TILLERSON: Ok, Mr. President, when Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe enters the-
TRUMP: You. Not Pence. White guy. So white, so pale. But not whitest guy. Need the palest man to shine in land of yellow people.
TILLERSON: Mr. President, three things. First, the President and VP never travel together for purposes of security. Second, I’m certain that while I am not as you said last night “the palest of your pale faced brown nosers”, I assure you I can support you to the best…and the whitest…of my ability. Finally…please Mr. President, I must recommend in the strongest of terms do not refer to Prime Minister Abe as “one of the yellow people.”
TRUMP: Boom. Got it. Let’s do this.
TILLERSON: Now when he enters the room make sure to bow at a level to his or shake his hand. As a Westerner you have the choice of-
TRUMP: NI! HAO! PRIME! MINISTER! ABE!
TILLERSON: Oh dear Lord.
ABE: No, no, Secretary Tillerson, I’m quite used to this by now.
TRUMP: YOU! SO! BRAVE! STANDING! HERE! WITH! NO! NINJAS! NEED! PROTECTION! THROWING! STARS! JACKIE CHAN! HIYAA! WHAP! POW!
ABE: Yes, that is a very impressive Karate stance, Mr. Trump. Now is the part where you bring up a culinary-
TRUMP: NEED! TO! KNOW! SECRET! HOW! CAN! YOU! EAT! ALL! THAT! RICE! AND! STAY! SO! SKINNY! RICE! ALL! CARBS! NEED! TO! GO! PALEO! EAT! COW! COOOOOOW!
ABE: I will take your dietary recommendations under consideration, sir. Given your wealth of girth I am certain your advice will be invaluable.
TRUMP: DOWN! TO! BUSINESS! YOU! MAKE! CARS! JAPANESE! CARS! LIKE! AMERICAN! CARS! BUT! NOT! AS! GOOD! YOU! NEED! TO! BUILD! JAPANESE! CARS! IN! AMERICA!
ABE: We already produce over 4 million automobiles and provide a million and a half private sector jobs to the auto industry in your country, but yes I’m certain we can, to your point, emphasize production further.
TILLERSON: How are you able to manage this conversation with a straight face?
ABE: I have to deal with Kim Jong-Un and his lunacy on a near daily basis. President Trump is, no offense, Secretary Tillerson, a comedic diversion.
TILLERSON: Believe me, I understand.
TRUMP: OK! LET’S! TALK! SECURITY! AMERICA! WILL! COMMIT! FIFTY! THOUSAND! TROOPS! TO! THE! DEFENSE! OF! TOKYO! AGAINST! GODZILLA!
ABE: That seems a fair and rational defense strategy, sir.
TRUMP: YOU! PROMISE! POWER! RANGERS! WILL! DEFEND! BORDERS! OF MEXICO!
ABE: Consider it done!
TRUMP: GOOD! NOW! TIME! FOR! CULTURE! LET’S! GET! BURGERS! AND! YOUR! WIFE! CAN! WALK! ON! MY! BACK! SO! MANY! KNOTS!
TILLERSON: I have to apologize Prime Minister, I had no idea-
ABE: It’s perfectly fine, Rex. I can request any Japanese lady to do it. from his perspective we all look alike and there are many women who would leap at the opportunity.
ABE: Once I tell them he’s the legendary Orange Whale of the Pacific whose back grants a foot wish, naturally.
TRUMP: STILL! WAITING! FOR! YOU! TO! GIVE! ME! PHONE! NUMBER! OF! LUCY! LIU! NOT! AS! HOT! AS! AMERICAN! WOMAN! BUT! SOLID! EIGHT! WOULD! DATE!