENCE: He’s a gay Greek Jew from England. 

TRUMP: Milo. Horrible person. Just the worst. Couldn’t be more different from me if he tried. Going nowhere!

PENCE: He thinks you’re the best and calls you “Daddy.”

TRUMP: Milo. Great person. So smart. Just the best. 

PENCE: So…you’re ok with a homosexual Jewish foreigner calling you Daddy? 

TRUMP: Have you met my kids? Probably an upgrade. All comers!

PENCE: Good point. 

TRUMP: Not you. So happy we’re not related. Separate gene pools!

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