PENCE: Ok sir, up next is the mother of a Marine who was killed in Afghanistan. It was a sniper that got him. Unfortunately the Marine received a head shot.
TRUMP: Tremendous. Trump soothing nerves. Showing compassion. Trump heart, best heart, believe me.
PENCE: …wish it would stop.
TRUMP: Stop what?
PENCE: The, um, deaths of the Marines sir.
TRUMP: Marines. So brave. Signed a contract. Contract with death. Could happen. Hazards of the job. I’ll let the mother know that.
PENCE: Mr. President, that approach…didn’t exactly work so well last time.
TRUMP: Totally worked. Told the mom that he knew what he signed up for. Was saying he knew the hazards but did it anyway. Brave in the face of obvious danger. Marines! So brave.
PENCE: Yes. Well. That makes sense but…maybe for this call you could use a little more…tact?
TRUMP: Have tact. Trump. So much tact. Trump tactiest president ever. Believe me.
PENCE: Ok, she’s on the phone, sir. Now remember. Tact.
TRUMP: You. Marine mom. How are you doing? Ok enough about you. Want to tell you about your son. Took one to the ol’ noggin. Brains. Blown out. Not Trump brains so no big loss. Trump brains best brains. So good. Believe me.
TRUMP: She’s crying.
TRUMP: Probably so grateful to be talking to me. Overcome with emotion. Can understand. Talking to the president. Not just any president, but Trump president. Trump president best president, believe me.
TRUMP: Good. Stopped crying. Your boy. Marine what’s his name. Doesn’t matter. Listen. Sure, you think you’re missing him now, but he knew what he was doing. Knew he could have died at any second. Then he did. Predicted the future. Like Nostromodamus. Should have used that superpower in Vegas. Could have made so much money. But instead he’s dead. Such a waste. Money left on the table!
TRUMP: Crying again. Makes sense. Most people cry when they hear my voice. So overcome just hearing me. Voice of Trump. So magical. Vocal Merlin!
TRUMP: Ok. Gotta go. You. Sad. Boy is dead. But you’ll get over it. Hey, he’s not worrying about getting shot anymore, so why should you? Feel better. Hanging up on you. More important things to do now.
PENCE: OH MY GOD.
TRUMP: Knew you were going to say that. Trump. Total Nostromodamus. Predicting the future!
PENCE: It’s Nostradamus, and are you insane?!?
TRUMP: Two things. One. Pretty sure you’re wrong about Nostromodamus. And B, we’ve worked together for, what, 3 weeks now? You know I’m clearly insane. Insane for being Trump. Being president, sure, but more about being Trump. Trump insanity, best insanity believe me.
PENCE: I predict I’m going to have a stroke.
TRUMP: You don’t need to be Nostromodamus to see that. You. So pale. Like you saw a ghost who saw you and ran away because he thought he was seeing a ghost. Melanin-free horror!