PENCE: This is not good. SO not good. Not good at all.
TRUMP: You. I’d say you look like you’ve seen a ghost, but too obvious a joke. Whitest of white!
PENCE: Mr. President, haven’t you heard the news about Paul?
TRUMP: Old news! Already knew he retired from movie roles. Peaked with Encino Man. Classic 90s comedy!
PENCE: Who the-
TRUMP: Pauly Shore. The Weasel. Annoying TV persona but strangely addictive back in the 90s. Like Puck from Real World. Peanut butter fingers. So bad. Just the worst, believe me.
PENCE: I’m just going to plow right ahead and assume you didn’t know that Paul Manafort has just been indicted on 12 counts of conspiracy and money laundering from a federal grand jury thanks to special counsel Robert Meuller.
TRUMP: Paul Manafort.
PENCE: Yes sir.
TRUMP: Paul MANafort.
PENCE: For the love of- he was your campaign manager!
TRUMP: Totally knew that. Paul. Great guy. So good. Just the best. Great friend!
PENCE: Mr. President, it’s alleged he earned millions from work he did for Ukrainian political parties and then laundered the money over a ten year time span. It could stain your Presidency!
TRUMP: Paul. Horrible guy. Never heard of him. Just showed up one day and started managing my campaign. Never spoke to him. Coincidental presence!
PENCE: Coincidental or not, sir, the ties to Russia and money laundering are going to stick to you, even if it’s an indirect tie.
TRUMP: I’m fine with someone cleaning money. It gets dirty after a while. All those hands. So disgusting.
PENCE: That’s…not what money laundering means.
TRUMP: You. Snow cone head. Explain. Go.
PENCE: It basically means you take any money you earned from crime or corruption and transfer it to more legitimate assets and accounts.
TRUMP: and this is-
PENCE: A bad thing. A very bad thing. Yes.
TRUMP: Good to know.
PENCE: Mr. President, I know I’m going to regret asking this…deeply…but have you ever done any laundering?
TRUMP: Of course not. How could you? Disgraceful!
PENCE: That’s a relief to-
TRUMP: I have Mexicans to do that. Except my suits and dress shirts. Give those to my Chinese help to-
PENCE: Money laundering!
TRUMP: What, unethically stolen money and moved it around? Of course I did. But we don’t call it laundering.
PENCE: What DO you call it?
PENCE: Dear Lord God in heaven and ruler of all he surveys. At least they can’t show any ties to Russia with you.
TRUMP: You. Honkey hair. Stop talking. Phone ringing. You phone guy. Speak.
TRUMP: Poots! What’s the good word?
TRUMP: Just heard that word. You’ll never believe what snowscalp here thinks it is. Totally mistaken!
PUTIN: Leesten. Vanted to tyell yoo thank yoo for providing myillitaree informayshun. Vee hyave wired the monee to your Sviss account and offshyore holdeengs. Transacshun ees compleete.
TRUMP: Got it. Great. League of Legends this Friday?
PUTIN: Does bear crap in voods? Eeet does. Russian bear. Eeenormous poops. Proschay.
TRUMP: That was Putin on my phone. My personal phone.
TRUMP: Great guy that Putin. Always asking me for special favors and then sending me money to various accounts, but otherwise don’t really talk to him. Barely an acquaintance!
PENCE: What did you do for him? What did you DO?
TRUMP: Don’t remember. Something about wanting some specs on a stealth bomber. Copy, paste, cash. Boom. Easy deal. So good, believe me.
PENCE: This can’t be happening. I don’t believe it.
TRUMP: You. That’s why you’ll always be poor. Have you ever tried laundering? I know this Chinese family that will-
PENCE: That’s not laundering!