11/8/2017 – Ni Hao

TILLERSON: Welcome to China, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: Fantastic. China. Love their fire drills. So efficient, believe me. 

TILLERSON: I know what I say next will have absolutely no impact or influence over your decision making, but when you meet President Xi Jinping, please try not to offend him. 

TRUMP: Come on. It’s me. 


JINPING: 美国总统先生问候

 TRUMP: Who’s the yellow guy? 



JINPING: 我确信这个谈话会失败。


TRUMP: Are you sure we’re still not in Japan? These Asians all look alike. Like God said “I’m tired, you guys figure it out” and he just went to the Xerox machine. And he had too much yellow toner. Leftover resources!

JINPING: 他可能会说一些令人反感的话

TILLERSON: I don’t know how you could possibly damage the Sino-American diplomatic relationship any-

TRUMP: Ok Ping. Sounds like a sound effect on Batman. Pow! Whap! Ping! Anyhoo. You. Need to tell Kim Jung-Un to stop with the missile threats or we’re turning North Korea into Nuclear Wasteland Korea. You Chinks probably speak the Gook language so you can relate. Rosetta stone!


TRUMP: Not God, but Trump. Just as good. 

TILLERSON: President Jinping please accept my heartfelt apologies and deepest regret.

JINPING: 我没有被冒犯在中国,你的总统被称为西方的橙色小丑

TRUMP: You. Substitute Pence. What’s the Chinese guy saying? My beef with broccoli order? 

TILLERSON: I don’t know but hopefully it’s not the nuclear launch codes. 

TRUMP: Ok. Issue two. When are you getting me the phone number to Michelle Yeoh? Lucy Liu could work in a pinch. All Asians like clones so it doesn’t matter. Your women. Good looking but not great looking like normal American women. Solid 8. Would date!

JINPING: 我现在只是在说吓唬白人。

TILLERSON: If you’ll excuse me Mr. President, I need to call the Joint Chiefs and letting them know we’re going to DefCon 4.

TRUMP: And where’s my dry cleaning? 

TILLERSON: Make that 3. 

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